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Local Islamic leaders have come forward to condemn Adam Johnson for alleged sexual activity with a 15 year-old girl.

"The Koran teaches us to respect our elderly women. This undignified act has brought shame on her husbands and grandchildren".
As a Liverpool fan, I can't work out whether I love Mario Balotelli or hate him. I guess you could say he's a bit like marmite...

He's black and he can't play football.
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Random 5!

I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the 'tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows.

'In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'

No-one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

My mistress resist pleasuring me with oral sex because she has a hard time suppressing her gag reflex.I fully understand .I have the same problem whenever I see my wife stepping out of the shower naked.
What's the difference between a jew & a pig?

Pigs have some standards. They'll eat anything, except a jew.
Adam Johnson will miss the away fixture at Hull this weekend after being arrested for sleeping with a minor.

Jermaine Defoe is considering raping a granny so he doesn't have to go to that shit hole either.
South Africa have beaten Ireland by a massive 201 runs in their Cricket World Cup pool clash.In his post match interview,South African captain AB de Villiers said,

"It didn't have to be such a thrashing,but as long as Bono refuses to quit singing,expect much,much worse in future."
If elected, Ed Miliband has promised to reduce student fees. 'I was lucky enough to go to a paid school' he said, 'and I want the same kind of excellent education to be available to 80% of youngsters - with only the other 30% going to state schools.'
I was surprised to learn that, depending on who you kill there's different types of murder. For instance:

Kill your mother: Matricide
Kill your father: Patricide
Kill your kids: Infanticide
Kill your Sister: Sororicide
Kill your wife or mother in law: Justifiable Homicide!

Weird or what!?!
Has anyone noticed that all the houses searched by police during murder investigations seem to have one thing in common?

A really cheap, tacky looking conservatory.
I said to my son, "Where are you going?"

He said, "To the pub for a few then onto a club."

I said, "When I was nineteen I wasn't allowed to go to pubs or clubs."

He said, "Were the drinkink laws different back then?"

I said, "No, I was fucking married to your mother."
"Right" said the boss of the garage I was applying to be a mechanic, "let's see how much knowledge you have", pointing at a car.

After a look under the bonnet, I took a deep intake of breath and shook my head.

"Brilliant" he said. "When can you start?"
Aston Martin are now going to make cars with women in mind.

That's funny, men who buy Aston Martin's buy them for exactly the same reason.
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