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I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

"This wasn't quite what I had in mind," I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.
I was discussing the Oscar Pistorius case with my mate and he said, "I don't buy it. If you woke up in the middle of the night and heard someone moving around in the toilet, what's the first thing you'd do before you started pumping bullets through the door?"

I replied, "Well, first of all I'd make damn sure it was the wife in there."
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Random 5!

I was text-cheating on my wife and accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.
So there I was at work, bashing one out all morning.
Then, after lunch, it hit me: you have to hold down the shift key to get an exclamation mark!
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

I pulled out of my slag girlfriend's mouth after a mind-blowing blow job and the spunk was running down the shaft of my cock and dripping off my balls.

"Fucking HELL, that was awesome. Baby, you're the best." I gasped, out of breath. "But I thought you were going to swallow my cum?"


"I did, honey." She said. "That's Tony's."
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