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My Ten year old Son got into trouble at School yesterday.

The teacher asked him "What Colour is a traditional London Taxi?".

Apparently "The same Colour as the Driver", wasn't the Answer she was looking for.
My mate Leroy told me that four men kicked the shit out of him.

I said, "Did you phone the police?"

He replied, "What for? Round two?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"
The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoovering'
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.
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Newest Jokes Today

"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.
"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."
"It's not too late," I reassured him.
"You think?" He brightened.
"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff."
A beautiful blonde kept looking over at me in the pub last night. She walked up to me and said "Do you want to get me a drink?."

"Certainly." I said with a smile, "What would you like?"

"Get me the manager" she said, "this is the third fucking time I've ordered."
Austerity has finally caught up with the arts. The autumn programme for the Fairfield Halls at Croydon will include "The 29 Steps", a production of Vivaldi called "The Three Seasons", and the Christmas pantomime will be "Snow White And The Five Dwarfs".
My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing.

"It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her.

"Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with."
This man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Are you Hugh Laurie? Someone told me you live here."

"I think you've got the wrong house," I replied.
"Et tu Brute!" I cried out, clutching my chest before slowly sinking to the ground.

I didn't get a penalty though. The referee thought I'd gone down a bit too theatrically.
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