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My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude cunt wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.
"Running with scissors, don't be so silly," I shouted to a child in my class.

The little Red Indian bastard was pulling faces at me.
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Random 5!

Friendly advice to all girls whose boyfriends keep stealing the covers at night -

Get a white boyfriend instead.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.
Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
Just wrote a book about drug smuggling, it's called Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory.

The sequel will be about a black guy making the drugs that were to be smuggled in film 1.

Film 2 - Chocolate and the Charlie factory
Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
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Newest Jokes Today

My wife was out shopping and she phoned me to say she'd bought me some new clothes for the summer, and could I help her unload the car when she got home.

Imagine my disappointment when she pulled up and I went out to give her a hand only to find a load of Sports Direct bags in the boot.
If ever there was definitive proof needed that Katie Hopkins mum doesn't swallow.....
........ it's Katie Hopkins
I met this girl at a bar and we immediately hit it off. I took her home after a few drinks and the sex was absolutely mind blowing. Before she left the next morning she confided in me that she was a member of the KKK, and told me that if I wasn't bothered by that, she would love to do this again sometime. Considering how good the pussy is, I decided to keep seeing her. She's truly a wizard in the sheets.
The Queen Mary 2, the Queen Victoria and the Queen Elizabeth have sailed together in Liverpool for the first time to mark Cunard's 175th anniversary in the city where Samuel Cunard began his transatlantic line in 1840.
The three liners were later found propped up on bricks and stripped of anything of value.
I got fired earlier due to my 'very poor attention to detail'.

At least that's what I think he or she said.
Coming from a family of farmers, I was so proud when my son told me he had taken up farming.

I was not so happy when I heard the police had raided his house and taken his crops.
Since starting her new job,the wife has not once come home & bent my ear yapping on about her day at work.

Working as a barmaid at Fight Club seems to suit her
Steven Gerrard just checked in for his flight to America.

At the check in counter he produced a suitcase full of broken crockery, a bag full of socks with holes in and a Betamax video player.

"Do you really need all this," said the check in attendant.

"Yes," said Gerrard, "I'm used to carrying a load of useless baggage."
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