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Random 5!

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"

"Not at all," I told her.

"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"

"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that fucking size attached to it."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

"You're Dave right?"
"Yes."
"Winston Wolfe, I fix problems. I understand Kanye West has announced he will run against you for the presidency?"
"Right."
"You know there are people out there that can make sure that this never happens again."
"What will they do?"
"What cops always do. Shoot blacks!"
The police are always taking people down to the station and asking them questions.

They should just hire smarter police.
I wish the US / UK one-upmanship would stop.

They had George W Bush, so we have David Cameron and now they're beating us in the cunt stakes by fielding Donald Trump and Kanye West.

At this rate, the next Labour PM will be Keith Lemon.
Apparently David De Gea's transfer from Manchester United was cast into doubt because United sent files in the wrong document format. Madrid officials reported to be feverishly trying to work out how to open a .fcku attachment...
"What's in the carrier bag?" Asked the wife as I gingerly came downstairs.

"It's our Billy's gerbil. I think it's dead" I told her. "I'm taking it to the bin."

"I don't think you need to put it in a carrier bag." She said. "That seems a bit insensitive."

"I didn't want to upset you." I explained."

"Seeing a dead gerbil wouldn't upset me."


"No, but my spunk dripping on the carpet would."
Instead of telling people why women were partly to blame for rape, Chrissie Hynde would have been better advised to give tips on how to avoid being raped.

Like, by wearing a burqa for instance.
I've just been chucked out of the village fiction book club all I did was take a copy of the Koran with me.
Scientists from the Universities of Dundee and Edinburgh say they've formulated a new recipe for ice cream that doesn't melt in warm temperatures.

Firstly, it's caked in 20 Mars bars and deep fried in batter.
A Jew walks in to a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the Palestinian barman.

"Well, for a start, you can get the fuck out of my bar," says the Jew.
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