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I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back,

"That's amazing, " I said, "why don't you keep some for food? "

"Fish I can get anytime, " he said, "it's that fucking mattress I'm after. "
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Random 5!

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The Italian film industry is reportedly set to make a follow up to the 1992 film White Men Can't Jump.

Black Men Can't Swim.
I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ.

Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.

She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving.
In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim walked into my Adult Learning Centre this morning.

"Hello there." I said to him. "You need help with your reading, don't you?"

"Yes, yes I do." He said. "How could you tell?"


"Because the sign on the door says No Pakis."
Now listen carefully Bond...

This may look like a credit card, but in fact this card will unlock the doors of opportunities no matter your skills, anytime you don't get your own way simply show this, we call it the "Race card".
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Newest Jokes Today

There's been a lot of confusion about Islam going around lately, so I figured it would only be right if I provided a more concise definition:

Islam: Noun. A religion whose primary focus involves instilling morality and fear of God (Allah) into yourself, other people, or the general Muslim community via senseless acts of terror and violence. For example:

a) Islam my head into the floor (self).
b) Islam planes into buildings (others).
c) Islam stones into an innocent young woman who was just raped because she's an adulterous whore (Muslim community)... Allahu akbar

Put that in your hookah and smoke it you smelly Arab cunts.
I stood behind her and reached forward to undo the strap.

Without seeing, I knew that she was now bouncing free.

She turned and jumped on me, pushing me to the floor and started licking me all over.

At this point I had too shout at her to stop and chastise her.

Guide dogs are meant to be trained never to jump up.
I remember as a kid i loved Star Wars and was always pretending to be a Jedi in the school playground.
One day the school bully approached me as i play. "I'm gonna smash your stupid face in" he yelled at me.
Remembering the way of the Jedi i replied "IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN, I SHALL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE."

20 years on i have just awoken from the coma.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "Please, you can't do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, " Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
I was in a furniture store today when I asked the assistant, "What kind of filling does this duvet have?"

She replied, "Duck down, Sir."

I bent my knees, squatted, looked up at her and said "What kind of filling does this duvet have?"
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