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My job interview didn't go too well last week.


I painted myself black, wore loads of jewellery, got my hair cut into a Mohawk and I still didn't get it.
I stole a phone today. As I was running away it rang, I looked at it and 'Dad' was the caller ID.

That bastard always seems to know when I am up to no good.
The situation with all these desperate African immigrants fleeing persecution is getting a bit ridiculous now.

I've just got back from Calais to find a family of lions from Hwange National Park hiding in my boot.
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Random 5!

Apparently, the Pope reckons that condoms 'make things worse' in regards to the AIDS epidemic.

The day I take sex advice from an 82-year-old virgin, is the same day I take parenting advice from Kate and Gerry McCann.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.

"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.

"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
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Newest Jokes Today

We give millions to these countrys still the same example 50 years to my knowledge we been sending stand pipes to these third word countrys they must have enough copper pipe to buy us out by now
I worked in a call centre taking 200 calls a day, 1000 a week.

I had 3 calls a week monitored.

It was about 333/1 that they'd hit on the one where I told a customer to fuck off and get cancer.
"I've told you again and again," my wife moaned, "if you stopped drinking and gambling we could clear our debts in 6 months."

And that made me think. I'll just kill her for the insurance.
What's the difference between 17th century Britain and 21st century America?

In 17th century Britain, Black Death was actually pretty important
I see women in the US military are now allowed to serve in combat.

Finally, someone in the tank will stop and ask for directions.
My mum has always been such an inspiration to me.

I often sat there wondering where I would have been if it wasn't for her.

Until my dad said "Dribbling down Monica from number 26's tits, as she wasn't as easy as your mum"
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