Hottest Jokes Today

I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.

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MERS , or Middle-East Respiratory Syndrome , is a very dangerous virus which has claimed another 17 lives in Saudi Arabia in recent weeks.

It is not to be confused with Middle-East Religious Syndrome, which has fucked up every life it has touched since first appearing in Arabia around the year 630.
My wife and I just bought a full-size snooker table and I realised that we would have to work together to carry it back home. So in the end she took the table, the balls, the cues, the extension, the triangle, the spider and the chalk...

And I took the rest.
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Random 5!

What's the difference between a lazy wife and West Bromwich Albion?

Nothing - they both deserve to get beaten, and are lucky if they don't.
A black man runs into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, Doctor I can't stop running around!"

The doctor says, "Okay, take this tablet."

The black man instantly slows down and stops. He said, "WOW! It really worked! I've tried everything! What was it?"

The doctor replies, "It's Persil. It stops coloureds running."
A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

MERS , or Middle-East Respiratory Syndrome , is a very dangerous virus which has claimed another 17 lives in Saudi Arabia in recent weeks.

It is not to be confused with Middle-East Religious Syndrome, which has fucked up every life it has touched since first appearing in Arabia around the year 630.
I refused to believe I had blood poisoning. Turns out I'm scepticemic
When I'm older, I want to die in my sleep or an 18 year old...
Immigrants from Syria have been making a beeline for and successfully entering America.

Those destitute and desperate from other countries are following suit and saying they're from Syria to gain entry and this is causing major issues at the borders.

To help combat the matter, John McEnroe has been recruited to filter out those who cannot be Syrians.
My wife and I just bought a full-size snooker table and I realised that we would have to work together to carry it back home. So in the end she took the table, the balls, the cues, the extension, the triangle, the spider and the chalk...

And I took the rest.
Police are hunting for a missing mother and her four children who are feared to be travelling to Syria.

"This woman needs to be found with the utmost urgency." Said the police chief.

"We can offer her assistance, we found her passport on her kitchen side."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.
I've just read about a prostitute who managed to infiltrate MI5's inner sanctum.

It was a whore in spy ring story
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