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Hot jokes today (30 of 320)
People keep telling me my beard makes me look like an axe murderer.

I tell them it's a magic beard which disappears when you look away.

That usually buys me enough time to reach for my axe.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by furiousg, in Illness and mortality > Murder - Tagged axe murder , explosm , cyanide and happiness  - Current Score: 484 - Added: 19 hours ago

Right that's it! No-one is allowed to be Real Madrid on Football Manager next year!I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by mdavebailey, in Jokes with no home > Football - Tagged football , computer games , xbox 360 , real madrid , now to football manager   - Current Score: 341 - Added: 17 hours ago

I just heard in the news "RAF Tornado crashes on hillside"

This is what happens when you have a shit advertising slogan like,"you don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF"

Well apparently you fucking should be.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by spec123, in Celebrity and news events > Adverts - Tagged tornado , raf  - Current Score: 316 - Added: 12 hours ago

An epileptic had a fit down the supermarket this morning and he pissed himself.

He wasn't the only one.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Illness and mortality > Epilepsy - Tagged epilepsy , piss , epileptic , supermarket , laugh  - Current Score: 269 - Added: 17 hours ago

Women's football would be a lot more popular if they renamed it "22 girls 1 cup"I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by storyteller, in Sex and shit > 2 Girls 1 Cup - Tagged 2 girls 1 cup , sick porn clip  - Current Score: 260 - Added: 12 hours ago

I've just read that Gay sex has been decriminalised in India - and previously it had carried a 10 year prison sentence.

Do they seriously consider prison a punishment for somebody who loves being fucked in the arse?		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by munich58, in Sex and shit > Gay - Tagged queer , prison , faggot , india , bummers , dirty bastards  - Current Score: 205 - Added: 19 hours ago

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with e-Bay.
He claims the Wii game boy he received isn't what he was expecting.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by raycyst, in Sex and shit > Pedophilia - Tagged paedo , ebay , dispute  - Current Score: 163 - Added: 13 hours ago

Drinking with a speech impediment?
It's whiskey business.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Andblah, in Jokes with no home > Drink - Tagged drinking , word play  - Current Score: 157 - Added: 15 hours ago

The Facts of Life:

Anything you do for your girlfriend that makes other women go, "awwww" will have every man in the room thinking, "What a cunt."		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by NapalmRoger, in Jokes with no home > Facts Of Life - Tagged facts of life , men and women  - Current Score: 130 - Added: 9 hours ago

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just jogged around the park and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed and asked the other man what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat plenty of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina, especially with the ladies, if you know what I mean?"
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I'll take 5 loaves please."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard."
He replied, "Jesus. I can't believe every fucker knows about this shit but me."		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by f4780y, in Sex and shit > Old - Tagged old man , bakery , rye bread  - Current Score: 128 - Added: 16 hours ago

I'm an Indonesian five-year-old and I made your PC.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Jamster, in Jokes with no home > PC Jokes - Tagged pc , child labour , indonesian  - Current Score: 122 - Added: 12 hours ago

There should be a law against ugly women...
... Oh wait there is, Sharia Law...		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by sisterfister, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged twats , sharia law , muslims , that is the correct spelling you yank , ugly birds  - Current Score: 120 - Added: 20 hours ago

Isn't it amazing how technological advances have made a difference to our lives?

My car's sat nav tells me how to get to any destination and helps avoid traffic.
My mobile phone tells me if I have received an email and even updates me to world news within seconds.
My Wii Fit tells me if I need to lose a few pounds.
And my microwave oven tells me to kill prostitutes.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by the brutal truth, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged murder , prostitutes , technology  - Current Score: 114 - Added: 12 hours ago

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Noone knows, whenever the lights goes out they just rob your shit and jump out of the window		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ThePhoenix, in Religion and racism > Black - Tagged black , change a lightbulb  - Current Score: 106 - Added: 16 hours ago

Yesterday, I came home early from work and found my wife cheating

The lazy bitch has hired a cleaner.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by storyteller, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged wife , cheating , cooking , cleaning , infidelity , cheater , domestic , cleaner , womens rights , domestos  - Current Score: 105 - Added: 10 hours ago

You know you go on too much porn when you begin gaining a fetish for bufferingI like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by The Benjmeister, in Sex and shit > Pornography - Tagged porn , probably going to be voted down , buffering sucks dick  - Current Score: 87 - Added: 10 hours ago

I'm not saying it's hot but I just saw a Goth taking his coat off.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by prettyfly86, in Jokes with no home > Goth - Tagged heat , goth  - Current Score: 85 - Added: 10 hours ago

ReigatePen wrote:

"I see that minority groups are saying they want to see black people featuring on British bank notes.

