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Krispy Kreme Donuts is to open its first Glasgow outlet.

In other news, life expectancy in the city just moved into negative figures.
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Random 5!

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."
Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match

14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there" - Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ.

Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.

She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving.
In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim walked into my Adult Learning Centre this morning.

"Hello there." I said to him. "You need help with your reading, don't you?"

"Yes, yes I do." He said. "How could you tell?"


"Because the sign on the door says No Pakis."
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Newest Jokes Today

"I've invented a time machine."

"Prove it."

"I went back in time and killed the great Dr Thomas Johansen when he was a baby."

"I've never heard of him."

"Exactly."
This girl I just met asked me what I do for living.
- Drawings
- That's nice! What exactly you draw?
- Hard to explain...
- Please, draw something for me!
- Sorry, not possible.
- Pleeeeeease...
So I stabbed her and then I drew her silhouette on the floor.
I was shocked to get a card from my neighbour that read "Sorry I ran over your dog" - I didn't even know they made those!

Although, I was more shocked he had crossed out "dog" and written "child"
When I heard Ed Miliband had been hanging out with Brand I felt sorry for his wife.

And, for that matter, I thought Jo could do much better
Bournemouth have nearly won promotion to the Premier League.

They just need to avoid a 19-0 defeat to Charlton on Saturday.

Charlton are now looking to loan Ronaldo and Messi for the day.
Saudi Arabia says they foiled an ISIS attack on US Embassy.

Well isn't that great.

When you are the one providing all support to ISIS it is really easy to foil attack when you already know about it.

Talk about scoring brownie points.
Earthquakes are like celebrity marriages.

You don't know how long they'll last or how bad they'll be.
I saw a strange sight today, driving down the motorway was a car completely covered in long black curly hair, and then I realized that it must be Afro Romero
Stereotyping is a dangerous game and highly offensive....just because a black man is seen carrying bags full of goods in Baltimore doesn't mean he's a looter.

One such picture describing " A looter" was simply a guy packing up and leaving the area because he found out his girlfriend was pregnant.
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