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I see Ryanair is now charging £10 for a blanket and pillow.

Well, at least you can get a good solid 8 hours sleep while you're waiting on the runway.
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Random 5!

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I've had to take a second job working in a bakery.
I knead the dough.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Three Indians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Three Israelis walk into a bar. The barman says, "Jew can't be serious!"
Three Muslims walk into a bar. The barman says, "Fuck off, you Paki bastards."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching porn and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."
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Newest Jokes Today

I saw the love of my life today.

Then accidentally swiped left.
a dustman knocks on paddy's door and says, where's your bin? paddy replies, on holiday? dustman says, no. where's your wheelie bin? paddy says, i wheelie bin on holiday.
A black female firearms officer has been awarded £37,000 compensation for racial and sexual discrimination. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said they were considering an appeal: "If we were so racist and sexist we wouldn't have employed the cocksucking black bitch in the first place", he said.
Arsenal fans had hoped for Wenger to sign Falcao, but instead landed Welbeck.
It's a bit like asking for anal sex from the wife, and getting a pat on the head.
Tonight on ITV2 there's a program about Joey Essex travelling to Alabama to train as an astronaut. The premise of the show is that he's too thick to be launched into space but that seems pretty unfair and I reckon they should do it.

Finding out whether he's smart enough to get back down again would make great TV.
With all the leaked nude celebrity pictures all over the internet at the moment, I was thrilled when my mate sent me an exclusive celebrity sex tape..

I pulled down my pants, broke open a new box of Kleenex, grabbed my cock, and. . . . . .cried, as I saw Paul Ross off his tits and taking it up the chuff.
It always used to piss me off when my mum used to say 'you've got to push yourself son'.

It took all the fun out of the swings.
My missus got some builders in to do some work on the house, they bodged it and fucked off quick with the cash.
I asked her "were they rushing?"
The dozy cunt said "No, I think they were Polish."
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