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Hottest Today (10 of 313)
 

1293763
I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.

I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tdfboy in Other - ??? Random - Added: 18 hours ago - Current Score: 331.2

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1293691
I think Tottenham fans should shut up and stop their fucking moaning.

I mean, it's not the first time that thousands of jews have had their lives ruined by a sudden death shoot-out in Germany. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by DeathToSexOffenders in Sports - Football (+ 2 more) - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 232.6



1293721
"Whose knickers are these?" screamed my wife as she held them up in front of her face.

"Fuck off" I said, "You're giving me a wedgie." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by mg1 in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 224.8

1293823
To see if people really react badly to Burqa wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.

On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.

And she hasn't even left the house yet. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cecinestpasuneaccount in Crime - Domestic Violence - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 181.6

1293754
My penis is like a garden hose.

I'm not referring to its length or girth.

There just seems to be a permanent ban on me using it. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by The Evil Genius in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 162.2

1293757
It's great being a British Gas shareholder.

If profits keep going up, I might make enough to pay my fucking gas bill. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Other - Money - Added: 18 hours ago - Current Score: 155.2

1293824
Is David Cameron ever going to let that policeman in?

He's been at his door for days. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Milo in Celebrities - David Cameron - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 96.4

1293861
Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard were shagging six German glamour models in a group orgy after the match last night.

John Terry arrived when it was over and high fived everyone as if he'd been involved. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by eviltorry in Celebrities - ??? Other Celebrities - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 69

1294099
Apparently all men secretly want to fuck their mothers.

Not me though; I hate secrets. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tdfboy in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 8 hours ago - Current Score: 46.6

1294205
You know you're typing in something naughty when Google stops giving you options. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Mack Jackson Man Of Action in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 6 hours ago - Current Score: 43.8

More from today.

Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
1290958
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Other - ??? Random - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 571.4

1291610
I saw a black man standing in my back garden this morning.

I opened the window and said, "What are you doing mate?"

"Sorry," he said, "I thought you was in Spain?"

"No," I replied. "I leave at 6am tomorrow."

"Okay," he said, jumping over the fence. "Have a lovely time."

"Will do" I smiled.

What a nice guy. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by mg1 in Racism - Black - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 471.4

1290768
Apparently Manchester United have had the worst season in their entire history with regard to injuries.

I think 1958 might have been their worst. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by PissTake_Peg in Sports - Football - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 404.6

1290266
"Well I know someone who's not getting a Mother's day card!" I shouted.

As I walked out of the abortion clinic. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by anonymous1990 in Events - Mothers Day - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 401

1293228
Why do footballers like their wives to be tanned?

Because the darker they are, the less chance they have of getting fucked by John Terry. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Sports - Football - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 386.6

1291183
After Stewart Downing's inclusion in the England squad, I think they should name a street in his honour, where all people who are shit at their jobs and got selected when no-one wants them should live. Hang on... I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ACSpound in Sports - Football (+ 1 more) - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 355.4

1291817
After I've finished masturbating, I like to sit on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by garys5 in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 345

1293763
I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.

I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tdfboy in Other - ??? Random - Added: 18 hours ago - Current Score: 331.2

1290586
I was in bed with my girlfriend, last night, having quite a pleasurable dream when I accidentally sighed "Ohhhh, Lucy" in my sleep.

My girlfriend immediately turned the light on and started screaming at me, "Who the fuck is Lucy?! Is she one of those sluts from your office?! I knew you were cheating on me you cunt!"

I sleepily replied, "No.. err... you don't understand. I was having a dream where me and you got married, and we lived in this [...]

 I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by SudsMcDuff18 in Sex and shit - Girlfriend (+ 2 more) - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 322.8

1289736
With treatment, life expectancy of an AIDS patient can be 30 to 40 years.

No wonder all the Africans want to catch it, it could triple the length of their lives. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by jibjab in Racism - Black (+ 1 more) - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 277.8

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
1276931
Good thing nigger rhymes with nigger or Lil Wayne would be out of a job. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ShaunTheSperm in Racism - Black - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,203.8

1286908
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.

When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.

When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Lordfudgington in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 892.4

1284803
Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by mike_m, originally by The Amazing Atheist in Sex and shit - Feminists - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 805.2

1278736
My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Biscuit777 in Sex and shit - Dating - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 779.2

1283065
CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by JustSomeRandom, originally by @Pundamentalism in Other - Calendar (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 773.2

1277901
Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by marccee4 in Sports - Football - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 746.6

1284303
Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda.

The Exploder. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by TwinkleTwinkle in Racism - Muslim - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 734.6

1284173
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.

So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by DeathToSexOffenders in Celebrities - Michael Jackson - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 673.2

1288642
Just got a text from my mate saying he was going to kill himself and ignored it.

"Don't you think you should do something?" asked my girlfriend.

"He's on T-Mobile," I replied, "the funeral was last week." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by scottyc79 in Other - ??? Random - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 655.6

1279478
I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut the fuck up?" 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by bumblesquash in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 638.6

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 313)
(0 new since last update)
1294292
Well done colo-rectal cancer...

