Hottest Jokes Today

A teacher asks the class to form a sentence with the word Celebrities,so little Timmy says,

"Celebrities get treated better."

"That sentence is way too short,Timmy." says the teacher.

"I know," says Timmy, "Judge Masipa should be ashamed of herself."

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"Are you ok granddad? You look terrified every time I knock on your door. "

"Oh Jack, you'll never know what it's like living in fear of your past, just waiting for the knock on the door, and then you're finished. "

"Gosh granddad, I never knew, were you a spy or a hit man or something? "

"No Jack, much worse than that, I was a pop star in the 1970s. "
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Random 5!

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day.

His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?"

"I'm sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it wasn't serious." says the teacher.

To which Johnny replies, "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, Miss."
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.

It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
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Newest Jokes Today

You've got to be careful about who you tell racist jokes to. I told a racist joke to a black guy last year and he was so upset, he jumped off a bridge and killed himself.

So now, I'm careful with whoever I tell the racist jokes to. Thanks to that incident, I only tell racist jokes to black guys.
"Are you ok granddad? You look terrified every time I knock on your door. "

"Oh Jack, you'll never know what it's like living in fear of your past, just waiting for the knock on the door, and then you're finished. "

"Gosh granddad, I never knew, were you a spy or a hit man or something? "

"No Jack, much worse than that, I was a pop star in the 1970s. "
The dead gunman made a fatal miscalculation when he selected his Canadian targets.

He thought every Ottowan would have their Hands Up.
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