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I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget.

"You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked.

"Looking for a good time, are you?" she said, smiling.

"No," I replied. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that can fit through my cat flap."
HSBC says it is now processing payments affected by an IT glitch

Not a problem, just donate 25 quid to my account every day it's late and we'll say no more about it?
My 16 year old son ran home delighted after getting his GCSE results.

"All A grades Dad!" he beamed.

"Well done lad," I said. "How many did you get?"

"It was all of my fingers and thumbs plus my little toe."
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Random 5!

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

The neighbours dogs woke me up last night barking loudly.

So I threw my shoes out of the window at them and that shut them up.

It was a pair of hush puppies.
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"That's fucking ridiculous!" I said. "It's not true."

"Is that so?" she smiled.

"Yeah," I replied. "I fancy your sister then your best friend."
Last week when I saw my mother-in-law I made a joke about her weight and it didn't go down well.

I was at a family party yesterday and so I went over to her to apologise.

She explained that she was very sensitive about her weight and thanked me for the apology.

I said I'm glad I got it off my chest as I felt there was an elephant in the room when I arrived.
I was asked by the Magistrate who I wanted as my Probation Officer upon release from prison, and I told him my wife would do, "why do you want your wife as your Probation Officer" and I told him she has never let me complete a fucking sentence yet!
I watched Mumford and sons at the Reading festival last night.

I find it strange that Marcus Mumford's sons look as old as him.
My 16 year old son ran home delighted after getting his GCSE results.

"All A grades Dad!" he beamed.

"Well done lad," I said. "How many did you get?"

"It was all of my fingers and thumbs plus my little toe."
My mate said, "I had a dream last night that I had sex with my dad."

"Don't worry about it, it's not that unusual" I said.

"Really, have you had the same dream?" he asked.

"Of course I have," I replied, "your dad's gorgeous."
"I've just had to walk out of the 99p shop" I said to my friend

"Why? he asked

"Because I couldn't afford to use a trolley" I replied
I stood on the top deck of the ocean liner with my son and we stared out into the icy wilderness.

'Hey dad, do you think we'll see the whale surface again this morning ?' asked my young son.

'Not a chance son, the fat cow will be in bed until the 1pm free buffet starts'.
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