Hottest Today
(10 of 975)
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You hate niggers but wake up to find Beyonce naked in your bed ... Your move racist.
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If you're repeating a gag from a comedian - always credit it. It's only fair.
Seen a gag written by a comedian that's uncredited?
Help the community - edit it and credit it. You will now gain bonus points.
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My wife has got the dreaded, "Big C".
It's okay though, her asshole is still nice and tight.
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My wife did something last night with her mouth that all men love...
She shut it.
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BBC News: Woman punched in face by stranger.
(Phew!)
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BBC News: Bipolar disorder 'not to blame for violent behaviour'
Well, half of the time it isn't.
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I love to have sex with a bird that has Tourette's, it makes my neighbours think I'm great in bed!
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News: 'Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.'
He needs a calmer chameleon.
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Isn't a white baby on the black market a bit of a grey area?
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BBC News - Capello insists Rooney will play.
When is this twat going to learn to speak English?
It's pronounced 'pay'
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Katy Perry has revealed in a recent interview that she's afraid of the dark.
I'm not too keen myself, especially if they're carrying a knife.
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
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I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell it to Dettol.
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A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."
"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."
"Please don't say things like that."
"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."
"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
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Do you think when sexy blondes go on porn websites they get adverts popping up saying, "A fat bloke from Watford wants to have sex with you"?
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I wonder if Google realise that 75% of their traffic is made up of people using them as their 'emergency non-porn tab'
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A very wise woman once said:
Nothing.
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Just bought a copy of International Cricket 2010 for my Xbox, but the disc is broken.
I'm looking for a Paki now, I've heard they're fucking good at fixing cricket games.
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BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"
If god DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...
Nope, no sign of that.
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"
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I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
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It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
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Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.
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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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I've been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.
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I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 975)
What's the difference between me and James Bond?
The girls that Bond fucks die, after he's fucked them
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Name three football teams with a swear-word in their name.
Arsenal, Scunthorpe and fucking Chelsea.
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My daughter smeared butter all over my knob earlier.
Now I can't open the fucking door.
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I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.
First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
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Anyone else having trouble getting the red button to work during the pakistan flood coverage?
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I went to the dentist the other day, he sat me down in the chair and said "brace yourself", "no, that's your fucking job" I replied
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You hate niggers but wake up to find Beyonce naked in your bed ... Your move racist.
I'll stick to what I know....your move necrophiliac
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Anyone hear about the blind bloke that got mugged ?
he never saw it coming
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Ireland - I got drunk there and got an abortion in England.
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Little girl in the garden asks Daddy, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No sweetie, there are no mummy-longlegs,
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My wife was complaining she doesn't get out of the house enough.after 3 years in the basement she woulld have got the idea
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The red cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I told them i would love too but unfortunatley my hose pipe only reaches the bottom of the garden.
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Liechtenstein. You'll never beat the mighty Scots over 97.8 minutes.
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I keep getting these annoying texts. You know the ones where they keep sending more and more of them. I finally had enough today and sent STOP to the offending number.
Didn't work though; just got a reply saying something about missing our wedding day.
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How can a black girl tell if she's pregnant?
The cotton is getting picked off her tampon.
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I've had a hip replacement,new knees and heart by-pass surgery,fought prostrate cancer and diabetes.I'm half blind,can hardly hear a thing and take twenty two different types of medication.I can hardly feel my hands and feet and lately I've started to become forgetful and confused.....thank fuck I still have my driving license.
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my wife caught me wanking to a magic eye book
i said
"its not what it looks like"
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I came home from work tonight and found my wife in the kitchen crying her eyes out.
I said, "whats wrong?"
She said, "the cats eaten your tea."
I said "don't worry i'll bury him and get you another one."
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I could never see myself fucking a child, but thanks to specsavers, now I can.
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I was on Facebook and took the quiz "How black are you?". The questions were really long and looked hard so I just left them blank because I couldn't be borthered. I submitted it blank and guess what I am 100% black!
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my wife left me because she says i over exagerate. but she has said that like a Billion times before and nothing ever happened.
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If its not a good idea to go swimming for a while after you have eaten something then I don't think midgets should be taking a bath...... just saying.
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If you give a thalidomide a gun, is he armed?
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Just bought a new lighter, and on the side it says 'keep away from children'.
Shit, they're on to me.
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My sex life is like dunking a rich tea biscuit. In and out, in and out, pull it out after it's gone limp to find it was half the size it was when it went in, then look at where it was taken out of, decide you don't like the look of that and chuck it out the door.
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My wife and my mother-in-law both swallowed my cum tonight.
Sometimes that cooking lark has its bonuses.
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Just watched a video of the twin towers falling again, lets see how well your bag less hover succeeds in cleaning up that mess Mr.Dyson!
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I find a lot of these Nazi jokes on this site offensive as my Grandfather died in Auschwitz.
He fell out the guard tower.
------------------------------
This is a joke by Henning Wehn
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The worlds gone crazy, The BBC have been showing news about some floods in pakistan before news about the Luftwaffe attacks on London.
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I was fucking my wife's pussy last night, I wasn't quite sure how to explain why Felix was walking funny
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More from today.
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