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There I was, listening to the guided audio tour when I smelt something funny.

"Can you smell Gas?" I asked my friend. Of course, because I had headphones in I may have said it a little loud.

And that was how my Auschwitz tour ended.
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"If it wasn't for our soldiers, you Brits would be speaking German," said my American mate.

""If it wasn't for your teachers, you Yanks would be speaking English," I replied.
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The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
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Newest Jokes Today

You should have seen how the colour of my tailor's face changed to red when she accidentally touched my balls.

It was a metabolic reaction.
Roy Keane's new year's resolution was to stop fuckin moaning but he found it was like trying to hold in a fart when you're taking a piss.
Ashamed and humiliated, I finally plucked up the courage to admit to the wife that I'd had to sign on.

"Oh dear," she said. "The dole?"

"No," I said. "With Manchester United."
A London mother has been charged with the murder of her three children, all of whom had a genetic disorder.

George Osborne has already called for clemency on the grounds that she has saved British taxpayers thousands of pounds.

Do you want a partner who will:

1. ALWAYS be happy to see you.
2. Follow you around the house serving you when you want them to but stay in their place when your at the pub.
3. NOT spend all your money
4. Not moan if you bring others into the relationship.
5. Be easy to turn on... even with just one finger ;)
6. Be replaceable when worn out and suck your cock on demand.

Then head over to Homebase - The big Henry sale starts today.
On my arrival at Heathrow I saw a smart man in a hat and told him I was interested in flying information.

He said he'd call some of the other pilots to see whether they could take me to Magaluf in a V shape.
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