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It's all very well knowing Jihadi John's real name but, if he gets back to London, Leicester or Bradford, it might as well be fucking Spartacus!
Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner..

"Wow, that's amazing." She said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"

"Online auction."
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Random 5!

British rescue operation.

Use stealth tactics to get into the enemy building. Use silenced weapons and gas to disable combatants and avoid detection. Rescue victim quickly and without taking any casualties.

American rescue operation.

Roll up in Hummers, because they are cool. Throw grenades at building until everyone inside is dead, because explosions are fucking cool. Drag corpse of person you just 'rescued' out of the rubble and stick American flag in them. High five anyone in your platoon still alive.
"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please, babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" she said.

"You're not pregnant?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge black guy.

"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of cock," he said.

"I love it," I replied. "I'm doing life for cannibalism."
Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

I got a present for my wife. I told her: Honey I got something round, white and gold for you.
Ohhhhhhh my god is it a ring, she replied
WTF - a blue/black fitness ball.
What do you call a gang of niggers on the road blocking your car?

10 pin bowling.
I bought a lovely car. Gets lots of looks from pedestrians, runs dead quiet with plenty of boot space.

Never heard of a car company called a hearse though.
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