Hottest Jokes Today

I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."

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If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
The niggers in Ferguson are rioting, looting and burning the town to protest against the way the police treat "law abiding citizens".

They don't help themselves do they?
When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,

Eventually asking me, "Where can he be?"

" Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots" I suggested

"That's a good idea" she replied

"And peas, onions and gravy" I added as I dished up stew for dinner.
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Random 5!

I'm a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life.

Then I thought to myself, I don't need to get a life, I'm a gamer so I have lots of lives.
I was sitting down chatting to a girl in the pub last night.

One thing led to another and before I knew it I was groping her tits.

She said, "Everybody is looking, do you want to go somewhere a little more private?"

I thought, "You kinky bitch" as I slipped two fingers into her fanny.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.

The librarian says, "Get the fuck out."

The man replies, "That's the one."
"Why has everything got to be a game with you?" My wife sighed.

"An excellent question love" I said, "but next time, please use the buzzer."
I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

Emile Heskey is shagging this whore.

She says to him, "Can you tell me when you're about to cum, Emile?"

Heskey replies, "No need to worry love, I can never finish in the box"
Apparently, Bob Geldof and friends are concerned that Africans don't know it's Christmas time.

So I'm going to send some Africans a nice picture of me eating my massive Christmas dinner, so they do know. I'm sure that Bob will appreciate the help.
just seen the verbal fight on i'm a celeb and i must say, good for Kendra. Its about time someone other than John Major gave Edwina Currie a mouthful.
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