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I telephoned Southampton Football Club to ask them what time their game kicked off this evening.

The receptionist replied, "What time can you get here."
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Random 5!

Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".
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Hottest Jokes This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."


I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

I was about to go to the cinema with my date, then I asked her, "Do you want to watch a horror?"

She said, "No, thanks. I'm afraid of ghosts. Can we watch a chick flick instead?"

I said, "Definitely not."

She asked, "Why not?"

I replied, "I'm afraid of commitment."
I got a massively discounted ticket for the cinema tonight so I went to see 'Planet of the Apes'.
It's true what they say. I paid peanuts, and got monkeys
The Israel Defense Forces has warned Hamas not to retaliate when being attacked.

Yeah, right. The last time the similar kind of instruction was followed, 6,000,000 Jews were vaporised.
I've always wondered why a Scotsman hasn't run faster than a greyhound yet.

Just replace the hare with a can of Tennants and watch them run.
9 out of 10 doctors believe 1 out of 10 doctors is an arsehole
"Tower Hamlets's Muslim mayor sparked a storm of protest tonight after raising the Palestinian flag over the town hall, in solidarity with Gaza"

Fuck! I can't wait to see how the Mayor of Tottenham responds to this one.
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