Hottest Jokes Today

Sat here watching the news about the shootings in Tunisia and Isis, thinking;

'Remember the good old days of Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gaddaffi'

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Tonight at midnight, we get an extra second. Something to do with the Earth's rotation.
So how are you planning on spending your extra second?
I think I might take the time to read the book French Military Victories.
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Random 5!

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I'll try anything once.
A woman runs into a police station shouting, "Grape! Grape!"

The cop says, "Don't you mean rape, ma'am?"

The woman says, "No, there was a bunch of them!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.

They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended.
Girls, instead of changing your Facebook profile photo into a rainbow in support of gay marriage being legalised in America, a much better way to show your support would be if you just changed your photo to one of you and your best mate getting naked and rubbing oil on each other.
It's great being a pet shop owner, I have a notice in my window - Skunk for sale - The police take no notice and I make a fortune shifting 2 kilos a day.
A man has been forced to stop selling toilet rolls, with images of The Prophet Mohammed on them, on eBay.

Because he's sold out.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day.

Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said,

"He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."
The NHS cutbacks are really starting to show.

I went for my prostate exam today, and instead of lube the doctor spat on my arsehole.
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Newest Jokes Today

USA vs Germany in the Women's world cup semi final. The Germans will be watching out for the US using their usual sneaky strategy when the 2 nations meet:

Going in late.
A friend at work was joking that the biggest losers in this Women's World Cup would be the players boyfriends who had to make their own dinner.

Surely that should be "girlfriends....."
The NRA have claimed that a massacre, similar to the one on the beach in Tunisia, could not happen in The United States Of America.

Because fifty people would pull out their own gun and shoot anyone they saw with a gun.
"Is Pepsi OK?" I asked the lady standing at the bar.

"Yes, she's really well thanks," Shirlie replied.
Greece: "We'll bounce back."

"We've just had a bit of a rough patch the last 2,000 years."
Nigel Pearson has been sacked by Leicester City. It comes after the Thai owner found out that one of the 3 players who racially abused Thai prostitutes they had an orgy with, was Pearson's son.

Awkward of the abused women was the owner's mum.
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