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Hottest Today (10 of 434)
During sex the other day my girlfriend stopped and said she was too worried about her studies to concentrate, with her having an upcoming deadline...

To set her mind at rest and keep things going in the bedroom, I told her I'd help her with it... Sure enough we carried on and had a great night of sex, but now that it's come to that I don't know where to start...

Could anyone help me fill in the blanks?

C_T
D_G
AP_LE
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Joke by andyxxxx in Sex and shit - Paedophile - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 272.2

Susan Boyle reminds me of computers.

Whenever I see her, my cock goes Microsoft.
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Joke by nobscratcher in Celebrities - Susan Boyle - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 256

BBC News: US homes ripped apart by tornado.

Good to see the RAF giving a little payback, for the friendly fire attacks on our troops.
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Joke by youcunt in Other - Weather (+ 1 more) - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 216.8

My wifes tits are that big that when she runs she gets black eyes.


They just weigh her down so much that it's really easy for me to catch her.
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Joke by boombyebye in Crime - Domestic Violence - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 201.6

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by embassyno1 in Illness and mortality - Death (+ 1 more) - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 181

Why do the Sun always tell you the Page 3 girl's name, age and hometown?

I would like some useful information for a change ie; address, daily routine and what sort of security measures they have at home.
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Joke by DrMo in Crime - Rape - Added: 17 hours ago - Current Score: 169.2

My girlfriend was sucking my cock last night when I told her to give me a Stirling Moss.

"What's that?" She asked.

"I want you to go down right to the bottom of my shaft" I replied.
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Joke by a nigger stole my banana in Celebrities - Stirling Moss - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 112.4

I don't know why there is such an issue about teenage pregnancy in England.

In Africa, without teenage pregnancy, they'd be extinct.
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Joke by Brit_Miller in Sex and shit - Teenage Pregnancy - Added: 18 hours ago - Current Score: 91.2

Police say they 3 asylum seekers fell from the 15th floor. I heard it was the 16th, but that's another story. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by davie153 in In The News - Asylum Seekers - Added: 11 hours ago - Current Score: 64.8

A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn't around so he asks his dad.

The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does.
He replied, "What she's fucking told."
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Joke by Banksy in Other - Little Johnny - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 61.2

More from today.

Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Joke by Drofidnas in Sex and shit - Orgasm - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 976

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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Joke by Banz in Racism - Sexism (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 818.4

Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
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Joke by swiv in Other - Women (+ 2 more) - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 652.8

March 4th... I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by John Merrick in Other - ??? General - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 629.8

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!" I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by provenrobbie w in Other - Music - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 594.4

Sickipedia don't do beer - but if they did, it'd probably have rohypnol in it. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by symer in Crime - Rape - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 588.4

I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.
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Joke by sleeky21 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 535.6

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.
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Joke by tokem0n in Sex and shit - Women (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 533.8

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled children.

Perhaps calling it 'Spastics on Elastic' wasn't my finest hour.
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Joke by Cumquat in Illness and mortality - Disability - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 528

The new Microsoft advert shows a man using the 'private browsing' function of Internet Explorer to order his wife jewellery...

Yes, I'm sure that's what we're all using it for.
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Joke by andyxxxx in TV - Adverts - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 501.6

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Thom90 in Celebrities - Beyonce (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1537.2

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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Joke by John Merrick in Sports - Winter Olympics - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1327.2

Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by k_cc in Sex and shit - Wanking (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1263.4

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.
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Joke by Tinpotbob in Racism - Sexism - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1167.4

Roses are red, but there are also pink, white and yellow varieties
Violets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name
I've got OCD
And my poetry skills are also lacking.
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Joke by Drofidnas in Events - Valentines Day - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1095

Cocaine is never a solution.

Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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Joke by Banz in Other - Alcohol and Drugs - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1093.8

Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com? I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by TKSnatch in Other - ??? General (+ 2 more) - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1036

Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Joke by Drofidnas in Sex and shit - Orgasm - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 976

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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Joke submitted by ilovelamp, originally by Ben Fitzpatrick in Other - Women - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 941.4

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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Joke by furiousg in Racism - Chinese - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 918.8

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 434)
I went to anger management classes recently to combat my domestic violence habit. One of the things they said to me was that we often take things out most on the ones we love.

I though, hang on a minute, why the fuck am I hitting my wife then?
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Joke by fuck cunt in Crime - Domestic Violence - Added: 1 minute ago - Current Score: 1

I was thinking of coming home from work tonight, stripping naked, then slipping on a pair of the wife's pink silky panties. Popping a bit of Barbara Streisand on the stereo and then ramming one of the wife's massive dildos up my arse while I frantically wank my tiny cock to oblivion as I writhe in ecstasy thinking about all the people I've fucked over today and dreaming of being spanked by rent boys.

Then I remembered....

I'm not Gordon Brown.
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Joke by a nigger stole my banana in Celebrities - Gordon Brown - Added: 1 minute ago - Current Score: 0.8

Winston Singh a half Indian half black kid asks his Mum; " Am I mostly black or am I mostly Asian?"
"Your just my son" the Mother replies "But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike and I don't know whether to be Indian & haggle or just stab the cunt & take it."
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Joke by Mr. Twosheds in Racism - Black (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

My wife wanted a more secure future.

