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Hottest Today (10 of 499)
I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.

That's why I killed myself last night.
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Joke by Moore6 in Illness and mortality - Suicide - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 353

I hear Kate and Gerry McCann have taken part in a mile long charity run to raise money to help find missing people.

The last time they ran that far, they were carrying a rolled up carpet.
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Joke by Fyffes in In The News - Madeleine McCann - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 164.8

I'm not a big fan of Formula 1.

If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of money, I'd have become a London cabbie.
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Joke by Fingerfood in Other - Money - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 159.2

I'm not racist.

I treat my man-servant, Blackie Umbongo, very well.
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Joke by Mr Stu Pidtwat in Racism - ??? Other - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 108.2

My mate just text me by accident wishing me a happy mothers day. Fortunately she stayed over last night so I could pass the message on for him. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke submitted by bigstu47, originally by Boombyebye in Events - Mothers Day - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 101.2

I've finally found the subcategory: 'Homosexuality'...

I was looking in the 'Crime' category for about ten minutes.
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Joke by prickipedian in Sex and shit - Homosexuality - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 82.6

Recieved an email today:

Rod, reel, keepnet and wellies all for one pound, click below to make payment now!

Must be a phishing scam.
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Joke by pornstar in Crime - Fraud - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 44.6

On Facebook, I hate it when I get invited to a page where I have to 'become a fan' before I'm allowed to see what the page is even about.

That's like going on a porn site and needing to have a wank before i'm allowed to watch the porn.
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Joke by WeekendMoses in Sex and shit - Wanking (+ 2 more) - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 41.4

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He said "I've just had a sexual complaint from your daughter".

I said "Well, you are clearly doing something wrong, try 2 fingers up her arse".
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Joke by xxxxxx in Sex and shit - Daughters - Added: 4 hours ago - Current Score: 39

My cars fucked.... It only drives in anti-clockwise circles..... Funny enough my bikes doing the same. Nothing seems to go right for me these days I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Tubbzy76 in Other - ??? General (+ 2 more) - Added: 19 hours ago - Current Score: 32.4

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Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.

I asked the waiter how much the pie was.

"£3.14 sir," he replied.

"That's funny," I chuckled.

"What's that sir?" He asked.

"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."

We both had a good laugh.
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Joke by Craig.M in Illness and mortality - Downs Syndrome - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 809.8

My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.

I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.

"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?"
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Joke by Brit_Miller in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 683.2

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...
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Joke by zobbertron in Other - Wordplay - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 587.6

Holy books

Christians : The Bible
Muslims : The Qur'an
Americans : the menu
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Joke by Shy ted in Racism - American - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 557.8

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in th [...]

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Joke by ElGringoBandito in Racism - American - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 534.8

My motto is "Never say never."

Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.
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Joke by copsncrooks in Other - Wordplay - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 519.8

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by embassyno1 in Illness and mortality - Death (+ 1 more) - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 468.6

I've got 4 weeks off work.

I can't decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.
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Joke by tommyboi1 in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 441.2

My wife bought some jeggings.

I said, "What are they then?".

She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings".

I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt".
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Joke by Fingerfood in Other - Wordplay - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 383.8

Apparently, Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people.

He loves Twickenham.
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Joke by 8819 in Celebrities - Jonathan Ross - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 375

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Thom90 in Celebrities - Beyonce (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1599.4

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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Joke by John Merrick in Sports - Winter Olympics - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1388.4

Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by k_cc in Sex and shit - Wanking (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1332

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.
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Joke by Tinpotbob in Racism - Sexism - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 1237.6

Cocaine is never a solution.

Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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Joke by Banz in Other - Alcohol and Drugs - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1162.2

Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Joke by Drofidnas in Sex and shit - Orgasm - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 1139

Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com? I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by TKSnatch in Other - ??? General (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1078.4

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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Joke submitted by ilovelamp, originally by Ben Fitzpatrick in Other - Women - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 1024.8

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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Joke by furiousg in Racism - Chinese - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 987.6

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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Joke by Banz in Racism - Sexism (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 967.6

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 499)
My son was always a slow learner but he came home one day and said, "Dad, I got straight A's!"
"Well done son, I'm proud of you."
Then he replied, "My B's are still a bit wonky."
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Joke by adamscott18 in Other - School - Added: 5 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

Recently an old law has been dug up that states Teachers a fully within their rights to hit their pupils as long as no visible marks are left on the child.

So play it safe, and only hit the black ones.
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Joke by dennislawrence55 in Racism - Black - Added: 7 minutes ago - Current Score: 0

Some fat yank wrote;

I was stuck in traffic yesterday and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

American `s. Do us all a fav [...]

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Joke by bigbaddad in Racism - American - Added: 9 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.2

I thought i'd give Kate McCan the best gift in the world this Mothers Day.

Your going to be a grandmother. Congratulations.
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Joke by tutchmedia in Celebrities - Maddie - Added: 10 minutes ago - Current Score: 5.4

I see a car crash today so I ran over to see if the driver was ok.
She was completely unconcious so I phoned 999.
"Sha'll I move her" I asked.
He replied "No moving her would be the worst thing you could do".
"Trust me mate, I could do something a lot worse than that" was probably not the best response.
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Joke by suckplease in Other - ??? General - Added: 10 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.6

Five year old, Emily is out for a walk with her mummy when they pass a building site. Emily wants to know what they're doing so mummy takes her to speak with the builders. She is so cute, the builders are immediatley captivated by her and adopt her as the 'site mascot', inviting her to spend the week with them onsite.

