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I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war.

I wonder if he was mowed down?
Was at the top of the Empire State building when I saw a very attactive girl, so I leaned in and whispered, "Baby I wanna make all your fantasies come true."

She turned to me and whispered back, "Awww that's so sweet. Try not to land on my car...."
The England Football Team have filed a lawsuit against a bloke who got into a bar fight. He was unofficially dressed as the England mascot.

They could tell he wasn't affiliated because he beat the shit out of his opponent.
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Random 5!

I think real stalkers would be insulted by people who call themselves "facebook stalkers."

Oooh, you click around on different profiles hoping to find tagged pictures of that cute babe you met in a club. You are so edgy and dangerous.

Try camping out in front of Cheryl Coles's house wearing a nappy and night vision goggles then maybe we'll talk.
I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating cunt.
Three whores are sitting at a bar.

The first one says, "I can get three fingers up my fanny." and gives the other two a demonstration.

The second one says, "that's nothing, I can get a whole fist in there." and duly obliges to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.
My wife asked me to put the car in the driveway for her.
Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit.
After I'd done it, she asked me, "How did you do that?"
I explained that there's a small mark on the wall and when that lines up with the left hand wing mirror I pull the steering wheel slightly to the right and it fits in fine.
"No," she said, "How did you make it go backwards?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
With a heat-wave forecast doctors are urging Muslims who are observing Ramadan to balance food and fluid intake between fasts and especially to drink enough water.

Pfft! What do doctors know eh? Put a few extra layers on and go for a 10-mile jog. Allah is proud of you!
I approached a police officer this morning to tell him I'd been robbed.

"What did he look like sir?"

"He was bald, about 6 foot tall and white"

Okay no problem sir, we'll take it from here.

"All units, we're looking for a bald male, 6 foot, possibly a black man in disguise".
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
Nigerian atheist 'ruled mentally ill'

Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up.

Fucking weirdo.
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
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Newest Jokes Today

A bloke walks into a library..

"Here you go love." He says to the librarian, "I've brought back your book on suicide."

"Aww, thank you." She replies. "You're an angel."

"Yeah, now."
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