Hottest Jokes Today

The World-Famous Sickipedia Newsletter

Want to be kept up to date on the latest jokes, news and the rest of the shit that's happening on Sickipedia?

Join the newsletter now and get it all sent to your inbox!

"Are you ok granddad? You look terrified every time I knock on your door. "

"Oh Jack, you'll never know what it's like living in fear of your past, just waiting for the knock on the door, and then you're finished. "

"Gosh granddad, I never knew, were you a spy or a hit man or something? "

"No Jack, much worse than that, I was a pop star in the 1970s. "
Click Here For More From Today

Random 5!

Man A: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Man B: "It's a girl. She's my daughter"
Man A: "Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father"
Man B: " I'm not. I'm her mother"
After years of wondering and wasted research money, I myself have finally come up with the conclusion as to why females exist...

They are life support systems for vaginas.
My wife has just given birth for the first time.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own.
A Jewish man asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”

“I don’t know,” answered the Rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I’ll ask advice from God.”

The man comes back the next day.

“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”
Click Here For More Random Jokes

Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
Click Here For More From This Week

Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
Click Here For More From This Month

Newest Jokes Today

I pulled out of my slag girlfriend's mouth after a cracking blow job and the spunk was running down the shaft of my cock and dripping off my balls.

"Fucking HELL!! That was awesome. Baby, you're the best." I gasped. "But I thought you were going to swallow my jizz?"

"I did, honey." She replied. "That's Tony's."
Just read that Pat Butcher (Pam St. Clement), Cindy Beale (Michelle Collins), Kathy Mitchell (Gillian Taylforth) and recently murdered Lucy Beale (Hetti Bywater) will all re-emerge from beyond the grave to haunt Ian Beale in a spooky Children in Need Special.

Fuck me: all it would have taken was Pat Butcher.
TV > Soap
The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.
The new U2 album is being searched for a lot on Google.

Mainly "How do uninstall the new U2 album from my iPhone?"
I was watching some fashion programme with the wife last night..

"Oo look, isn't that lovely?" She said, scowling at me while unwrapping her fifth mini-snickers. "But I'll never own anything tailor made because YOU won't get a bloody job."

"Oh come on love, you know that's not true." I replied. "It's because YOU won't get a fucking tape measure round you."
Click Here For More From Today