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Hottest Today (10 of 218)

The cannibal living next door to me caught and killed a clairvoyant.

He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare.

Joke by welsh_151 in Other - Food and Drink - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 67.8

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I got pissed last night and ended up at this birds house.

She was fantastic in bed, and insisted on anal.

Which I was pleased about. I found her 7 inch clitoris a bit off-putting.

Joke by stash in Sex and shit - Transsexualism - Added: 14 hours ago - Current Score: 59.6

After serving as co-pilots in Afghanistan, Dave & I became best friends, so I was distraught when I caught him sleeping with my wife.

We can't fly together anymore if his eyesight's that fucked.

Joke by Dog Botherer in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 11 hours ago - Current Score: 59.6

I hear that McDonald's has branches in Africa now.

The customers must prefer them to tables and chairs.

Joke by 8 ace in Racism - African - Added: 10 hours ago - Current Score: 59.2

Dozens of people have been killed by car and suicide bombs in Iraqi cities.

Another Sunni day ending in Shia madness.

Joke by midasmonkey in In The News - Headlines - Added: 12 hours ago - Current Score: 46.6

I pulled a fit blonde girl last night. As I pulled off my boxers she laughed and said "Oh my God, you have got to be kidding me! I've got to take a photo of this!"

It's a shame her friend called with an emergency as she seemed pretty impressed by me.

Joke by graeme130287 in Sex and shit - Penis - Added: 22 hours ago - Current Score: 44.2

I couldn't believe it when the social services took my children into care after my wife died, saying that I couldn't cope.

I never thought they would fall for it.

Joke by Nick Kay in Other - Children - Added: 11 hours ago - Current Score: 44.2

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Joke by GuiltyCookie in Politics - World - Added: 14 hours ago - Current Score: 39.2

After coming home from the pub drunk I looked at my girlfriend suggestively and said, "Sex?"

"Don't even think about it." she replied.

That's going to make my back up wank quite challenging.

Joke by ComedownWilly in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 22 hours ago - Current Score: 36.2

A massive tornado has hit Oklahoma killing over 90 people.

Americans are claiming that they should be allowed to carry their own tornadoes for protection.

Joke by TheAncient in In The News - Weather - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 22.6

More from this month.

Newest Today (30 of 218)

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The good thing to come out of the Oklahoma tornado disaster will be the look on the kids faces when they get to meet the Wizard of Oz.

Joke by HIV Penis in In The News - Guantanamo Bay - Added: 58 seconds ago - Current Score: 1

Chart news: The Beatles' hit single "Twist and Shout" has landed the no. 1 spot in Oklahoma.

Joke by borgbart in In The News - Natural Disasters - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

My job at the torch making factory is so boring I have decided to leave ..at last I have seen the light

Joke by as6video in Other - ??? Random - Added: 9 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

For her tenth anniversary, the wife wanted me to take her somewhere where she would be "swept off her feet".

It's chaos over here in Oklahoma right now.

Joke by Chinese nigger in In The News - ??? Other - Added: 12 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.8

In bed with the wife last night, it was like sleeping next to a fucking oven.

Massive, and covered in food stains.

Joke by worrying anal seepage in Illness and mortality - Obesity - Added: 13 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.8

I always like to embarrass my son by showing his new girlfriends naked baby photos.

Particularly as they're all of girls, and my son is an only child.

Joke by Be Jesus in Crime - Paedophilia - Added: 15 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.2

I participated in a bowling tournament against some Blackberry officials the other day.

I got so many pins.

Joke by Snikoggs in Other - Wordplay - Added: 16 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

80's band berlin are to perform a tribute song to angelina jolie

TAKE MY BREASTS AWAY

Joke by Welshmandan in Celebrities - Angelina Jolie - Added: 18 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.2

My wife phoned me today and said, "I've just had an accident on the motorway but it wasn't my fault. I pulled onto the M075 and some idiot on the wrong side of the road drove straight into me."

I replied, "There isn't a M075 motorway you stupid bitch. The sign on the road says SLOW and you're the fucking idiot on the wrong side of the road."

Joke by ClungeNudger in Sex and shit - Women (+ 1 more) - Added: 19 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

While at a party the other night, my wife gave me a funny look...

