God, it makes me laugh to think about all the lies my parents told me when I was a kid. Like how Santa Claus left presents for me under the tree for being a good boy all year, and how the Easter Bunny hid chocolate eggs around the house for praying hard to Jesus, and how the Sodomy Fairy bought me a bike for not saying anything to my mum...
I can still remember my first football match, we decided to go the night before.
We took the Metro, I had to buy a scarf.
That feeling of walking into the Gallowgate for the first time.
It was then that I knew - I had to be a footballer.
The only thing that ruined it was being lifted up by some fat fucking paedo.
One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. "She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know forsure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, "Dear, Iâ€™m all ready!" The husband asks, "For what? "She says, "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies, "What? Sex?!? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.
Last night sat on the sofa with the newspaper I turned to the wife and said, "Do you fancy an early night?" Her eyes opened wide and smiling seductively stroking my arm, she replied, "I sure do, lover."
"Good," I said, "You're in luck, the clocks go forward," and carried on reading the paper.