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My wife said sex was getting boring and she wanted to try something new. She asked me to strangle her during sex because she read it heightened the pleasure.

And it really did, for me anyway.

Her funeral is in 3 days....
In Scotland, two gay prisoners in separate jails are suing for the right to visit each other, alleging that denying them face-to-face contact is a violation of their human rights.

What nonsense. Even if they got full conjugal visits, they wouldn't spend much time face-to-face anyway.
Ched Evans is distraught at being dropped by Sheffield United.

"How on Earth am I going to get another trial now? " He was heard to comment.

Easy Ched, just rape someone else.
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Random 5!

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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
So Jessica Ennis will ask for her name to be removed from Sheffield United's stand if they resign Ched Evans.

I'm going to propose renaming it "The Ched Evans One Night Stand"
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
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Newest Jokes Today

I just caught the end of a show on TV called 'the secrets of shoplifters'.

I didn't think they'd have anything to hide.
I learned today on my fork lift truck course that if you kill someone with a fork lift you get 5 years!
How to get the wife in our warehouse?????
Some UK schools have been teaching in radical beliefs Ofsted claim.

"I know this too be true. Last week I visited my sons school and they had bacon with their dinner!" Said Mr Mahmood
A new reality show set in Bradford where normal people are forced to eat dreadful food and face bitterness and harassment in everyday life is being made by ITV.

'I'm a white man get me out of here,' will air in the near future.
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