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Hottest Today (10 of 465)
 

1215689
I have a brilliant idea on how we can avoid panic and prepare for future snowy weather, let's give this time of year a name that will remind us that cold and snowy weather is a high possibility.

I suggest we call this period, "winter", who's in?
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Joke by McBaldy in In The News - Weather - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 228.6

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1215765
"I only drink on special occasions"

"What was the occasion?"

"I was sober"
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Joke submitted by stuart3455, originally by Ed Byrne in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 154.4

1215646
Last night I saw my elderly neighbour slowly walking up the road.

"Make sure you're careful" I shouted from my window, "I've already seen 2 people regret leaving their house this evening, it's dangerous."

"I'll be fine" she replied, "It's only a bit of snow."

"Snow?" I said, "I'm talking about the blacks."
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Joke by mg1 in Racism - Black - Added: 22 hours ago - Current Score: 137.4

1215672
I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It's all been Dunhill from there.
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Joke by 8 ace in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 132.2

1215811
Losing my virginity was a lot like learning to ride a bike.

My Dad was behind me all the way.
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Joke by zobbertron in Sex and shit - Rape - Added: 18 hours ago - Current Score: 124.2

1215911
Jordan to swim The Thames for charity.

Reporter, "But what about all the diseases?".

"Yeah, but it's for charity innit?" Said The Thames.
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Joke by VYCENESS3 in Celebrities - Jordan/Katie Price - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 101.2

1215769
Just put £100 on my 3 to go down:

Wigan, John Terry and Harry Redknapp.
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Joke by L-U-H-G in Sports - Football (+ 2 more) - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 94.2

1215891
My local gym have an offer on at the moment. Pay for a one-to-one with a fitness instructor and get a free protein drink.

Well I'm not falling for that one again.
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Joke by jamesdonlan in Sports - Weightlifting - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 90.6

1215591
My daughter was feeling a bit ill last night, so I got her some nice hot chocolate to make her feel better,

"What's this shit dad?" she said, turning the CD player off...
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Joke by The crossbow cannibal in Other - Wordplay - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 89.6

1215757
I ended up stranded because of the snow last night. It was an absolute nightmare.

I couldn't get to the pub, and had to stay in with my wife, all fucking night.
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Joke by stash in Sex and shit - Wife (+ 1 more) - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 60

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Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
1212642
John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

Just like his hero did.
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Joke by Manic1 in Sports - Football - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 925.4

1210995
As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. "Are you fucking your own daughter?" he asked.

"Erm... No..." I said, looking very sheepish. "Is it wrong for a father to blow a kiss to his daughter?"

"No," he replied. "But it's wrong for her to catch that kiss and then rub it on her minge."
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Joke by Biscuit777 in Sex and shit - Incest - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 620.6

1213421
What sort of person would go out for the evening leaving a young girl at home alone?

And whereabouts would they live?
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Joke by Fubar in Sex and shit - Paedophile - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 541

1211525
What do you call the phobia of black people?

Common sense.
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Joke by SarcasticApplause in Racism - Black - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 529

1212679
I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on [...]

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Joke by mg1 in Other - ??? Random - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 507.8

1215065
After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.
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Joke by mg1 in In The News - Weather (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 458

1214208
John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black cunt must've stolen it."
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Joke by Biscuit777 in Sports - Football - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 388

1213306
My girlfriend called me last night.

"I'm just sitting here watching soaps, I've got my face mask on, my hair in rollers and I'm painting my nails."

She said, "I swear you're gay."
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Joke by mg1 in Sex and shit - Gay - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 332.2

1214956
The good thing about Hollyoaks is you can miss a few episodes and, the next time you watch it, you're still a cunt. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by TheFoss, originally by twitter.com/#!/amateuradam in TV - Drama - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 325.2

1211165
My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.
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Joke by stallion sd in Illness and mortality - Smoking - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 314.2

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Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
1206378
Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.
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Joke by DohertysDealer in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 1,829.4

1198408
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
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Joke by lukeyflukey in Sex and shit - Premature Ejaculation - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,182.8

1200730
"So, how's life in North Korea?"

