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Was at the top of the Empire State building when I saw a very attactive girl, so I leaned in and whispered, "Baby I wanna make all your fantasies come true."

She turned to me and whispered back, "Awww that's so sweet. Try not to land on my car...."
I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war.

I wonder if he was mowed down?
The England Football Team have filed a lawsuit against a bloke who got into a bar fight. He was unofficially dressed as the England mascot.

They could tell he wasn't affiliated because he beat the shit out of his opponent.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
With a heat-wave forecast doctors are urging Muslims who are observing Ramadan to balance food and fluid intake between fasts and especially to drink enough water.

Pfft! What do doctors know eh? Put a few extra layers on and go for a 10-mile jog. Allah is proud of you!
I approached a police officer this morning to tell him I'd been robbed.

"What did he look like sir?"

"He was bald, about 6 foot tall and white"

Okay no problem sir, we'll take it from here.

"All units, we're looking for a bald male, 6 foot, possibly a black man in disguise".
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
Nigerian atheist 'ruled mentally ill'

Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up.

Fucking weirdo.
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
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Newest Jokes Today

FOR SALE: Single white glove owned by world-famous figure fond of kids.

Signs of wear and tear from holding onto crotch tightly.

Some traces of artist paint.

Text Buckingham Palace quoting: rolfperv
My young son was eating his dinner last night when my wife said to him, "Eat your carrots. They're good for growing children."

My son replied, "That's all well and good but I don't want to fucking grow children."
I just got a new job at the harbour as the dinghy launcher.

It's slightly different from my old one, but I'm not pushing the boat out.
The two things I love most about my girlfriend are first that she's Chinese, so I get to be exposed to a different culture all the time, and second, she's always giving me those come to bed eyes.
We were almost obliterated by a giant asteroid a couple of days ago. According to NASA, a 500-foot-wide asteroid came within 116,000 miles, which is actually closer to the earth than the moon.

Whenever they get that close, just in case, I curl my body up in a really fucked-up pose for archaeologists to discover in 2,000 years time ...
A spokesman for the Commonwealth Games has confirmed that this time the Queen really will jump from a helicopter during the Opening Ceremony.

"It'll be more successful this time. I've personally packed the parachute myself", said the long awaiting heir to the throne, Prince Charles.
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