Hottest Today
(10 of 434)
During sex the other day my girlfriend stopped and said she was too worried about her studies to concentrate, with her having an upcoming deadline...
To set her mind at rest and keep things going in the bedroom, I told her I'd help her with it... Sure enough we carried on and had a great night of sex, but now that it's come to that I don't know where to start...
Could anyone help me fill in the blanks?
C_T
D_G
AP_LE
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Susan Boyle reminds me of computers.
Whenever I see her, my cock goes Microsoft.
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BBC News: US homes ripped apart by tornado.
Good to see the RAF giving a little payback, for the friendly fire attacks on our troops.
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My wifes tits are that big that when she runs she gets black eyes.
They just weigh her down so much that it's really easy for me to catch her.
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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Why do the Sun always tell you the Page 3 girl's name, age and hometown?
I would like some useful information for a change ie; address, daily routine and what sort of security measures they have at home.
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My girlfriend was sucking my cock last night when I told her to give me a Stirling Moss.
"What's that?" She asked.
"I want you to go down right to the bottom of my shaft" I replied.
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I don't know why there is such an issue about teenage pregnancy in England.
In Africa, without teenage pregnancy, they'd be extinct.
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Police say they 3 asylum seekers fell from the 15th floor. I heard it was the 16th, but that's another story.
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A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn't around so he asks his dad.
The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does.
He replied, "What she's fucking told."
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
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March 4th... I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do.
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I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"
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Sickipedia don't do beer - but if they did, it'd probably have rohypnol in it.
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I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.
I think it made it better.
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I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.
At least she's honest.
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I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled children.
Perhaps calling it 'Spastics on Elastic' wasn't my finest hour.
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The new Microsoft advert shows a man using the 'private browsing' function of Internet Explorer to order his wife jewellery...
Yes, I'm sure that's what we're all using it for.
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.
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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.
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Roses are red, but there are also pink, white and yellow varieties
Violets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name
I've got OCD
And my poetry skills are also lacking.
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Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com?
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Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 434)
I went to anger management classes recently to combat my domestic violence habit. One of the things they said to me was that we often take things out most on the ones we love.
I though, hang on a minute, why the fuck am I hitting my wife then?
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I was thinking of coming home from work tonight, stripping naked, then slipping on a pair of the wife's pink silky panties. Popping a bit of Barbara Streisand on the stereo and then ramming one of the wife's massive dildos up my arse while I frantically wank my tiny cock to oblivion as I writhe in ecstasy thinking about all the people I've fucked over today and dreaming of being spanked by rent boys.
Then I remembered....
I'm not Gordon Brown.
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Winston Singh a half Indian half black kid asks his Mum; " Am I mostly black or am I mostly Asian?"
"Your just my son" the Mother replies "But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike and I don't know whether to be Indian & haggle or just stab the cunt & take it."
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My wife wanted a more secure future.
So I've invested half of all our money in stocks for her.
I've invested the other half in rotten fruit.
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With Ashley Cole and John Terry in the England squad, we have no chance of any clean sheets.
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2 men in Australia are dragging a paki out of the sea with a rope around his waist. a vicar walks past and says "that's what i like to see, man helping fellow man." When the vicar leaves one man turns to the other and say: "He might be a vicar and well respected, but he knows fuck all about shark fishing"
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I fell off my ladder at work cleaning windows and really hurt myself, I'm not quite sure if I'll fully be able to do my job again, but at the moment I'm just taking things one step at a time.
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Proverb:
A stitch in time..... saves the space time continium captain......
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drinking non-alcoholic beer is like licking off your sister: tastes the same, but you know somethings wrong
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I see Simon Weston was on tv again
singing I am sailing on Scar's in their eyes
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- Hey, Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger!!!!
-Wat.
- Psyche!
- .....
-Hey, nigger!
- Wat.
- Noose!
- .......
- ......Cleeeeeeeeean.
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Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absoute mystery as to why though?
The plot thickens...
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A man, about to tee off, felt a tap on his shoulder and another man handed him a card that read: "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back and, shouting, communicated, "No, you may NOT play through, your handicap gives you no such right."
The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole, he was hit in the head by a golf ball, laying [...]
A man, about to tee off, felt a tap on his shoulder and another man handed him a card that read: "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back and, shouting, communicated, "No, you may NOT play through, your handicap gives you no such right."
The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole, he was hit in the head by a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking down at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 'FOUR' fingers.
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Don't you hate it when your wife uses your razor to shave her legs, leaving it blunt thus causing you great amounts of pain when you use it?
Retaliate by using her expensive hair straighteners to make your toast, her limited edition stiletto heels to put a picture hook up or her sexy lingerie as a wank-rag.
See how she fucking likes it.
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Always attend peoples funerals, otherwise they'll never attend yours.
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'I was bursting out of my Size 14 trousers' : Myleene Klass on her battle with the bulge.
Coincidentally, I have the same trouble seeing one of Myleen's bikini photos.
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I have found that the older I get, the better at sex I have become. When I first met my missus I could shag her all night before she was finally satisfied. Now if I do it once she's satisfied for weeks.
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My wife found a site where they explain to women why their husbands are addicted to porn.
It's called 'Pornhubby'
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Was dissapointed with watching Mrs Doyle shagging lasnight. Expected "go on, go on, go on, go on" and instead she just fell asleep.
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BBC News: Darling Names Budget Date
What the hell is he wining and dining cheap women into bed for?
There are much simpler methods!
Obviously not a fellow Sickipedian.
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My friend said to me, "There was this guy on Jeremy Kyle who'd fucked three different women and they were all pregnant at the same time".
I said, "That's disgusting.... "
".....sitting at home in the day watching that shit.... get a fucking job".
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9 years ago today, Rap music lost the king of rap, Biggie Smalls.
By the size of him and his stupid hats I guess Burger King lost out on a lot of bussiness aswell.
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This bloke was trying to chat me up last night. He asked what I use for protection when having sex.
I told him; "I have my six foot four inch pimp, Leroy in the room next door."
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i hit a woman today whilst driving.
and if she says we're going the wrong way again she'll get another one.
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I go from door to door spreading the word about the holy vacuum cleaner.
I'm a Jehoover's Witness.
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Police have stated that they are treating the death of the three asylum seekers as suspicious, adding, 'we definitely pushed four!'
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When it comes to anagrams, contempt clues will always lead to complete cunts.
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What's white and can't catch Canaries?
Leeds Utd.
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I've just seen a guy lying on a bit of cardboard in a subway, playing a harmonica to earn some money.
It's nice to see not every one's out of work because of the recession.
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What is the difference between McDonalds and a fat girl on her period?
I don't have seconds after eating out at McDonalds.
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More from today.
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