Why the hell should we? We've already got a fucking German on them!"

Maybe we can meet them halfway and put some monkeys on alongside Darwin.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by grammer_natzee, in Religion and racism > Nigger - Tagged black , nigger , monkey , money , evolution , darwin , charles darwin  - Current Score: 83 - Added: 14 hours ago

Someone at work today was shocked to find that I'd never shagged a fat girl.

Then I explained to him about the healthy eating campaign in primary schools		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by pep, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged shag , pedo , healthy , fat girl , kiddie fiddler , schools  - Current Score: 80 - Added: 11 hours ago

My wife's not the woman I married a year ago...

Luckily they've never met.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Aspen, in Jokes with no home > Polygamy - Tagged wife , polygamy  - Current Score: 70 - Added: 14 hours ago

I'm a Sickipedian and i hope the police don't find my PCI like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by schem17, in Jokes with no home > PC Jokes - Tagged wanker , plastic , pedo , pc , kiddie fiddler , sick jokes , sickcunt , michael jackson dead  - Current Score: 70 - Added: 5 hours ago

If sperms really good for the skin, why has my daughter still got eczema?I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Kash, in Sex and shit > Child Abuse - Tagged daughter , sperm , learn to spell you spastic  - Current Score: 67 - Added: 17 hours ago

Jade Goody went from being a racist, loudmouthed whore to being a kind, caring woman who helped raise cancer awareness.
Michael Jackson went from being a plastic surgery addicted kiddy fiddler to being the man who did more than anyone for music.
Death is going to do wonders for Josef Friztl's reputation...		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by angus, in Celebrity and news events > Josef Fritzl - Tagged michael jackson , jade goody , josef fritzl  - Current Score: 66 - Added: 11 hours ago

I entered an erection contest... only got through to the semis.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Griff, in Sex and shit > Erections - Tagged erection , semi  - Current Score: 63 - Added: 5 hours ago

My Chinese girlfriend said "You shit in bed"... so I did.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by birkeneder999, in Sex and shit > Shit - Tagged chinky  - Current Score: 62 - Added: 18 hours ago

Dizzee Rascal I don’t think you are Bonkers, I think you are a cunt, and the only reason you are free is because some idiots abolished slavery in the 1800, now back to the field with you.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by wallywally, in Religion and racism > Black - Tagged idiot  - Current Score: 51 - Added: 13 hours ago

I went to the red light district yesterday and found a prostitute.

She said, "You have to pay up front."

I said, "No problem, I'll take you from behind then."		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged prostitute  - Current Score: 49 - Added: 15 hours ago

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.

Male Drinks

He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by fuckwit09, in Jokes with no home > Drink - Tagged drink  - Current Score: 38 - Added: 5 hours ago

I heard P Diddy the other day saying, "Michael Jackson's death is one of those historic moments where people will be asking for years to come, 'where were you when you heard about it?'"

Judging by the latency that night, I would say the most common answer will be "Sickipedia."		I like this! This is poor. Edit this

What if the Hokey Cokey really is what it's all about?I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Jake Hurley, in Jokes with no home > Random - Tagged hokey cokey , play on words  - Current Score: 32 - Added: 12 hours ago

Browse Today Browse All Jokes
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Newest jokes (30 of 42422)
Michael Jackson's body's gonna lie in state with his arse in the air, so his playmates will recognise himI like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by funnybone, in Celebrity and news events > Michael Jackson - Tagged michael jackson , funeral , lying in state  - Current Score: 1 - Added: 13 seconds ago

Les Maddock, the Wimbledon chief umpire has announced that, for the 4th year in recent history,
there will be no need to lock the ladies' changing room during the women's singles final.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by hussar, in Celebrity and news events > Williams Sisters - Tagged black , thieves , williams sisters  - Current Score: 1 - Added: 7 minutes ago

Son comes home 1 night and tells his father he has just had sex for the first time. Father is proud of his son and gives him a pat on the back and says well done.. your now man..!

Son says.. thanks dad, just one question..

Yeah go on says the dad...

Son replies.. how long will my ass hurt?		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by lolwass, in Sex and shit > Gay - Tagged lol gay son father wtf ass  - Current Score: 1 - Added: 9 minutes ago

''Hope I die before I get old,'' so the classic Who song goes.

Pete Townshend needed two chords to make his statement on teenage angst.

