All Jokes

Apparently people are concerned about what will happen in the event of a "Dead Heat" in the Scottish Referendum. Frankly I'm not worried. There's a higher chance of us getting nuked by time-travelling oompaloompas than there ever being any kind of heat in Scotland.
A Jew was walking past a jeweller's shop in the high street, when his wife spotted a necklace to die for.

"What a beautiful necklace", she said.

As they walked down the street, she kept on and on about the necklace.

The Jew thought to himself, "Fuck it, I haven't treated her for ages".

So he took her back for another look.
My career as a Samaritans volunteer was short lived. The first caller was a depressed homosexual. Perhaps I shouldn't have laughed and call him a suicide bummer!

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