My brother phoned me, and said his wife had given birth to a boy, and they'd named him Nelson, after Nelson Mandela.
"Why's that, is he black?" I laughed
"No mate, he's dead."
The Sick List
The helicopter that crashed into a Glasgow pub killing nine people could have destroyed a Mosque a couple of hundred yards away.
And they wonder why the public have no faith in the police.
I gave up organising my porn from A to Z when I realised it was just anal.
The pilot of the Glasgow helicopter crash was described as a hero at his funeral.
A hero? Crashing into a pub full of Glaswegians on a Friday night, I'd say he's a fucking legend.
My wife just walked in on me watching "Menstrual Lesbian Babes" on the internet.
There were red faces all round...
My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked,
" Have you got a problem?" He replied,
"I'm fucking freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on," she said to him.
Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failure to supply a specimen of breath for analysis after his sports car was involved in a collision.
The one time spirits would have actually shown up and he fails to deliver...
If Starbucks has done one thing for coffee,
It's turning the drink that's been around for 1000's of years into a pretentious cunt.
My Dad left his undertaker business to me when he died;
In fact , he was my first customer.
Michael Barrymore said its great news that Tom Daley is gay, he said its great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim.
Hottest This Week
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.
"Yes." he replied.
I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"
He said, "Sure."
As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."
"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."
When asked their thoughts on Britain's No1 diver announcing that he is gay.....
Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,
and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
It's true when they say that certain types of music can take you to another place.
I was in the pub tonight and a James Arthur song was playing on the jukebox, so I went to another pub.
Hottest This Month
Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...
I walk into the pub with half my cock showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!?
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.
He must be shitting himself.
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
Dappy was recently hospitalised after being kicked in the head by a horse.
Music industry leaders are considering giving the 'Outstanding Contribution to Music Award' to the horse.