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In an interview last night, Mike Tyson said one of his biggest regrets was the dirty fighting he did in the ring.

When asked to comment on the Tyson interview, Evander Holyfield said, "Pardon?"
I got sacked today from working at the 999 call centre.

Apparently when a Muslim calls to report, "My house is on fire!"

"Have you tried blowing on it?" is not the correct reply.
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Random 5!

Something that annoys me about the game 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. Now, I can understand how rock beats scissors, and how scissors beats paper.. but how the fuck does paper beat rock? What does it do? Wrap itself around the rock and leave it immobile? Why can't it do that to scissors? In fact, screw the game, why can't it do that to people? Why aren't students being suffocated by their book as they take notes during a class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anything, a rock would tear paper up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock, paper, scissors I always pick rock, then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I use my already clenched fist to punch them in the face, and then say, "Oh, sorry, I thought your paper would protect you, stupid cunt."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.

Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.
My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude cunt wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

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Newest Jokes Today

Little Johnny puts his hand up.
"Miss, can I go for a piss?"
"Now hold on Johnny," says his teacher, "say, can I visit the lavatory."
"Not 'til I've been," says Johnny. "I'm fucking desperate!"
My wife asked me if she should leave her body for scientific research.
I told her she should.
I think the scientists would appreciate a good laugh.
So, Fifa 16 will feature women's teams.

It will be the first time I get to scout a 15-year-old girl without fear of getting locked up.
My wife came home from work early to find me strutting around the house in her new dress and high heels. She shook her head in horror and burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, love," I said, embarrassed. "It's not something I do all the time. I just experiment now and then."

"I don't care about your fetishes," she sobbed, "but I must be a right fat cunt if you can get into my clothes."
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