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I said to my doctor, "I found a lump downstairs this morning."

"Ok, well take off your pants." he replied.

After feeling my bollocks for a few minutes he said, "Where's the lump then?"

"Under my armpit." I replied, "I was in my living room at the time."
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
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Random 5!

I don't understand Dragons Den.

Surely if you're looking for a large amount of money for investment, you would simply steal it from the tables sitting in front of you?
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 232 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?" The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water." The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn't know that!"

A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?" The older father, rather agitated by his son's curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says...

Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks. The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?" "Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier..."

A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?"

"Dad.... What the fuck are we doing in a zoo then?"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

I will never forget the 1st time I was raped. It was horrible.

All I wanted to do was get on a plane....
I was in the gym showers today when another bloke walked in..

"What the fuck is that?" I said, pointing toward his dick. "Is that a fucking rabbit-skin merkin?"

"Is it fuck, you cheeky cunt." He snapped. "It's my pubic hare."
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
I went to a bar the other day and saw a gorgeous blonde on her own. With all the suave charm I could muster, I swaggered over to her, winked, and sat down on a stool.

So I stood up, wiped it off, and left.
"Hello Pete, I won't be coming into work today," I said.

"So what's your excuse, then?" he asked.

"I'm your fucking boss, Pete," I replied.
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