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My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing.

"It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her.

"Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with."
My mate got married yesterday. I asked him what he wanted as a present and he said 'any Apple product would be great'. So I bought him a couple of tins of cider
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Random 5!

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Hottest Jokes This Week

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"
The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoovering'
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.
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Newest Jokes Today

Some guy in the pub told me he's started going to a running class in order for him to run faster.

"Why?" I asked, "Are you an athlete?"

"No," he replied. "I'm a rapist."
The wife said to my daughter and I, "There is some piss on the bathroom sink! Who is responsible?"

"I'm sorry, mom, I did it," confessed my daughter.

"I am responsible," I also said.

Confused, the wife said, "Well, which one of you was it?"

"I did," said my daughter. "On a stick because I'm pregnant."
My wife said, "I'm off to buy new curtains. The last set are looking a bit shabby."

"That's just wasting money," I replied. "Just shave them and grow another pair."
"Stop ten year old Mfonobong walking four hours every day to get her family water" said an Oxfam poster.

I was so moved, I flew to Lagos and broke her legs.
I was drunk, staggering back to this ugly birds house last night, when I said:

"Have you got a light?"

"Yes" she replied.

"Well make sure you leave it off love" I said, "I don't want to see your face."
All they sponging wankers who voted yes to Scottish independence are boycotting B&Q, RBS & Asda to name a few.
They reckon all these stores were biased towards the no vote.
Asda have said they're delighted as their shoplifting figures will drop dramatically.
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