Hottest Jokes Today

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:

"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."

"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."

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Random 5!

Sky News: Kate & Gerry McCann write to Prime Minister asking for "independent, transparent & comprehensive review" of their daughter's disappearance.

Well basically what happened is you went out and left her on her own...
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

I was out and about in my spider man costume tonight and every one kept saying what a great Halloween costume it was.
I don't know why they keep saying this as the only reason i am dressed up is because i want my kids back.
It's seems like everyone is a fucking racist these days. A few days ago I was at the lowest point ever in my life, up to my eyes in debt with no way out. So I decided to rob the local post office and all I had to disguise myself was an old pillowcase with the eyes cut out. But I was desperate.

So I when got to the door, I took a deep breath, put the pillowcase over my head and walked in.

I was about shout out something like 'everyone on the floor, this is a robbery', when some guy came up to me, shook my hand and said 'you can go in front of me mate'. The next fella winked and said 'good man, this Country needs people like us" and he let me skip ahead too. Before I know it I was at the top of the queue and so confused all I did was buy a few stamps.
A JUDGE HAS ruled in favour of a Montreal woman who says Google invaded her privacy after a photo of her sitting outside of her house with part of her breast exposed appeared on Google Street View.

Meanwhile in Liverpool....no wait they wouldn't have a laptop long enough to cop it.
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