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Just been banned from my church's Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
Christians have Good Friday where they remember Jesus dying to forgive us of our sins.
Hindus have Rama Navami to celebrate the birth of Lord Rama.
Buddhists have Asalha Puja Day to commemorate Buddha's first teachings.
Sikh have Phalia Prakash Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji in honour of the last human Guru.
And, of course, Muslims have Squeaky Wednesday, when Muhammad fucked a nine-year-old.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.
During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable.

But a couple of beer mats have done the trick.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink," I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt," I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "That's my beer you're drinking."
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Newest Jokes Today

"Not tonight love, it's Good Friday so I've got to abstain from meat." said my wife.

"Open your legs anyway, I'm allowed to eat fish." I replied.
So it's the 50th anniversary of the first Rolling Stones album.

They celebrated by partying late into the afternoon
Jesus: so I ask the world not to eat meat on Good Friday.

And the Irish close the pubs instead of the butchers
My mate calls knickers "Ginsters"

I asked him why and he said its because they're both full of lips and arseholes
My mum doesn't like me reading books by Stephen King, so she ripped up my copy of 'Christine', and threw it in the bin.

But it was back on my bedside table this morning, in pristine condition.
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