To be fair, its the only look she has.

Joke by lukeeduck in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 23 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

My sex life is like a supermarket cafe.

It may be hot, steamy & have lots of variations but in the end, it's always self-service.

Joke by Shady187 in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 26 minutes ago - Current Score: -1

I was listening to the radio, and they were telling about the woman's ideal measurements.

So, I measured my wife again, and came to the conclusion she has been living upside down for years...

Joke by grotesk in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 26 minutes ago - Current Score: 3

Although these footballers come out with strange names for their kids, when you think about it, they are actually quite relevant.

Brooklyn Beckham - named afterthe place he was conceived.

Luna Lampard - a spanish word meaning 'moon', because of her mothers spanish heritage.

Clay Rooney - named after what his dad is modelled out of.

Joke by r1ky08 which requires categorising - Added: 26 minutes ago - Current Score: 2.2

It looks like Tottenham are going to have to pay more for Bale than Pistorius!

Joke by billyb21 in Sports - Football (+ 1 more) - Added: 36 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.6

I am assuming that David Beckham's will now abandon the idea of calling his new MLS franchise the Oklahoma Tornados

Joke by Cobraweb in Celebrities - David Beckham - Added: 38 minutes ago - Current Score: -1

My wife woke up this morning and said "Oh I'm sorry sorry darling, I completely forgot it was our aniversary and I haven't got you a card or present yet."

"Oh... no worries" I replied. "I've just got to pop to Tesco to get some milk, then when I'm back you can open yours and apoligise proprerly to me."

Joke by graeme130287 in Events - Anniversary - Added: 42 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.2

My cousin from Oklahoma has emailed me to let me know that he and his family escaped unharmed during yesterday's tornado and how he prevented his 18 wheeler,big rig truck, from being blown away by getting his wife to sit in it.

Joke by widowwarmer in In The News - ??? Other - Added: 56 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.6

I won a competition to appear in a professional porno movie.

The director and the actresses didn't seem to impressed with me, but I was told they could improve it in editing.

They added a laughter track.

Joke by Secret Site Agent in Other - ??? Random - Added: 57 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.6

one more push and its out ' i said to the mrs as i watched her get our piano out the house.

Joke by flaggon in Sex and shit - Marriage - Added: 59 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

I tried to buy a magazine off the top shelf at the newsagents today. But I couldn't reach it because of the Repetitive Strain Injury in my right elbow.

Joke by Chancemyarm in Illness and mortality - Self Harming (+ 1 more) - Added: 59 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.2

McDonalds has opened in Africa.

They don't serve food, but they're great for recruiting soldiers.

Joke by jeizus in Crime - Human Trafficking - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.2

As Venezuelan toilet toilet paper shortages reach critical levels, locals are said to be shitting themselves.

Joke by Mr Stu Pidtwat in In The News - ??? Other - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.4

I knew right from the start that my little trip to Normandy would end horribly.

I was on the road to Rouen.

Joke by sam23 in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 4.4

So Wayne and Coleen have announced the birth of their new baby boy

I reckon he's a sure fire target for bullies with his name tho..

Rooney!!

Joke by scottyc79 in Celebrities - Coleen Rooney - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.2

Dozens of people are missing in Oklahoma after the twister.

Of course they are, they're in the merry old land of Oz.

Joke by Stuart Torrance in In The News - Weather - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.6

A massive tornado has hit Oklahoma killing over 90 people.

Americans are claiming that they should be allowed to carry their own tornadoes for protection.

Joke by TheAncient in In The News - Weather - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 22.6

A top Conservative has labelled half the party as "swivel-eyed loons".

Pretty rich, coming from someone called Feldman.

Joke by scotty528 in In The News - Political News - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.4

Oklahomeless.

Joke by Hugh Jerection in In The News - Headlines - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 7.2

The Rooney's new baby will apparently be called "Clay".

Wayne had wanted "Playdough" but couldn't spell it.

Joke by wroughtironron in In The News - Sports Headlines - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 6.6

I've found a cure for my wifes snoring.

I always make her go on top.

Joke by Whiteley88 in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.4