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Spent an afternoon in bed with my wife watching the women's tennis action at Wimbledon.

She commented that there was a huge gap between the women's number 1 and the women's number 2.

Which kind of ruins my normal excuse of claiming it slipped in by accident.
Once again the time has come for 200 men to strap on some lycra and cycle thousands of miles through beautiful French countryside, up mountains and through the streets of Paris so we can find out who is this year's best drug dealer.
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Random 5!

One day Little Billy is at school showing off his new Spiderman watch. When Little Johnny spots it he asks, "How did you get that watch?"
"I walked in on my Mum & Dad having sex." explained Billy "My Dad shouted at me, then later came to apologise and bought me this new watch to say sorry".
That night Johnny had a plan, he'd stay awake until he heard his Mum & Dad getting down to it and then burst in on them and maybe get a watch for himself. Everything went to plan and as he burst in shouting,

"I wanna watch!"

"Go get yourself a chair and be quiet then." replied his Dad.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Apparently the government is considering paying extra benefits to single gay men who are looking for a partner.

It will be called 'Knob seekers allowance'
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day.

Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said,

"He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."
Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.

They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended.
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Newest Jokes Today

Oh sure when I forget that I've locked the Dog in the car in the heat all I get is a slap on the wrist and "Don't do it again sir", but when it's the fucking Baby I'm facing charges of neglect and murder.


Dogs have just as much of a right as Babies do to get justice.
Spent Hours down at the Gym now i'm a Member.
Was on the machines all day loosing loads of Pounds.
These Vending machines are amazing
Living in a dominantly Pakistani area, one day upon arriving home I realised the inside of my house smelled like curry, stale body odour and inbred.

To my surprise there were two of them, going at it in an upstairs room. They looked very much alike and as if they hadn't washed in many weeks. I said, G, you're going at it like a brother and sister! After managing to get rid of the two, spraying my house with disinfectant, buying a new bed and burning the old one, I resumed cooking my curry.
Jenson Button has done a parade lap on the back of a lorry before the British Grand Prix to see his fans.

He went round 12 seconds faster than his qualifying lap.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat", I thought to myself.
Some mates were sharing their worst camping experiences
One hadn't said anything but when pressed he said woodenly
"I badly needed a dump in the middle of the night, couldn't find the torch and squatted on a rabbit trap and as it slammed shut it leapt out of the leaves and slammed shut on my balls"
All his mates winced as one and a couple went pale and a few moaned
"But that didn't hurt as much as when I ran out of chain"!!
"Does it have much leg room?" I asked the car salesman.

"Yes, lots," he said, opening the passenger door.

"I meant in the boot," I said.
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