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My black mate invited me round his house for dinner earlier. I was very surprised and impressed, I didn't expect him to live in such a nice house if I'm being honest.

He should get his front door sorted out though. We had to climb in through the upstairs window.
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
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Random 5!

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."

I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

What does Jimmy Savile and the Westboro Baptist Church have in common with minors, screwing them up since 1955.
My racist friend said shalom to my Jewish friend and I didn't know if I should slap him or laugh, so i decided to do both and slap the Jew then laugh when he ran off crying.
I found my gay son in his room with 500 cigarettes the other day.

He said "I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean for you to find out".

I replied "I am shocked. How could this happen"?

He then said "I'm sorry for smoking, Dad".

Then I said "I'm not shocked about you smoking, I'm shocked at how there can be 501 fags in one room at once".
I'm a massive fan of Stephen Fry, I never miss an episode of QI and I watch every documentary he's in.
I love the guy so much, I ordered enough full sized statues of him to fill my garden, sixteen of them.
On the day the wagon of Stephens was due, I was so excited I spent all morning on my doorstep waiting for it.
When it eventually pulled up outside my house however, I realised there had been an awful mistake.

They'd sent the Hugh lorry.
I was on my way home from work and my wife rang me and frantically said:

"I was cooking dinner and I knocked a pan of boiling water all over myself, I've got severe burns to my arms and legs, what shall I do Steve?"

So I said "If you boil some water in the kettle and pour that into the saucepan you should be able to get the rice cooked in time, I'll be home in 10 minutes babe"
There was a knock on Kate and Gerry Mccann's door.
Standing there was a young girl, around 13.
Kate instantly hugged her and exclaimed,
"Madeline, where have you been!?"
Madeline held up a paper bag from McDonald's, "Picking up this cheeseburger for 99p"
News Headline: Crime rates up 3.6% in the last year.

It blows me away that enough Africans, Muslims, and Irishmen have moved to this country to make up 3.6% more of the population since last year.
Today I discovered that my Girlfriend was a virgin before she had met me,I learnt this by asking her what was the biggest Penis she had ever had, she answered me with a straight and truthful gaze "Why, yours my love"
My nan was telling me about my grandad I never met the other day and she started to talk about his death, she said "I still remember his last words"
I said "what were they?"
She replied "OH FUCK ITS A BUS!"
Oil is formed when dead bodies decompose under pressure over long periods of time.

So a million years from now, America will be invading Iraq to obtain the remains of the people they blew up the last time they went there to steal all the oil.
Following her recent plastic surgery Tulisa Contostavlos has released the following statement to clear up any possible confusion : "my cousin is called Dappy not Daffy"
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