Hottest Today
(10 of 499)
I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.
That's why I killed myself last night.
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I hear Kate and Gerry McCann have taken part in a mile long charity run to raise money to help find missing people.
The last time they ran that far, they were carrying a rolled up carpet.
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I'm not a big fan of Formula 1.
If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of money, I'd have become a London cabbie.
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I'm not racist.
I treat my man-servant, Blackie Umbongo, very well.
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My mate just text me by accident wishing me a happy mothers day. Fortunately she stayed over last night so I could pass the message on for him.
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I've finally found the subcategory: 'Homosexuality'...
I was looking in the 'Crime' category for about ten minutes.
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Recieved an email today:
Rod, reel, keepnet and wellies all for one pound, click below to make payment now!
Must be a phishing scam.
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On Facebook, I hate it when I get invited to a page where I have to 'become a fan' before I'm allowed to see what the page is even about.
That's like going on a porn site and needing to have a wank before i'm allowed to watch the porn.
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A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said "I've just had a sexual complaint from your daughter".
I said "Well, you are clearly doing something wrong, try 2 fingers up her arse".
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My cars fucked.... It only drives in anti-clockwise circles..... Funny enough my bikes doing the same. Nothing seems to go right for me these days
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.
I asked the waiter how much the pie was.
"£3.14 sir," he replied.
"That's funny," I chuckled.
"What's that sir?" He asked.
"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."
We both had a good laugh.
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My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.
I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.
"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?"
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Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...
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Holy books
Christians : The Bible
Muslims : The Qur'an
Americans : the menu
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Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.
After waking up in th [...]
Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.
After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.
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My motto is "Never say never."
Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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I've got 4 weeks off work.
I can't decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, "What are they then?".
She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings".
I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt".
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Apparently, Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people.
He loves Twickenham.
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.
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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.
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Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com?
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I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 499)
My son was always a slow learner but he came home one day and said, "Dad, I got straight A's!"
"Well done son, I'm proud of you."
Then he replied, "My B's are still a bit wonky."
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Recently an old law has been dug up that states Teachers a fully within their rights to hit their pupils as long as no visible marks are left on the child.
So play it safe, and only hit the black ones.
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Some fat yank wrote;
I was stuck in traffic yesterday and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
American `s. Do us all a fav [...]
Some fat yank wrote;
I was stuck in traffic yesterday and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.
American `s. Do us all a favour and keep the fuck off this site. Your jokes about "Moms" are dog wank. Do us a another favour,fuck off and die you fat burger drinkers.
You are a tosser - not a bad joke and you slate it cause he is American. You are the joke mate
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I thought i'd give Kate McCan the best gift in the world this Mothers Day.
Your going to be a grandmother. Congratulations.
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I see a car crash today so I ran over to see if the driver was ok.
She was completely unconcious so I phoned 999.
"Sha'll I move her" I asked.
He replied "No moving her would be the worst thing you could do".
"Trust me mate, I could do something a lot worse than that" was probably not the best response.
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Five year old, Emily is out for a walk with her mummy when they pass a building site. Emily wants to know what they're doing so mummy takes her to speak with the builders. She is so cute, the builders are immediatley captivated by her and adopt her as the 'site mascot', inviting her to spend the week with them onsite.
They all make a big fuss of her, giving her a tiny, pink builder's hard hat, a plastic hammer and saw, some goggles and ear defenders. She looks every bit a minature [...]
Five year old, Emily is out for a walk with her mummy when they pass a building site. Emily wants to know what they're doing so mummy takes her to speak with the builders. She is so cute, the builders are immediatley captivated by her and adopt her as the 'site mascot', inviting her to spend the week with them onsite.
They all make a big fuss of her, giving her a tiny, pink builder's hard hat, a plastic hammer and saw, some goggles and ear defenders. She looks every bit a minature builder. At the end of the week, they even present her with a wage packet containing five pounds. She's so chuffed, she runs all the way home to show it all to her mummy.
Emily's mother is absoluely bowled over with how charming she looks and asks, "So Emily, do you think you'll be going back there next week?"
Emily replies, "I don't know, Mummy. It depends if those cunts from Jewsons turn up with the bricks or not".
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Watching formula 1 on my iPhone; making shopping with girlfriend tolerable since 2009
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Black footballer's that wear yellow boots are just asking for some racism.
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Just seen the advert for Boyzone's televised concert next week.
Can't help feeling it was missing something...
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I went to see the new film "Shutter Island" with Leonardo Di Caprio, which was really weird.
Because i didn't invite him.
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F: Face - Has their face fallen to one side?
A: Arms - Can they raise both arms and leave them there?
S: Shit - They're fucked
T: Time- Time to have a wank, take their wallet and run.
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I told my daughter that she could have anything she wants for her birthday.
She asked me for a pony.
I told her she could have two, so I gave her £50.
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This year's winter olympics came under scrutiny when Nodar Kumaritashvili was killed after a high speed crash, and other athelets were injured on the luge circuit. There were many safety concerns regarding the track causing the starting point to be moved.
I have a simple solution that will create a better testing system and stop great, elegant, skilled athletes being injured or worse.
Do the paralylmpics first.
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I panicked this morning when I looked down and thought I saw a white pubic hair growing on my balls then I realised it must be one of my mums.
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They're not showing the football in my local right now in favour of the motor racing.
They are a bunch of grand pricks.
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The cast of neighbours said they haven't had a decent kebab for years.
They really miss Jason's Donervan.
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Yesterday i accidentaly clicked on the 'Gay' section of a porn site.
A message popped up that read "Your Firewall is now turned on."
My fault really, that'll teach me for putting JLS on my iTunes.
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I can't help thinking that my cock could do with a mother's touch.
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Me and my mum have had a great day out today, took me three hours to dig her up and an hour to get the lid off but it was worth it...
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The day that Madeleine McCann is found is the day that Sickipedia goes into breakdown.
Fortunaley, I just got new metal bars surrounding the windows in my basement. So we have nothing to worry about
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What's worse?
Finding your mum on a porn website?
Or realising you've been wanking to her for 15 minutes?
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What does SOS stand for in Haiti or any black country? Shag Our Sisters... Dirty Inbred Cunts.
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' Is that Johnson the joiner? '
' Yes. '
' My wife is trying to kill herself by jumping out the bedroom window. '
' What do you want me to do. '
' Get round here quick,the fucking things stuck. '
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What question bears the answer "cock robin"?
"what's up my arse batman?"
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Bad News For Calendars -
Their Days Are Numbered.
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What's got 32 teeth and hides a beast?
The zip on my jeans.
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Apparently, Jay-Z is producing Madonna's next album.
As a mothers day gift.
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Sky News : 'Afghan Governor Calls For Help After Attacks'
I wonder if anybody heard him?
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ahhh mothers day, or as they call it in norfolk
mothers and sisters day
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More from today.
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