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ISIS want to set up Caliphate in the Middle East controlled by sharia law and are encouraging western Muslims to join them and live as the Quran dictates in the desert.

And we are fighting this?
My 17 year old daughter came home totally shit faced at 4am this morning, threw up & passed out on the living room floor. This has left me with no choice but to have a very difficult conversation with her later today.

She really needs to get that lump that I found on her breast checked out
Before each song on Eurovision they show a video of the performers doing something traditionally Austrian, waiting to see who's drawn the short straw and is kept in a basement
Riot police called to crowd disturbance in Dublin over votes to legalise gay marriage.

In other news, Irish lesbians are fighting over the left over rubber bullets.
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Random 5!

I hope our bid for the 2018 world cup is successful.
I've always wondered what it would be like to have people coming over here from all over the world.
Blackpool are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year.

Which means if you put just £20 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.
My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Well, so-so," I replied
"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."
Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

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Newest Jokes Today

I can see why Satan doesn't have many friends.

It's because no one can be bothered to edit the red-eye out of every picture.
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
I was fingering Ngala, my west African girlfriend earlier, when she whispered breathlessly into my ear "Do me harder."

So I really pressed my hand hard against her, my two fingers working overtime.

"I want more." She gasped.

So I stuck a third finger up her sopping cunt.

"No, no, no." She gasped, her natural accent beginning to come through as my hand began to tire. "Don't stop, don't slow down."

So I swapped hands and continued with a new energy.

"I.. I.. I love you baby." She panted, on the verge of cumming. "And you.. you.. you love me too, don't.. don't you?"

"Of course I do." I told her.

"Show me. Love me." She demanded, biting my ear hard. "Show me you love me."

So I took my gloves off.
somebody asked Midge Ure what he thought of the venue for tonights Eurovision song contest.
He replied ' This means nothing to me'
Watching Eurovision it looks like the rest of Europe have already voted they want the UK out,don't understand it what as a country have we done to upset them
As the American commentator on 5 live said about James Degale winning the world title: England isn't as big of a country as the USA.

Obviously, he was taking a break from being US Foreign Secretary.
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