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I called my boss this morning.

"I won't be coming today," I said. "One of my relatives died."

"Who was it?" he asked. "And why is there music playing in the background?"

"It was my mother-in-law," I replied. "That's why I'm at the disco."
Israel were very poor against Wales.

They were the last side I'd expect to give up possession so easily.
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Random 5!

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

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Hottest Jokes This Month

A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
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Newest Jokes Today

It's been reported that German. Co-pilot. Andreas Lubitz had eyesight problems. Seems like his hearing wasn't too great, either if he couldn't hear the captain screaming 'open this fucking door you cunt'
So, Zayn Malik has quit One Direction, stating that he wants to live like a 'normal' 22 year old, without all the trappings associated with fame, success and money.

Or, in other words, pursue a solo career.
An Irish Muslim came up to me in a shopping mall the other day, knocked me to the ground and stuck a gun in my face and screamed "Recite a part of the Koran - or I'll blow your face off you Christian infidel"!

I looked up into the gun barrel and whimpered K-O-R

Yes, I did live to tell the tale, stupid!
Imagine my dismay when I turned up at the royal Albert hall for the bbc's "young brass of the year award" only to find a bunch of spotty twats playing trumpets!!
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