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After the game Jurgen Klopp pulled his new goalkeeper to one side.

"You seemed asleep for that goal they scored straight from the kick-off!"

"Sorry boss, but I've played against Liverpool and I thought we always had a minute's silence for something or other."
After a short break, Japan has announced that it is to resume hunting whales for research.

They say the research is vital, as it is feared that the whales may have lost some of their flavour and texture.
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Random 5!

Just a thought, is the channel Dave ja vu just called that because it's a plus 1 channel, or because it repeats the same fucking programmes over and over again?
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Hottest Jokes This Week

In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable.

A movie about the Americans saving the world.
I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
The orchestra conductor was laying into the second violin: 'If you don't buck up your ideas and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of being called a musician, I'll take away your violin and your bow, give you two drumsticks, and move you to the percussion section.'

The drummer then chimed in with: 'Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we'll take away one of your sticks...and make you the conductor!'
I don't understand how people can say ISIS and Saudi Arabia are the same thing.

I mean, one is a terrorist group that:
Uses torture on a daily basis
Beheads opponents
Relies on oil for its existence

The other is a country that:
Uses torture on a daily basis
Beheads opponents
Relies on oil for its existence
Is the chair of the UN Human Rights Council.

See? Completely different.
I knew it was Black Friday the minute I woke up and saw that all my food was missing.

Robinson Crusoe diary entry
27th November 1682
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I think it's time a serious message is sent out to ISIS and every other terrorist group throughout the world.

Justin Bieber has a gig on Thursday, November 19 at the Toyota Center, Houston, Texas, US.
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris tonight. All the taxi drivers are staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge.

It'd be a lot easier if they just texted their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
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Newest Jokes Today

"According to my calculations, we've gone £69.5 million over budget and the forecast isn't looking too bright either."

I can't tell whether I'm watching Grand Designs or Prime Minister's Questions.
Today in the primary school my son attends, his Jewish friend Hamish was kicked out of class.
Apparently he was too gassy.
I love the teachers' sense of humour.
Chris Eubank leaves the Jungle!!!

Following that, he's become a world champion boxer and has just been voted off 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here'
So the Welsh are the first UK region to enforce compulsory organ donation.

And there's me thinking they only compulsory donated their organs into sheep.
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