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A black guy left his laptop open in Starbucks earlier so I had a quick snoop while he was in the toilet and it was full of child pornography!

I wanted to call the police but I had to wait for the black guy to come back first so I could find out who he nicked the laptop from.
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Random 5!

The doctor came out of the maternity ward and said, "Mr Smith, I'm afraid your baby was still born."

I asked, "What, STILL, after all the shit I did to kill it?!"
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
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Hottest Jokes This Week

UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
What's the difference between 17th century Britain and 21st century America?

In 17th century Britain, Black Death was actually pretty important
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
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Newest Jokes Today

When I was a kid growing up in the 80's I didn't give a shit about what clothes I would wear.

Looking back at some of my old photos, it's quite obvious that my parents didn't either.
I used to have a woodpecker called Woody, until he attacked my girlfriend.

I still can't believe Woody would peck her.
The first verse of the Quran is titled Sura Al-Fatiha or "the opening".

More modern editions have tastefully removed the accompanying illustration of a six year old's vagina, although the theme persists in the remaining text.
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