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At first I tentatively slipped one finger in, it felt amazingly soft. Feeling braver I slid in a second - it was even better than before. Soon there was no stopping me - I added a third, then a forth, then I thrust my whole fucking hand right in there!

I love my new set of gloves.
It's been discovered that the moment a child forms the ability to think for themselves, is the exact same moment they're destined never to become a Muslim.
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."
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Random 5!

Can't wait for the new Transformer movie - an aeroplane that turns into a submarine.

Wait a minute, I've seen this somewhere before.
"Mummy, mummy, my best friend Jeremy has got a willy like a peanut!"

"Do you mean it's small?"

"No, it's salty!"
I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen.

At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, "Come on, some of us have got homes to go to."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, "They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don't want to moon them."
I told my boss, "I saw a man keying your car."

"What did you do?" he asked aggressively.

"Well once he was done," I replied, "I asked him for my keys."
A man has appeared in court accusing of murdering a community safety campaigner who was stabbed to death during the morning rush hour.

Lessons can be learned from this.

Take what she said, and do the opposite.
"There's something wrong with my cat, but it's a bit difficult to explain," I said to the vet.

But before I could even try, lasers shot out of Mr Whiskers' eyes again, vapourising him instantly.
"And try not to swear in front of your nephew this time," said my wife, as we were getting out of the car.

"He's already in prison, he doesn't need to pick up any more bad habits," she continued.
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