"Well, I can't complain."
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Joke by baconwannabe1243 in In The News - North Korea - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,121.2

1199221
My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Sasquatch72 in Sex and shit - Sexual Favours - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,098.8

1201280
How school works:

In class: 2+2=4.

Homework: 2+4+2=8.

Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
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Joke submitted by janabimustafa, originally by funnyjunk.com/antaurr in Other - School - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1,015.6

1200806
*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'
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Joke by TilakGrey in Other - Superstitions - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 960.6

1212642
John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

Just like his hero did.
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Joke by Manic1 in Sports - Football - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 925.4

1205299
Virgin Broadband

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.
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Joke by rogerthecabinboy in Other - Video Games - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 918.2

1198819
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
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Joke by pussyjuice in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 898.8

1201159
My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa looking miserable.

"Cheer up," I said.

"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."

"You're fab," I said.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're mine," I said.

"I know silly!" she chuckled.

"I love you," I said.

"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely [...]

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Joke by Fuckdat in Sex and shit - Marriage - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 842.2

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1216479
I watched that 127 Hours the other night and fell asleep 20 minutes in. When I woke up just before the end I thought "Fuck me, that was a long sleep." I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Spicyweiner76 in TV - Film/Movie - Added: 44 seconds ago - Current Score: 1

1216478
I went to the doctors the other day complaining of bad posture and the doctor gave me some special shoes to sort the problem out.
The next day i was at the pub and I was telling my mate dave about my new orthodontic shoes. He said
"don't you mean orthopedic shoes?"
I said "oh, i stand corrected"
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Joke by Kinsemination which requires categorising - Added: 6 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.2

1216477
I've seen signs that prove women should be banned from driving in snowy conditions.

A couple were bent and there was a few knocked down completely.
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Joke by Fuckdat in Sex and shit - Women - Added: 8 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

1216476
I spent all night tossing and turning.

That's the downside when you have a bent nob
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Joke by Blue Rabbit in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 9 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1216475
I've just been on an etiquette course run by Aerosmith.

They told me to walk this way, talk this way.
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Joke by ali3nat0r in Other - Wordplay - Added: 10 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

1216474
I once fucked a bird so posh that she gave me Lobsters. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by zobbertron in Sex and shit - STD - Added: 13 minutes ago - Current Score: 3.8

1216473
When I woke this morning, my American pet lizard punched me in the face.

Right from the gecko.
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Joke by Admiral Anus in Other - Wordplay - Added: 14 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.2

1216472
A German was stopped by an French Immigration Officer and asked some questions
Age?
30
Sex?
Male
Occupation?
No, just visiting.
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Joke by clintthedestroyer which requires categorising - Added: 15 minutes ago - Current Score: 4.2

1216471
Don't get me Wong, I don't hate Chinese people. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Joseph Morris in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 16 minutes ago - Current Score: -3.6

1216469
I saw my mate in the pub on Sunday night. 'That was some little looker you pulled last night, mate.' I said, 'Did you get any action?' 'Oh yes, eventually.' he said slowly. 'She was fucking tight!'. 'Well that's good isn't it?' I asked. 'Not when you have to grab her cunt-flaps and pull her on like an old boot...' I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by sillybugger in Sex and shit - Vagina - Added: 37 minutes ago - Current Score: -3.2

1216467
John Terry has admitted to a Sun reporter, that the thought of Rio Ferdinand taking the England captain's armband gives him horrible flashbacks. "You mean to the events of 2010"? asked the reporter. "No" he replied. "The events of 1990, when I was only 10" "I got a new pushbike for Christmas, & I have flashbacks about the last time I saw it".

