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My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.

"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."

"How's that gonna help?" she asked.

"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
"Where the fuck have you been all night?" I demanded to know, as the wife walked in this morning.

"Well me and a few girls from work went out for a couple of drinks when we finished. One drink led to another, then we went clubbing." She explained. "By the end of the night it was just me and Julie left. I was absolutely hammered and I crashed at hers."

"Oh, that's ok then. I said, relieved.

"Not really." She replied. "The car's fucked and I owe her a fence."
Just been banned from my church's Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.
So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink," I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt," I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "That's my beer you're drinking."
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Newest Jokes Today

Jokes on this site are like taking a shit. Most are sloppy and stink but every once in awhile you come aross one you can't wait to share with your friends
Osama Bin Laden and Colonel Gadaffi were sitting by a fire in Hell.

Gadaffi turns to Bin Laden and says:
Why the fuck did we have to go to Norway for our Holidays this year?
A Spanish newspaper has reported that David Cameron was stung by a jellyfish after he was warned not to enter open waters.

Mother of God...

Is the Jellyfish okay?!
21 year old Arca Hussein as been jailed for life for beheading his 18 year old girlfriend , Reema Ramzan with a kitchen knife .


His new cellmates have already nicknamed him Clearasil because of his efficiency at removing blackheads .
Every time I'm broke and need a drink I search desperately down the backs of the chairs for lost change.

They fucking hate me at DFS.
I see the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him.

Somehow, I doubt that's the kind of publicity the Vatican is looking for
Mohammed. A revered religious icon, never to be mocked.

So how come you're banned from painting a respectful picture of him, but you are encouraged to name your under-age grooming, unprotected raping, knife-wielding mugging, drug-taking cunt of a kid, after him?
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