Hottest Jokes Today

We've all been there at the hairdresser: you keep telling her to take more off and then, before you know it...

She's naked and you don't know what to do with the knife.

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So I see Liverpool are swapping Suarez for Balotelli.

That's a bit like taking a razor blade off your toddler and giving it some bleach to play with instead.
BBC News: Man jailed for 3 years for filming Fast And Furious in cinema, I can sleep safe tonight in the knowledge that this hardened criminal mastermind is off our streets...
From September 1st the EU are banning all vacuum cleaners over 1600 watts.

Dyson have said this means newer machines won't suck as well as they should but their new model, the 'Tulisa', will be ready on time.
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Random 5!

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Hottest Jokes This Week

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.

She realized he was dead just after she said, " ... and that was my day. How was your day?"
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Hottest Jokes This Month

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a cunt
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Newest Jokes Today

I'd just finished fucking my mate when out of the blue he told me he didn't like my dog as he was more of a cat person. So i kicked him out, the gay bastard
I was told by my wife that my ice-bucket challenge was inappropriate because of my nomination.

But fuck it, I'm still nominating Scarlett Johanssen in a thin white t-shirt and no bra.
"Strictly come dancing"

For those of us old enough to remember that program used to be called "Come dancing"...

Until they realised that some people actually do that.
A manager at a local store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were all equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question to determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A thought. It just pops into your head, no warning.'

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer thoughtfully. 'The blink of an eye!'

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Turning is the fastest thing I can think of'.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' exclaimed the interviewer.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

He replied, 'From their answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.'
'What!?' asked the interviewer, surprised by the response.
'Oh sure', said the man. 'The other day I wasn't feeling so good, so I ran for the bathroom - but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light I'd already shat myself.'
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