"Some black cunt was riding off down the road on it"
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Joke by Cryogenic in Sports - Football - Added: 40 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.2

1216466
I was in the park earlier, shouting out "Over here Chocolate, come on Blackie"
A passer by stopped and asked if I'd lost my dogs,

I said "No, I'm calling to those 2 niggers over there"
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Joke by warlock_151 in Racism - Black - Added: 41 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.4

1216463
John Terry rushed to training this morning after finding out they would be evaluating a video of Fernando Torres' misses. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by thedam11 in Sports - Football - Added: 51 minutes ago - Current Score: 4.2

1216462
Me and my mates were having a discussion about older women, and who we thought were fit for their ages. When it was my turn, I said to Dave "I always thought your mum was a bit of a MILF, until very recently".
"Oh yeah?", replied Dave, laughing. "So why is she not a MILF anymore then, eh?"

"Because I fucked her last night" I said.
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Joke by tomflynn1974 in Sex and shit - MILF - Added: 51 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1216461
I went to a clairvoyant and they said, "Your wife is watching over you, ...she is proud of you, ...and she says she loves you so, so much."

"Are you sure?" I replied, "I was expecting her to be furious about me spunking into her urn."
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Joke by Jimmythetwat in Other - ??? Random - Added: 57 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.2

1216460
When I heard that Madonna was 'at the superbowl', I thought she'd been masturbating again. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by city hobgoblin in Celebrities - Madonna - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.4

1216459
In a fit of rage, I smashed my expensive acoustic guitar against the wall. A sliver of wood shot off the wall and stuck in my wife's eye.

Clutching at her face she yelled,  "Call for an emergency."
"I'm on to it," I said dialling 999 as quick as I could.

"Hello, Which service?"

"The nearest guitar repair shop please."
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Joke by Tarquin Powers in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.2

1216458
My wife woke up to 3 inches this morning.......

Not snow, I've just got a small cock!
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Joke by Combat Marshmellow in Sex and shit - Size - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.4

1216457
Whenever you feel like your life sucks, just remember it's not all that bad, you could be African, or worse, American.. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by R0bd0g in Racism - American - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.2

1216456
I was on the shitter last night when the wife walked in and said,"Oh my god,they just showed some eighty year old's anal warts on Embarrassing bodies."

I went,"That's fucking disgusting..Can't you see I'm eating my dinner."
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Joke by irbaboon in Sex and shit - Shit - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.6

1216454
It's funny how when people wake up with no recollection of the night before, they think they've been abducted by aliens and analy probed.

That's the best side effect of rohypnol.
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Joke by qwerty915 in Sex and shit - Rohypnol - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.8

1216452
My girlfriend went mad when she found me in one of her dresses and she stormed to the front door.

'Please don't go,' I pleaded. 'I can change!'
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Joke by TilakGrey in Other - Wordplay - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 3.2

1216451
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "which one?" I replied "James Junior, or the girl one?" I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by 7billion in Other - Children (+ 2 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 4

1216450
R.I.P. BTJunkie.

2005 -2012

I'm going to miss you sucking my cock in the phonebox.
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Joke by CarrotAndTwigs in Other - Computers/Technology - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -0.6

1216449
A chav's idea of a romantic night out.

Candlelight donner.
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Joke by geebee in Racism - Chav - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0.6

1216448
"You're a good-looking, intelligent and wealthy man. Why have you never got married?"

"You just told me why."
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Joke by Shirley Knott in Sex and shit - Marriage - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 4.4

1216446
The worst thing about attending Catholic school was the constant praying.

"Dear God, please unlock the confession box door. Father Michael's almost finished taking mass and I don't like the taste of 'Holy Water'. Amen."
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Joke by alexxxx in Religion - Priest - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -0.8

1216445
As I thought about how giving up on everything has affected my life, I thought...

"fuck this" and had a wank.
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Joke by Joseph Morris in Sex and shit - Masturbation - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.8

1216444
I was sure my sister was going to pleased with the entertainment I'd booked for her 40th birthday, however when a guy turned up at the venue selling kebabs on the car park I knew there had been a big misunderstanding.

But none of us went hungry, thanks to "Jasons' donner van"
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Joke by puncho in Other - Wordplay (+ 2 more) - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 2.6

1216442
Why wife recently complained 'she doesn't get out enough'.

Well you wouldn't, not trapped in that basement.
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Joke by JamesOHands in Sex and shit - Wife (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: -3.8


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