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I got my wife off with one finger last night.

It wasn't easy though, she was holding on to that ledge pretty tightly.
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Random 5!

A young black boy is helping his Mother to bake bread in the kitchen when he gets flour all over his face. He spreads the flour around a bit and turns to his Mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him hard across the face and says, "Go and tell your daddy what you just did!"

The boy goes through to the lounge and says, "Look dad I'm a white boy!"

The father grabs the boy throws him over his knee and slaps his arse really hard and says, "Go tell your Granddaddy what you said!"

The boy trots off and finds his grandfather and rather sheepishly says, "Look mum I'm a white boy!" The grandfather grabs the boy, drags him to the bathroom, puts a block of soap in his mouth and begins to scrub his tongue with it before sending him to his room with no dinner.

Later that evening his mother calls him down to the lounge where his family are all seated and says, "Well have you learned anything?"

To which the boy replies, "Yeah I was only white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black bastards."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.

The librarian says, "Get the fuck out."

The man replies, "That's the one."
First God tells us to go forth and multiply, then he tells us not to commit adultery, then a virgin gives birth to his son.

I really don't think he has a fucking clue what he's talking about.
I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

Last night I had four pints of guinness and four shots of tequila and it got me fucked up big time.


Serves me right for downing other peoples' drinks.
Last night I was walking through our local park and a woman came up to me.

"Come and fuck me big boy, only £15" She said

Ignoring her I carried on walking, only to be stopped by another woman.

"Hey big boy. come and fuck my cunt right now, only £12" She begged

It was at this point I noticed lots of cameras in the bushes.

I think they were filming Bargain Cunt.
A Mancunian and a scouser are sat drinking in a bar when news footage of the Black Friday shopping riots comes up on the TV.

"Can you believe this madness??" The Manc says.

The scouser replies: "that's nothing mate...you wanna try getting into Hillsborough on FA Cup semi final day"
This bloke in the pub said to me,

"Fuck me, that was a rough old bitch you were with last night, not a patch on the women I normally see you with, what on Earth ever possessed to take her out? "

"I had to, " I replied, "it was our wedding anniversary. "
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