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Ched Evans is distraught at being dropped by Sheffield United.

"How on Earth am I going to get another trial now?" he was heard to comment.

Easy Ched, just rape someone else.
The poo powered bus has had to be withdrawn from service after developing a fault.

The manufacturers are said to be investigating why the fuel leak alarm activates every time it passes a mosque.
It's the university's fancy dress Christmas party this weekend for the professors, and me and the rest of the biology department are going as body parts.
It's bound to be a laugh, Bill Tobers and his missus are going as big floppy tits, I'm going to be a massive erect dick with a purple tip. And the wife's being a huge cunt.

She's said I can't go.
The wife just asked me if I'd like to take her up the shitter.

Obviously I declined, having once before been tricked into carrying the fat bitch upstairs to the toilet.
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Random 5!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"
Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...

I walk into the pub with half my cock showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!?
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
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Newest Jokes Today

On BBC news London, 2 Polish men died when a balcony collapsed.

A neighbour, Sandra Panagopoulos, witnessed the accident.

A pedestrian, Raj Ramanoop was also close to the scene at the time.

Bus driver Abdul Pulmatool said it was a scene of complete devastation.

There were 8 other people injured in the accident - of Indian, African, Brazilian, Ukranian, Russian, Afghan, Slovakian and Turkish origins.

No actual British people were available to comment.
News: Justin Bieber to spend two weeks with pastor learning how to spread God's word.

"It won't be easy, but I think it will make me a better person,"

Said the pastor.
I see that Germany has had the brilliant idea of opening a new hotline, where people can call in, swearing and cursing at strangers on the other end.

It's not a first, though.

In the UK it's called 'Talk Talk Customer Service'.
I've noticed I'm getting loads of people coming into my shop just to look at the labels attached to the items just so they can then go home and order online. So now I've put my own labels on everything Lets see how the twats get on with that google search.
Bounced in the door pissed drunk last night and slid into bed beside the missus feeling a bit naughty....

' Ummm so your so warm and moist"....

" Sorry love, pissed myself in the taxi"
Mark Reckless has won the Rochester seat for UKIP

MP Reckless....

Kinda sounds like UKIP are trying to shed their racist image by putting young black rappers up for election.
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