The Bridgend suicide victims only needed one.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by FIDDLERBOY, in Celebrity and news events > Bridgend - Tagged teen , sick joke , bridgend , suicides , pete townshend , die young , who song  - Current Score: 1 - Added: 21 minutes ago

I came. I saw. I conked her.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by scawy, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex and shit  - Current Score: -4 - Added: 1 hour ago

I was in court the other day and thought I would get away without any hassle

Turns out that saying "I'm just a child appreciator" doesn't impress the jury.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by sadisticleprechaun, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged paedophile , judge , court , jury  - Current Score: -1 - Added: 1 hour ago

I once got stalked by an ex. girlfriend. She was an agoraphobic.

Every time I walked past her house I just knew she was in there, watching me.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by FIDDLERBOY, in Illness and mortality > Agrophobia - Tagged stalker , agoraphobic  - Current Score: 3 - Added: 1 hour ago

Metal__Health got buried to -6. Reveal Joke

In the Islamic religion, when a martyr dies and goes to heaven he is said to have 72 virgins awaiting him.

Candlelight Vigils, tribute songs, worldwide recognition of his death, sounds like a martyr to me.

Michael sure is going to be pissed when he realizes they are all women.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by tony1304, in Celebrity and news events > Michael Jackson - Tagged islam  - Current Score: 1 - Added: 1 hour ago

A paki is walking down the road when out of nowhere a dog walks up and shits on his foot but he doesn't have time to clean it off so keeps on walking. Further down the road another dog walks up to him and shits on his other foot. Thinking it's going to be a bad day he hurries to the bus stop just as a bus pulls up and the doors swing open. The bus driver looks at him and says - "that's £1 for you and 50p for your children"I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by kungfu_monkey, in Jokes with no home > Racism - Tagged shit , dogs , paki , bus , bus driver  - Current Score: -2 - Added: 1 hour ago

Whats the difference between niggers and whites?

Evolution		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by qazwsxer, in Religion and racism > Nigger - Tagged black , nigger , evolution  - Current Score: -4 - Added: 2 hours ago

Andblah got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it is not financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by mister_riz, in Jokes with no home > Anti Joke - Tagged anti joke  - Current Score: 16 - Added: 2 hours ago

bastynastard got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

Quote from the BBC News website:

Strathclyde Police say they will not tolerate "sectarian behaviour" at the annual Orange Order parade in Glasgow this weekend.

Is it just me, or is that a bit like saying, "Gay Pride rally this Saturday. All welcome. P.S. no poofters."		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace, in Religion and racism > Sectarianism - Tagged catholic , protestant , sectarianism , orange order , bigotry , oill bamb yer hice  - Current Score: 4 - Added: 2 hours ago

ty897 got buried to -8. Reveal Joke

Just watched Lady Ga Ga at Glasto on sky + , my mrs claimed she's a man.

Well if she is and that camel toe is anything to go on she's got a very small cock with a very big jap eye		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by mrapex, in Celebrity and news events > Lady Gaga - Tagged cock , japs eye , lady gaga  - Current Score: -1 - Added: 2 hours ago

twattychap got buried to -7. Reveal Joke

sarcygit got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

DeanLegend got buried to -7. Reveal Joke

mrtippet got buried to -8. Reveal Joke

My wifes carrying my first child.

Don't be happy for me, he's 9 the lazy little fucker.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by raawwwrrr, in Jokes with no home > Kids - Tagged wife , child , lazy , fucker , lee mack , carrying  - Current Score: -4 - Added: 2 hours ago

You are, on average, in the UK, never more than 25 miles away from an agoraphobic.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by FIDDLERBOY, in Illness and mortality > Agrophobia - Tagged agoraphobia  - Current Score: -2 - Added: 2 hours ago

What the second best thing appart from a gold medal after the special olympics?

ICE CREAMM!!!!		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Dewane, in Jokes with no home > Disabled - Tagged food , olympics , vegetable , special , downie , burgers , reatrd  - Current Score: 3 - Added: 2 hours ago

goonerphil got buried to -6. Reveal Joke

nobscratcher got buried to -6. Reveal Joke

With all this warm weather we've been having i've been having trouble sleeping at night, so i decided to order a bedside fan off of the internet.

Hasn't helped one bit, the minute i finally get to sleep all he does is wake me up again by cheering and applauding me.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by unkieali, in Jokes with no home > Weather - Tagged fan , bed , sleep , weather , summer  - Current Score: 3 - Added: 3 hours ago

So gay sex has been decriminalised in India?

As if their arses weren't sore enough from all the curry.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by barf fly, in Celebrity and news events > Indian Boy Speared - Tagged indians , curry , poofs  - Current Score: -2 - Added: 3 hours ago

embryoporno got buried to -7. Reveal Joke

Angelito got buried to -8. Reveal Joke

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