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Fucking all the white women he can, shooting anybody that gets in his way, stealing whatever vehicle he can when he's in trouble...

Yes, Bond was born to be black.
There are some women who aren't very good at taking compliments. Take my next door neighbour for example.

What's her fucking problem?! Her 7 year old daughter does have an incredible arse!
Why does it take 3,000 Jihadists to change a lightbulb? 1 to hold the ladder, 1 to change the bulb and 2,998 to avenge the death of the old one.
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Random 5!

Went hiking with my mate the other day, half way to the summit I fell, slipping a disc in my spine. He looked at me and grinned saying "I guess you could call this 'Brokeback' mountain".

"Very funny, but I haven't broken my back."

"I know, but I'm about to fuck you."
God, it makes me laugh to think about all the lies my parents told me when I was a kid. Like how Santa Claus left presents for me under the tree for being a good boy all year, and how the Easter Bunny hid chocolate eggs around the house for praying hard to Jesus, and how the Sodomy Fairy bought me a bike for not saying anything to my mum...
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Apparently, black students in South Africa have pelted Cecil John Rhodes's statue with their own faeces recently because back in 1896, he called Africans 'Sub human'


Yeah, that'll teach the bastard just how wrong he was.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
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Newest Jokes Today

A man phones the council and inquires, "How much are your manhole covers?"

"I'm not sure we sell to the public, sir," said the receptionist. "I can go and check. May I ask what its for?"

"It's for my wife."

"As a present?"

"No ... for her mouth."
I really thought my wife was going to get me something unique for tonight's fancy dress.Unfortunately,all she got me was a black hooded robe and a scythe.

Things are looking Grim.
A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I could spare a tenner for a coffee in Costa.

"A tenner?, " I said. "For a coffee? You've got no chance! Here's twenty."
I can still remember my first football match, we decided to go the night before.
We took the Metro, I had to buy a scarf.
That feeling of walking into the Gallowgate for the first time.
It was then that I knew - I had to be a footballer.

The only thing that ruined it was being lifted up by some fat fucking paedo.
One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. "She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know forsure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, "Dear, Iâm all ready!" The husband asks, "For what? "She says, "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies, "What? Sex?!? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.
Last night sat on the sofa with the newspaper I turned to the wife and said, "Do you fancy an early night?" Her eyes opened wide and smiling seductively stroking my arm, she replied, "I sure do, lover."

"Good," I said, "You're in luck, the clocks go forward," and carried on reading the paper.
When I travel to drought-stricken areas, I conserve water by using another colorless, tasteless, odorless liquid.

Carlsberg.
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