They all make a big fuss of her, giving her a tiny, pink builder's hard hat, a plastic hammer and saw, some goggles and ear defenders. She looks every bit a minature [...]

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Joke by Gangrene in Other - Children - Added: 12 minutes ago - Current Score: 7.2

Watching formula 1 on my iPhone; making shopping with girlfriend tolerable since 2009 I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by olybeast in Crime - Animal Cruelty - Added: 13 minutes ago - Current Score: 3.8

Black footballer's that wear yellow boots are just asking for some racism. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by Craig.M in Other - Animals (+ 1 more) - Added: 13 minutes ago - Current Score: 5

Just seen the advert for Boyzone's televised concert next week.

Can't help feeling it was missing something...
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Joke by joshy_boi19 in Celebrities - Boyzone - Added: 16 minutes ago - Current Score: 4.2

I went to see the new film "Shutter Island" with Leonardo Di Caprio, which was really weird.

Because i didn't invite him.
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Joke by greasedcougar in Celebrities - Leonardo Di Caprio - Added: 16 minutes ago - Current Score: 9.6

F: Face - Has their face fallen to one side?
A: Arms - Can they raise both arms and leave them there?
S: Shit - They're fucked
T: Time- Time to have a wank, take their wallet and run.
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Joke by Jonjon in Illness and mortality - Stroke - Added: 17 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.8

I told my daughter that she could have anything she wants for her birthday.

She asked me for a pony.

I told her she could have two, so I gave her £50.
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Joke by trampface in Other - ??? General - Added: 19 minutes ago - Current Score: 5.6

This year's winter olympics came under scrutiny when Nodar Kumaritashvili was killed after a high speed crash, and other athelets were injured on the luge circuit. There were many safety concerns regarding the track causing the starting point to be moved.

I have a simple solution that will create a better testing system and stop great, elegant, skilled athletes being injured or worse.


Do the paralylmpics first.
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Joke by thedancecommander in Sports - Paralympics - Added: 21 minutes ago - Current Score: 6.2

I panicked this morning when I looked down and thought I saw a white pubic hair growing on my balls then I realised it must be one of my mums. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by scottish in Sex and shit - Mother - Added: 24 minutes ago - Current Score: 9.4

They're not showing the football in my local right now in favour of the motor racing.

They are a bunch of grand pricks.
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Joke by Moore6 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 26 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.4

pureevil got buried to -5.4. Reveal Joke

Yesterday i accidentaly clicked on the 'Gay' section of a porn site.

A message popped up that read "Your Firewall is now turned on."

My fault really, that'll teach me for putting JLS on my iTunes.
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Joke by Demolitionlovers in Sex and shit - Gay (+ 2 more) - Added: 26 minutes ago - Current Score: 2.4

tonywillo1 got buried to -6.0. Reveal Joke

I can't help thinking that my cock could do with a mother's touch. I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by loveacunt in Sex and shit - Mum - Added: 29 minutes ago - Current Score: -3

Me and my mum have had a great day out today, took me three hours to dig her up and an hour to get the lid off but it was worth it... I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by cottage cheese man in Events - Mothers Day - Added: 29 minutes ago - Current Score: 7

The day that Madeleine McCann is found is the day that Sickipedia goes into breakdown.

Fortunaley, I just got new metal bars surrounding the windows in my basement. So we have nothing to worry about
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Joke by Duff-Man in In The News - Madeleine McCann - Added: 29 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.2

What's worse?

Finding your mum on a porn website?

Or realising you've been wanking to her for 15 minutes?
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Joke by cereal-killer-123 in Sex and shit - Incest - Added: 31 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

ryanm got buried to -5.8. Reveal Joke

' Is that Johnson the joiner? '
' Yes. '
' My wife is trying to kill herself by jumping out the bedroom window. '
' What do you want me to do. '
' Get round here quick,the fucking things stuck. '
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Joke by SQUEAKY in Illness and mortality - Suicide - Added: 35 minutes ago - Current Score: -2

What question bears the answer "cock robin"?

"what's up my arse batman?"
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Joke by hoggking17 in TV - ??? General - Added: 37 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.2

Bad News For Calendars -
Their Days Are Numbered.
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Joke by TheYellowDog in Other - Wordplay - Added: 37 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.4

What's got 32 teeth and hides a beast?

The zip on my jeans.
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Joke by bigstu47 in Other - ??? General - Added: 37 minutes ago - Current Score: 9

Apparently, Jay-Z is producing Madonna's next album.

As a mothers day gift.
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Joke by 8819 in Celebrities - Madonna - Added: 38 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.6

Sky News : 'Afghan Governor Calls For Help After Attacks'


I wonder if anybody heard him?
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Joke by xxxxxx in In The News - Sky News - Added: 38 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.6

ahhh mothers day, or as they call it in norfolk

mothers and sisters day
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Joke by krazydave in Sex and shit - Inbred - Added: 39 minutes ago - Current Score: 2.2


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