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Hottest Today (10 of 430)
 

1291070
I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory

It was pretty rubbish. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by sicko123456 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 231.2

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1291097
My wife come running into me the other day screaming at the top of her head.

"Adam said he's been molested and won't tell anyone how or who did it!"

Safe to say, Adam looks like he'll be getting the PS3 he wanted. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by paddy_boyO8 in Other - ??? Random - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 200.8



1291183
After Stewart Downing's inclusion in the England squad, I think they should name a street in his honour, where all people who are shit at their jobs and got selected when no-one wants them should live. Hang on... I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ACSpound in Sports - Football (+ 1 more) - Added: 12 hours ago - Current Score: 153.6

1291077
I went to the psychiatrist I said, "I can hear voices."

"I see," He replied, "How many?"

"Just the two at the moment." I replied.

"And can I ask how often you hear these voices?" He asked.

"Whenever you or I speak." I replied. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by bumblesquash in Other - Stupid - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 95.6

1290983
Researchers find caveman pornography in France...

Appropriately named, 2 Girls, 1 Club... 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by R0bd0g in In The News - ??? Other - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 90

1291044
I'm getting pretty nervous about my maths exam.

I think I've got a 40:40% chance of passing. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by robinhood96 in Other - Stupid - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 64.8

1291331
I saw a sexy woman sitting in the pub last night.

I walked over and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice how attractive you were. How do you fancy letting me buy you drink?"

"Errrr...Hello!" said her husband, sitting on the seat opposite, "Am I invisible?"

"Fuck off pal" I said, "You can buy your own." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by mg1 in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 9 hours ago - Current Score: 54.4

1291156
Congratulations Stewart Downing on winning a free holiday for 4 weeks to Poland and Ukraine courtesy of the FA. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Justfarted in Sports - Football - Added: 13 hours ago - Current Score: 49.2

1291338
Pep Guardiola has been linked with the vacant Liverpool managers job.

Well, he did say he needs a break from football. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by rustyspoons in Sports - Football - Added: 9 hours ago - Current Score: 35.8

1291102
Every Sunday morning I go out and do two hours of bell ringing.

All my friends take the mickey out of me for having such a strange hobby, but I find it very therapeutic.

It seems to piss off the bus driver a bit though. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ray piste in Other - Stupid - Added: 15 hours ago - Current Score: 30

More from today.

Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
1287516
As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"

"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by bumblesquash in Other - ??? Random - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 565.6

1288642
Just got a text from my mate saying he was going to kill himself and ignored it.

"Don't you think you should do something?" asked my girlfriend.

"He's on T-Mobile," I replied, "the funeral was last week." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by scottyc79 in Other - ??? Random - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 527

1288182
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."

"Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt." 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by WTD in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 488

1289639
Amanda Holden said on Britain's Got Talent that she's always felt as though she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

This is definitely her way of saying she loves cock up her arse. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by blobby2k12 in Celebrities - Amanda Holden - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 426.8

1289008
The new "Freedom Tower", which is replacing the fallen Twin Towers, is almost built.

Al Qaeda are calling it, "Level 2". 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Milo in In The News - 9/11 - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 425.8

1289322
Mancini's men win the Premier League.

Well paid, City. Well paid. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by HomerJ in Sports - Football - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 396.8

1290958
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Other - ??? Random - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 387.4

1287929
My girlfriend was screaming at me.

"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?" 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tdfboy in Sex and shit - Girlfriend - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 327.8

1290266
"Well I know someone who's not getting a Mother's day card!" I shouted.

As I walked out of the abortion clinic. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by anonymous1990 in Events - Mothers Day - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 306.8

1290768
Apparently Manchester United have had the worst season in their entire history with regard to injuries.

I think 1958 might have been their worst. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by PissTake_Peg in Sports - Football - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 296.8

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
1274350
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Michael - he's super cute. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by tdfboy, originally by illustratenate@twitter.com in Sex and shit - Gay - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,720

1276931
Good thing nigger rhymes with nigger or Lil Wayne would be out of a job. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ShaunTheSperm in Racism - Black - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,137.6

1286908
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.

When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.

When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Lordfudgington in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 815.4

1272965
My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.

The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.

I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by gazzytee in Illness and mortality - Miscarriage - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 802

1274281
Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by SuckUsOff in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 777

1272988
My mate died after taking an E.

Countdown's security staff don't fuck about. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Other - Wordplay (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 766.6

1284803
Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by mike_m, originally by The Amazing Atheist in Sex and shit - Feminists - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 748.2

1278736
My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Biscuit777 in Sex and shit - Dating - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 744.6

1283065
CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by JustSomeRandom, originally by @Pundamentalism in Other - Calendar (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 736.4

1277901
Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by marccee4 in Sports - Football - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 735.8

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 430)
(0 new since last update)
1291720
I often masturbate to the Queens of the Stone Age.

No one knows. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cumguzzler in Other - Music - Added: 1 minute ago - Current Score: 0.8

1291719
'BBC News: Robert F Kennedy Jr's estranged wife has been found dead at her home in New York state. No cause of death had been released, but US media reported the 52-year-old had been found hanged.'

