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Walking down the street this morning, we passed a tree with its branches rustling noisily..

"Wow, look at that." Exclaimed the wife, checking it out. "There's three cats up in that tree."

"So there is." I replied, seeing them. "Must be a nest up there."


"Fuck off, you daft cunt." She said, "Cats don't live in nests."
I went to a job interview and I was asked, "What sets you apart from everyone else?"

I said, "I look young for my age and I'm a hermaphrodite so you can fuck me over any way you want to."

Needless to say I start at BBC next week.
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Random 5!

So The Pope has been knocked over at Christmas mass by a woman who is said to be mentally unstable.

That's a bit rich coming from a fucker who would have us believe there's an invisible man in the sky who created the earth in 7 days.
A man was walking along the beach one day, when he happened to pass by a very lovely young woman that didn't have any arms or legs, gently sobbing to herself...

'Why the tears?' he asked. She says, 'I'm 18 years old and I've never been kissed.'
The man pauses for a moment, then smiles and gives her a soft kiss on the head.
She laughs a little and puckers up so he gives her a big kiss on the lips.
They pause for an unsure moment and then shes says 'You know... I'm 18 years old... and I've never been fucked!' The man stands up starts smiling and grabs the young woman by the hair and tosses her into the sea. She starts screaming and bobbing up and down, then the man shouts; 'YOU'RE FUCKED NOW DARLING!
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Hottest Jokes This Week

My flat mate just said, "Oh that annoying cunt from Coronation Street has died".

47 guesses later I got it right.
TV > Soap
My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
I've just noticed Casualty is up to series twenty nine and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series one are just being seen.
TV > Drama
I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

So Islamist militants have murdered 12 French journalists for publishing cartoons depicting followers of the Prophet Mohammed as bloodthirsty barbarians.

That's like raping 12 kids to prove you're not a paedophile.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies.
Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.
I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.
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Newest Jokes Today

A red neck was screaming at a man in the street.

She shouted "Why havnt you been paying your child support!?"

He said "Fuck off, the childs not even my brother."
After the murder of one of the Japanese hostages by ISIS, Barack Obama has said the US stands 'shoulder to shoulder' with the Japanese.

Shouldn't that be, 'shoulder to top of head'?
You know, It's hard to get a job these days when you're an autistic 14 year old with 1 arm and no eyes and your only hope at a job is slamming on a keyboard and hoping relevant words come out.

Well today that all changes. I finally got the job as a Daily Mail journalist!
I think it's sad that a General in the Army has told The Mail that he is worried what people will think when he comes out as Gay.

It should be nobody else's business what he does with his privates.
My wife walked in on me wearing her clothes... Neither of us were that surprised really.

Why wouldn't she be wearing her clothes.
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