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My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie:

'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience'

"Wow" she said, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

I fucking hope so.
According to French police, the man who drove a car into a crowd of people whilst shouting: "Allahu Akbar!" was 'mentally unbalanced'.

Of course he was, he believed in religion.
I was telling my colleague at work how I haven't had sex in months.

"I think I may know someone who can help," she said, whilst slowly rubbing her crotch.

After 15 minutes, I thought: "How much longer do I have to wait for the answer?"
I have invented a bullshit detector and it works great, anytime someone starts talking crap to me, a klaxon sounds.

Although it did cause me some embarrassment in church last Sunday.
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Random 5!

I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
How come you get charged with assault for kicking the fuck out of a white guy, but when you smash a black guy you get charged with impersonating a police officer.
With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere.

I suggest Pakistan:

We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into "our" part of town, set up specialist shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, protest to the government that the name "Ramadan" is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to "Starve Yourself Fest."
A man was transporting bowling balls in his van when he noticed two black kids walking along with a bike . He asked if they needed a ride, when they said 'yeah' he told them there was only room in the back. So they climbed in the back of the truck.

The driver was very tired and passed his weigh station. A local policeman noticed and pulled him over.
The policeman came around and asked him all the normal questions, then asked what he was hauling.
The driver said, "Oh, nothing much." This raised suspicion in the officer and he asked if he could take a look inside.
The policeman went around back, opened the back of the truck, peeked in, and shut the door very quickly.
He went back to the driver and with a sense of fear in his voice he told him, "I want to you drive out of here and NEVER come back again!" So the driver obliged.

When the cop got back into his car, his partner exclaimed,"What's wrong?! You look like you've seen a ghost!!" To which the officer replied, "You're not going to believe this! That man was hauling nigger eggs, two of them hatched and one already stole a bike!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As a postman, I read the most heart-wrenching letter from a little girl to Santa. How her mummy and daddy had no money and how she only wanted a chocolate bar for Christmas.

Anyway. There was no money in that one so I sealed it and re-posted it.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

I bought a book today.

As I was leaving the shop the cashier called to me, "Don't forget your receipt, Sir!"

I replied, "Uh, I'm pretty sure it'll work."
Whenever someone plays a rap song, I have the feeling I've heard it before.

My Doctor says I've got Dre-ja-vue.
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