Hot jokes today (10 of 98)
You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won't fight for it. |    |
A quarter of over 50s are failing to save.
It's CTRL & S. You old fucks. | |
Minority groups are campaigning for more Muslim families to be in Eastenders.
That would be too far fetched though - everyone knows that Muslims wouldn't go near a soap. | |
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" | |
I was walking down the street with my girlfriend the other day, when I saw 5 youths beating up a pakistani.
My girlfriend turned to me and said, " Aren't you going to help? "
I replied, " No, 5 should be enough. " | |
I feel that i was unjustly sacked from my job yesterday.
My boss felt that having sex with the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired me.
That's the last time I work for an undertaker. | |
Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
Because it's never seen in a combat zone. | |
| I'm sweating like an Austrian at a family reunion. | |
I love living in a country with child obesity so high.
As a pedophile, it makes the children easier to catch when they run away.
| |
| The best thing about being a vet is, I can make a woman show me her pussy then send her husband the bill! | |
Hot jokes this week (3 of 691)
What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast. | |
You know you're a Taliban if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat. | |
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. | |
Hottest Ever (3 of 9540)
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead. | |
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." | |
| Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. | |
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Top Users
Newest jokes (10 of 9540)
Did you hear about the blonde woman who was feeling suicidal?
She killed her twin by mistake. | |
| Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. | |
| Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on. | |
What's white on top and black on bottom?
Society | |
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an Derby County shirt?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment. | |
Margaret Thatcher dies and goes to Heaven. She's having a bit of bother at the Pearly Gates though. Seems that St. Peter's a bit of a jobsworth.
"I'm sorry Mrs Thatcher but you can't come in. Your report says that you are a nonce, a peado, a kiddie fiddler..."
"My good man," she interrupted. "I am Baroness Lady Thatcher. I was for 11 years the leader of Great Britain, the greatest country in the whole wide world. I single handedly saved the Falkland Islands from Argentina..."
"Look here, lady", he interrupted the interruption. "It says here you fucked the minors! Now fuck off and go to hell. Nonce!"
I know it's a weak joke, but don't you just love those 1st 3 words? | |
Why does Sven refuse to eat humble pie?
Because he just 8-1 | |
I really don't approve of some of the jokes on this site, I mean, I have a black man in my family tree.
You can see him out back, just open the door and there he is.......................swinging. | |
| Apparently the Wurzels are reforming - they are going to do a cover version of the Gina G hit "Ooh Arr, Just a Little Bit." | |
A nigger and a crocodile on a leash walk into a bar.
The barman asks: Where'd you get that brute?
The crocodile replied: I won him in a raffle | |
Next Page
Hot jokes THIS MONTH (5 of 2146)
How does every black joke begin?
With a look over your shoulder | |
| If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting? | |
How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side. | |
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch." | |
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw it coming. | |
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