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I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.
I went to a posh restaurant today where I was greeted by a black man. "May I take your coat, sir?" he asked.

How refreshing, I thought to myself...

A thief with manners.
Was watching a porno last night, with a girl dressed as Tinkerbell furiously strumming her gash.
There was fairy liquid everywhere.
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Random 5!

As I was walking through my local park, I saw a bloke touching up a little girl with one hand and wanking with his other. I was furious.

I raced over and kicked the fuck out of him and told him to piss off.

As he ran off, I shouted after him, "this is my patch, get your own fucking girls!"
My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said.

It's good to see the system's working.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.

I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.
I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."
Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

So Islamist militants have murdered 12 French journalists for publishing cartoons depicting followers of the Prophet Mohammed as bloodthirsty barbarians.

That's like raping 12 kids to prove you're not a paedophile.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.
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Newest Jokes Today

Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of Kim Sear's dictionary.
It just goes now from fuck to shit.
I had a terrible dream about me going to the fridge and it being empty. I woke up screaming and ran to the fridge. I felt a great relief when i opened it and my daughter was still in there.
I was telling this guy at work how my dad decided to go and fight ISIS, and how he died with his head held up high.

He said, "Wow! Was he that courageous?"

I said, "No, he was beheaded and hanged."
I cant believe my tenants were demonstrating outside City Hall today demanding rent controls.

Still, I've taken the opportunity to nip round and repaint the lounge, which should at least cheer them up when they get back.
What's Kim Kardashian's favourite university?
Coxford.
My best mate has told me he's moving to Towcester - I'm really going to miss seeing him.

It's okay though, he told me I can pop up anytime.
BBC News â UK Suicide Bombers go on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be
cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his HQ a shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves upâ.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not impact on their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway!
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like so they are reconsidering the true value of their benefit packages.
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