Now I'm no pathologist but I'm gonna say it was the hanging bit that killed her... 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by haveallthemaddieusernamesgone? which requires categorising - Added: 3 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1291718
When I'm alone I wank myself off listening to Queens of the stone age

But no one knows 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by rider_of_rohan in Other - Wordplay (+ 2 more) - Added: 19 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.8

1291717
My bald father had his 55th birthday this week and I totally forgot about it. So I grabbed the 1st thing I saw which was a cheap comb to give to him.


He said he'd never part with it.


Then he tossed it in the bin. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Dogbite66 in Other - Family - Added: 31 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.8

1291716
hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
I'm in your cupboard,
I'll rape you maybe. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by RaymondGrant in Sex and shit - Rape (+ 2 more) - Added: 35 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1291715
I once super glued my mates Tennis racket.

He'll just never let it go. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Wasteman95 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 39 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.8

1291714
I've decided that instead of having a birthday I'm going to level up.

That way I don't get older I just get more powerful. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by tedwood in Other - Wordplay - Added: 47 minutes ago - Current Score: 3.2

1291713
The missus said to me, "Our marirage has come to an end".

I said, "Fuck off, only good things come to an end". 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by geebee in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 56 minutes ago - Current Score: 7.2

1291712
I hear Sarah Jessica Parker is getting more work done on her face...


or as some call it getting fitted with orthodics. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by thomasdouce in Celebrities - Sarah Jessica Parker - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.8

1291711
The speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second.

The speed of darkness is Usain Bolt. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Celebrities - Usain Bolt - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 5.8

1291710
Whenever someone comes to my salon asking for me to peroxide their hair, I always insist on having sex with them first.

I'm not prepared to run the risk of dyeing a virgin. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ray piste in Other - Stupid - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 5.8

1291708
Sheep Shearing..

The Welsh Brazilian wax. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Racism - Welsh - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 3

1291706
I checked my blackberry this morning and found it had "apps" on it: Aphids, Phylloxerans, Pyllids and Scales!
(All jumping plant lice - hence every keen amateur spring berry grower's nightmare!!) 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by rhythmisadancer in Other - Wordplay (+ 2 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -4.4

1291705
"Yeah I saw that film when it came out!"

Well...I didn't really expect you to see it whilst it was still in development you dickhead. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Hitler786 in TV - Film/Movie - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.2

1291704
My new boss said I should try to keep my nose clean and blend in with the rest of the staff.

Apparently, he didn't mean bring a box of tissues and come blacked up. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by stash in Racism - Black (+ 2 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2

1291703
Today I played Snooker with a friend but he was useless.

Wouldn't even let me put chalk on his head. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by MrDaniel in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 6

1291702
Perhaps Kenny Dalglish should just have a break from Football and join the Ku Klux Klan. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Wasteman95 in Other - ??? Random - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.6

1291701
Handcuffs on and screaming for mercy, I could not feel any remorse for the 'unruly' suspect I was taking in.

"My girlfriend would like an abortion please...?", I subtly said to the Clinic receptionist. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by sickipedia8 in Sex and shit - Abortion - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.4

1291700
Whenever I cook a rabbit my daughter says that I'm sick and refuses to eat dinner with the family.

It all stems from an unfortunate incident two years ago when I forgot to take the batteries out. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by ray piste in Sex and shit - Dildos - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 5

1291699
If I had a pound for every time I thought about my wife, I'd probably start thinking about her I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by frankland88 in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 4.2

1291698
I'm a hypercondriac and a Kleptomaniac.

I sit in the Doctors waiting room, stealing other peoples diseases. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Wolfie dsc in Crime - Theft (+ 2 more) - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 6

1291696
When I die I'm leaving the same amount of money to my kids to avoid favouritism.

Which will be fuck all. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Homeless Spider in Other - ??? Random - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 6.6

1291695
If porn is so bad then why are there so many nuns in them? I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by benb05 in Religion - Nuns - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 9.6

1291694
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound racing?

The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by chris732 in Celebrities - Michael Jackson - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 3.4

1291693
I've just heard Michael Carrick has retired from international Football.

About four years ago, as I recall 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Sports - Football - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 2

1291692
My grandad walked in on me wanking with a dildo up my arse today. He just stood there shaking his head...

He wasn't bothered about my antics one bit, he just has Parkinson's. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by bumblesquash in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 8

1291691
So Lady Gaga's now banned from Indonesia...

looks like her meat dress wasn't halal. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by diwore in Celebrities - Lady Gaga (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 2.6

1291689
Drink and drugs with the lads and on a proper bender.

"Having a night on the tiles".. As they say.

Fuck knows how I'm gonna get down in the morning. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by JohnBoy 69 the 2nd in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: -1.8

1291688
Andy Carroll hasn't done anything to disprove the theory that footballers are totally out of touch with ordinary people.

We work 48 weeks a year to get 4 weeks holiday. He's just worked for 4 weeks and gets 48 weeks holiday. 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by whufc_123 in Sports - Football - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: -2.4

1291686
While checking out Google Earth, I saw some punk breaking into my car

Unfortunately the picture was from 2008 		I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by BachiBawwlz in Other - Geography - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 9.6

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