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Hi is that American Express? The company that promises to find me an English speaking Doctor in an emergency.

Yes sir that's us how can we help.

Well I've had an accident but I'm struggling to communicate, nobody understands me.

Ok sir, please tell where you are.

Right, I'm in Queen Elizabeth Hospital Birmingham.
UK School children face a 'tough' new national curriculum, to prepare them for "life in modern Britain".
French has finally been replaced by Urdu, then?
I see Ryanair is now charging £10 for a blanket and pillow.

Well, at least you can get a good solid 8 hours sleep while you're waiting on the runway.
Manchester United getting Falcao and Di Maria is the equivalent of giving somebody who needs heart surgery fake tits. Looks brilliant, but isn't what's needed.
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Random 5!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
I said to my mate at the bus stop yesterday, "I haven't had a shag in a month! I think my fucking balls are going to burst if I don't get a fuck soon."

The bloke next to me with a toddler turned around and said, "Excuse me mate, some of us have kids."

"OK, OK," I replied, "no need to show off."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Three Indians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Three Israelis walk into a bar. The barman says, "Jew can't be serious!"
Three Muslims walk into a bar. The barman says, "Fuck off, you Paki bastards."
What's better than seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of Celtic supporters, after crashing out of the Champions League?

Seeing it twice.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching porn and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."
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Newest Jokes Today

According to a report in the 'Independent' yesterday, 65% of young women are unable to find their vagina. I know what the feeling; I loaned by boyfriend a grand last year, and I haven't seen the cunt since.
The icloud saga rumbles on.all I managed to find was Susan Boyle scratching her fanny and picking her nose.
'The FBI is aware of the allegations concerning computer intrusions and the unlawful release of material nude pictures involving high profile individuals such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst, and is addressing the matter. Any further comment would be inappropriate at this time as Jeff in our computer crime division has just found pictures of Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson naked together, and we're getting copies before they get taken down.'
A sex doll was held up in front of the camera on Sky Sports today.

Rumours have it the fan was showing Wenger a better signing than Danny Welbeck.
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