So I've invested half of all our money in stocks for her.

I've invested the other half in rotten fruit.
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Joke by Quadraplegicyetstilltyping in Other - Wordplay - Added: 3 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

With Ashley Cole and John Terry in the England squad, we have no chance of any clean sheets. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by pinoporsche in Sports - Football - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.2

2 men in Australia are dragging a paki out of the sea with a rope around his waist. a vicar walks past and says "that's what i like to see, man helping fellow man." When the vicar leaves one man turns to the other and say: "He might be a vicar and well respected, but he knows fuck all about shark fishing" I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by quaidzuke which requires categorising - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

I fell off my ladder at work cleaning windows and really hurt myself, I'm not quite sure if I'll fully be able to do my job again, but at the moment I'm just taking things one step at a time. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by OOOOOOOO DEAR which requires categorising - Added: 7 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.6

Proverb:
A stitch in time..... saves the space time continium captain......
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Joke by welshbloke in TV - Star Trek - Added: 7 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.2

drinking non-alcoholic beer is like licking off your sister: tastes the same, but you know somethings wrong I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tonywillo1 in Sex and shit - Incest - Added: 7 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.2

I see Simon Weston was on tv again

singing I am sailing on Scar's in their eyes
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Joke by The Lard in Other - Accidents - Added: 8 minutes ago - Current Score: -3.2

Weewa got buried to -7.8. Reveal Joke

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absoute mystery as to why though?

The plot thickens...
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Joke by zobbertron in Other - Wordplay - Added: 11 minutes ago - Current Score: 5.8

A man, about to tee off, felt a tap on his shoulder and another man handed him a card that read: "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back and, shouting, communicated, "No, you may NOT play through, your handicap gives you no such right."
The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole, he was hit in the head by a golf ball, laying [...]

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Joke by Tom64 in Sports - Golf - Added: 12 minutes ago - Current Score: 2.8

Don't you hate it when your wife uses your razor to shave her legs, leaving it blunt thus causing you great amounts of pain when you use it?

Retaliate by using her expensive hair straighteners to make your toast, her limited edition stiletto heels to put a picture hook up or her sexy lingerie as a wank-rag.

See how she fucking likes it.
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Joke by Cumquat in Other - Women - Added: 13 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.8

Always attend peoples funerals, otherwise they'll never attend yours. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by lp ben, originally by YOGI BERRA in Other - ??? General - Added: 18 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.2

'I was bursting out of my Size 14 trousers' : Myleene Klass on her battle with the bulge.

Coincidentally, I have the same trouble seeing one of Myleen's bikini photos.
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Joke by nobscratcher in Sex and shit - Erections - Added: 28 minutes ago - Current Score: 3.6

I have found that the older I get, the better at sex I have become. When I first met my missus I could shag her all night before she was finally satisfied. Now if I do it once she's satisfied for weeks. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Ellist in Sex and shit - Sex - Added: 32 minutes ago - Current Score: 4.6

My wife found a site where they explain to women why their husbands are addicted to porn.

It's called 'Pornhubby'
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Joke by oxcock in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 33 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.2

Was dissapointed with watching Mrs Doyle shagging lasnight. Expected "go on, go on, go on, go on" and instead she just fell asleep. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by kev2927 in TV - Shameless - Added: 43 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.8

Leo got buried to -5.4. Reveal Joke

My friend said to me, "There was this guy on Jeremy Kyle who'd fucked three different women and they were all pregnant at the same time".

I said, "That's disgusting.... "

".....sitting at home in the day watching that shit.... get a fucking job".
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Joke by Poopypants in Celebrities - Jeremy Kyle - Added: 45 minutes ago - Current Score: 15.4

BHAMatthew got buried to -6.2. Reveal Joke

This bloke was trying to chat me up last night. He asked what I use for protection when having sex.
I told him; "I have my six foot four inch pimp, Leroy in the room next door."
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Joke by penny in Sex and shit - Prostitute - Added: 50 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.6

greasedcougar got buried to -8.2. Reveal Joke

I go from door to door spreading the word about the holy vacuum cleaner.

I'm a Jehoover's Witness.
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Joke by PFCGino in Religion - Jehovahs Witness - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: -1.8

Police have stated that they are treating the death of the three asylum seekers as suspicious, adding, 'we definitely pushed four!' I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Jinkersho in In The News - Asylum Seekers - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 25.4

When it comes to anagrams, contempt clues will always lead to complete cunts. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by twattybollocks in Other - Wordplay - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: -3.2

What's white and can't catch Canaries?

Leeds Utd.
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Joke by behappy in Sports - Football - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: 10

I've just seen a guy lying on a bit of cardboard in a subway, playing a harmonica to earn some money.

It's nice to see not every one's out of work because of the recession.
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Joke by kakheadman in Illness and mortality - Homeless - Added: 3 hours ago - Current Score: 20.4

What is the difference between McDonalds and a fat girl on her period?

I don't have seconds after eating out at McDonalds.
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Joke by FT232 in Sex and shit - Menstruation - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 17.8


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