Hottest Jokes Today

The World-Famous Sickipedia Newsletter

Want to be kept up to date on the latest jokes, news and the rest of the shit that's happening on Sickipedia?

Join the newsletter now and get it all sent to your inbox!

My pain tolerance during sex is starting to get better.

It took years to get used to pepper spray.
Political correctness has gone mad. Apparently you can't even have an argument with your wife these days without getting in trouble. She promised me I could have a pint soon, but after standing with her for nearly an hour I was no closer to it happening. That's when I said, "Right, you, me and your fat arse are out of here". Everyone around us gasped like they'd never heard something like that before. I was just about to tell them to mind their own fucking business when a man butted in and said, "You may now kiss the bride".
At first I tentatively slipped one finger in, it felt amazingly soft. Feeling braver I slid in a second - it was even better than before. Soon there was no stopping me - I added a third, then a forth, then I thrust my whole fucking hand right in there!

I love my new set of gloves.
Click Here For More From Today

Random 5!

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived they asked me,
"Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about the burglar?"

"Well... It was rather dark." I replied.

The police officer says, "O.K. and how tall was It?"

I don't think he understood me very well..
Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Afterwards, Paddy says, "That was fucking great! I wonder how the girls got on."
Click Here For More Random Jokes

Hottest Jokes This Week

Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"

Hopefully he will get extra for the rape.
Click Here For More From This Week

Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
Click Here For More From This Month

Newest Jokes Today

"A large whiskey please." I said to the barman today.

"Hang on a minute, Dave." he replied, "You promised me last night that your lips will never touch another glass!"

"Correct." I said, "Pass me a fucking straw."
I went round to meet my girlfriends fearsome Scottish father,

"Come in son, would yae like to try a wee bit of the hard stuff? "

I thought 'he's not that bad',

"Yes sir, I would love to, " I replied.

So the cunt nutted me and broke my jaw.
I saw two lesbians making out in a park.

I walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that!"

"Is there?" they asked, bemused.

"Yes," I told them, "It's 7pm and my house."
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."
Click Here For More From Today