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Hottest Jokes This Week

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
The papers are full of celebrities either killing themselves or being involved in ancient sex offences.

Thank god there are no wars or serious outbreaks of diseases they need to report on.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a cunt
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Newest Jokes Today

a cowboy rides into liverpool town center on a horse, he ties the horse to a lampost and goes into the pub for a beer. when he come's out an hour later, he finds the horse on bricks.
I was in a restaurant when this fat bitch of a waiter approached my table to take my order.

There was some struggle, but I managed to drag my sandwich away before she bit the whole thing.
I'm second-guessing my decision to nominate Leonardo DiCaprio next to take the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

His success rate at the part that comes after nominations is way too abysmal.
Police have warned that viewing, downloading or sharing the video of the apparent beheading of journalist James Foley may constitute an offence under British terrorism legislation.

So try not to watch any news bulletins or read any newspapers for a few days while the storm blows over.
Justice Secretary Chris Grayling's political future looks in doubt now after the full extent of overcrowding in prisons has been revealed. Because of this, David Cameron has set up a committee to advise U.K citizens how to avoid being put into overcrowded cells. Their full report is shown below:
'Don't go to prison.'
A utensil in the kitchen just asked me, "When I cook this chicken am I cooking just the body, or also it's soul?"

I thought, "That's a deep fat fryer".
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