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"Being gay is the greatest gift I have been given" - Tim Cook

This is a man who presumably would've been given the new iPhone 6 for free. It comes to something when even the CEO of apple is saying he'd rather be gay than have an iPhone 6.
"Excuse me sir, can I please see inside your rucksack?" I asked a Muslim at the airport.

"What do you need to see for?" he asked.

"C-4! He said he has C-4!" I shouted, clearing people from the terminal.
Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize.
We were sat watching tv earlier, when my girlfriend said:

"I'm as horny as fuck, I'm going upstairs. I'll be back down when I've cum."

'What an idiot' I thought, 'we live in a flat'.
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Random 5!

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day.

His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?"

"I'm sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it wasn't serious." says the teacher.

To which Johnny replies, "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, Miss."
A thickset guy is reading the newspaper, when he sees a weight-loss advert that claims to shed "a pound per $10, just call (202) 555-4874". He figures he'll give it go.

The operator asks: "how much would you like to lose?"
"ten pounds", the man replies.
"a representative will be there next morning", says the operator.

Sure enough, the next morning at 7AM, there's a ring at the doorbell. The man opens the door, to find a reasonably good-looking girl, stark-naked, save the sign around her neck, reading "If you catch me, you can have me."

The fat guy chases her all over the house until he catches her and, sure enough, has his way with her. Dragging himself puffing and wheezing to the bathroom scales, he's overjoyed to find that he's dropped 10 pounds!

"This is awesome", he thinks to himself. "I'll give them another call!"
The same night he gives them a call and says he'd like to lose 20 pounds.

"we'll send another representative", the operator says.

The next morning, at 7AM, the man answers the door to find an achingly good-looking girl, naked except for a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck stating "If you catch me, you can have me."

The man eagerly chases the girl. It takes him a good deal longer to catch her this time, and after they have sex, he consults the scales. And sure enough, he's lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls once more, and exclaims "I want to lose 50 pounds!"
"50? isn't that a bit excessive?", the operator inquires.
"look, I'm a paying customer, just do it", the man responds impatiently.
"you'll meet the representative next morning."

The next morning the man can hardly contain himself, as he opens the door at 7AM...

To find a huge - we're talking King Kong - gorilla, fuming and grunting, with a sign around its neck..

"if I catch you..."
To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on;" fuck off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "fuck her up the arse."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
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Newest Jokes Today

I said to my mate, "For Halloween tonight, I am simply putting a sheet over my head."

He said, "So you are dressing up as a ghost?"

I said, "No, a mattress."
I fried some chicken last night with loads of random herbs and spices I found in my cupboard and it tasted great.

KFC are now suing me for copyright infringement.
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:

"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."

"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."
The father of murdered schoolgirl Sarah Payne has been found dead at his home in Kent.

The press are currently camped outside Gerry McCann's home.
Explaining politics to teenagers is like a Jehovah Witness selling blood transfusions on the doorstep of a Catholic church.
Just finished hoovering, cleaned every countertop till they shined, dusted the furniture, chandeliers and lamps, mopped the floor twice, washed every dish, beat the dust out of the rugs, cleaned the glass on the windows.

Anyhow, the cleaning service comes in an hour and I don't want to see the place looking like a pig stye.
Two serious fires have destroyed a Hovis bakery and a nearby Lurpak distribution centre today. There are no injuries but up to 650 jobs are going to be lost.

A local resident has said,

"We are devastated, these places were the communities bread and butter. "
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