...'you win again'. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by pigstits which requires categorising - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1294291
I got myself circumcised today.
I found having foreskin a bit of a drawback. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Boom1BOOM in Sex and shit - Sexual Favours - Added: 6 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.2

1294290
I don't take drugs, i don't drink alcohol, i don't cheat on women, but i do lie sometimes. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by mrbazturd in Other - Bragging - Added: 28 minutes ago - Current Score: -4.2

1294284
Barry Gibb should find solace in the fact that the asshole that killed his brother died shortly after. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by captain chaos in In The News - ??? Other - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.2

1294281
A Hollywood movie is like my latest victim.
The best bits are all in the trailer. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by burybob in Crime - Murder - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 5.8

1294276
WHY do I get drunk so much?

because I love it when the whole world revolves around me. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Dogbite66 in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 6.8

1294268
My missus and I are vigorously fighting in court over the custody of our severely disabled son.

Eventually one of us will lose and have to keep him. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by lezzo in Illness and mortality - Disability - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: 17.8

1294267
My wife punched me because supposedly I spent too much time on my iPhone. She was an angry bird I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Mikey3522 in Other - ??? Random (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: -0.2

1294266
The performance of The Hulk in The Avengers movie was truly smashing! I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Poopie_Pants in TV - Film/Movie - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: -3.6

1294265
I just hacked into my fat ginger nephew's Facebook and updated his status: "I just wanna fucking kill myself." 19 likes! I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by toomessedupbot in Racism - Ginger - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: -3

1294264
The Chelsea WAGS must have had a good night seeing as their lads came from behind I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Rolfharass in Sports - Football - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: 2.4

1294263
I think cutlery and dishes really likes the dishwasher.

For them it must be pure joy riding the carousel.

Can't wait to see the happy face on my hamster when the ride is over. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by FreddyEddie in Other - Stupid (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: -2.2

1294261
I was sentenced to 5 years for rape in court last week.

Not the most ideal place to sexually assault someone thinking back. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by sick.fucker in Crime - Rape - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 9.6

1294260
I took this fat girl home last night. We went upstairs and I started to fuck her.

"Wow your on a roll!" she squealed.

"Well if you weren't so fucking fat, there wouldn't be so many of them" I replied. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by captain chaos in Other - Wordplay - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 2.2

1294258
I've recently started a job retrieving litter.

It didn't require any training, I just picked it up as I went along. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Wasteman95 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 2

1294257
No wonder my house is so cold.

My son leaves his laptop on all the time and I keep having to close his windows. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Milo in Other - Computers/Technology - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: -3

1294255
I asked my mate did he remember his first blowjob.

YES! he replied , IT WAS AWESOME !!

How'd it taste ? i asked 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by willmebe in Sex and shit - Blow Job - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: -1.6

1294254
It will be interesting to hear Barry Gibb singing now.

After years of famously singing with a high pitched voice I've heard he is now planning to sing so low. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Fly in the Ointment in Illness and mortality - Cancer - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: -3.6

1294251
'Staying Alive' a song title that none of The Bee Gee's seem to be very good at living by. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by mrkevinangel in In The News - Celebrity Death - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: -3.6

1294249
sorry to hear about your loss mrs gibb...its comforting to know john terry is there to console you at your moment of need I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by pinhead6666 in Sports - Football - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 0

1294248
After Robin Gibb's death the bands name has now been changed to..

The Bee Gee. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in In The News - Celebrity Death - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 6.4

1294247
Postman Pat's car should have been named Patmobile. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by FreddyEddie in TV - Childrens TV - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: 7.2

1294246
Bee Gees fans worldwide saddened by the news that Robin Gibb has died, stay strong & "Don't Cry Alone". I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by 4TehLulz in Celebrities - Bee Gees - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: -1.6

1294243
After finding out another music celebrity died, I was upset and hurt that it was Robin Gibb...


and not Justin Bieber. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Dad in Celebrities - Bee Gees - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: -2

1294242
the definition of a pin? a smarty with a hardon I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by deanosmithy in Other - ??? Random - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: -2

1294241
Doctor: I've got some bad news, about Robin, he's got a disease which has also affected your other brother
Barry: Don't tell me, he's got Saturday night fever?
Doctor: I'm afraid not, it's colo-rectal cancer. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by JesusJohn in Illness and mortality - Cancer (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: -2.2

1294240
Why would anyone want to be a suicide bomber.

I hear its a dead end job. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by captain chaos in Other - ??? Random - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: 1.8

1294237
My science teacher just asked, "What's the chemical formula for water?"

I said, "It's, h i j k l m n o."

He said, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

I said, "You told me yesterday that it was h to o." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by oopsdontlaf in Other - ??? Random - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: 8.6

1294236
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they
come, and take the house when they
leave. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by King Heskey in Sex and shit - Women - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: -3.4

1294231
A muslim dies and finds himself ascending towards the gates of st peter, he thinks oh wow, how grand this looks, he says to st peter, can I see Allah? St peter replies, you can but he's not here, he's higher up.

'Wow' thinks the muslim, and keeps on going up, he comes across Jesus and asks to see to Allah Jesus replies "no mate, Allah's not on this level, he's higher up" - 'higher than jesus?' the man thinks, 'wow, he must be a great God'.

He arrives at Go [...]

 I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by craig.anderson1304 in Religion - Muslim (+ 2 more) - Added: 5 hours ago - Current Score: 2.8

More from today.


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