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Lewis Hamilton must start today's Grand Prix at the back of the grid.

I can't believe black people are still being treated like this.
A woman in the restaurant had taken a heart attack when her husband shouted, "Is anyone in here a doctor?"

"I am," I said, heroically.

I then walked over, lifted up her skirt, and started examining her vagina.

"What the fuck are you doing?" yelled the husband.

"What I do best," I replied. "Gynaecology."
Not all Muslims are nasty, evil people.

For example, my neighbour Ahmed offered to lend me his rucksack for my journey to CIA headquarters this morning.
UKIP announced today that, in event of them winning the next election, there would still be a "special relationship" between London and Washington.
As they have no objection to a nigger who lives three and a half thousand miles away.
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Random 5!

The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl.

"I'm going to wank in to this," says one chef.

"Great idea," says the second.

Before you know it they've all come in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick wank in it before delivering it to Paris.

Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this."

The guard laughs and asks, "Why not?"

Paris replies, "It's got porridge in it."
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.

I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning.
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."


I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
After watching the O2 advert, I said to my wife, "You should 'be more dog'"

Then smeared peanut butter on my bollocks.
I told my nan that 'queef' was another word for 'laugh' and now she uses it sometimes like 'I queefed so hard at your grandad earlier'. The whole family silently think she's going fucking mental.
My wife was having a conversation with her friend on the phone when she caught me earwigging.

So I had to collect all the little fuckers up and put them back in their matchbox.
Two Muslims were walking by a building site across from my house last weekend. They fell into a hole dug out that hadn't been fenced off. Its a real shame, they're making their way out and the concrete doesn't get delivered for two days!
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