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Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize.
We were sat watching tv earlier, when my girlfriend said:

"I'm as horny as fuck, I'm going upstairs. I'll be back down when I've cum."

'What an idiot' I thought, 'we live in a flat'.
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Random 5!

I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.

"How could you?!" she screamed. "How fucking could you?! You've fucked my sister you bastard!"

"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"

"The fucking autopsy," she cried.
My girlfriend is really upset after she found out my work Christmas party is going to be in a strip club.

I didn't help myself trying to reassure her by saying, "Babe, if I was capable of pulling a stripper, I wouldn't be with you."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."
"Right, I've been thinking," I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage, I think it would best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears. "We should have discussed this together."

"My mind's made up," I insisted.

"I think your wife's right," the consultant said. "After all, she's the one with cancer."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
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Newest Jokes Today

Tonight I'm going to dress up as the grim reaper. And if an old lady opens her door and asks me:
'Aren't you a little bit too old?'
I'll reply in a dark voice:
'Same question to you madam.'
I've just been trying on the police outfit I'll be wearing out on Halloween and I look ridiculous in it.

So I should fit in on my first day as a PCSO.
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:

"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."

"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."
The father of murdered schoolgirl Sarah Payne has been found dead at his home in Kent.

The press are currently camped outside Gerry McCann's home.
Two serious fires have destroyed a Hovis bakery and a nearby Lurpak distribution centre today. There are no injuries but up to 650 jobs are going to be lost.

A local resident has said,

"We are devastated, these places were the communities bread and butter. "
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