All Jokes

I got back from work today and said to my girlfriend, "Guess, who got fired today?"

"Oh, no!" She shrieked. "Don't tell me it's you."

"No, it's you," I replied, "I've got myself a pay rise."
On the eve of the historic referendum vote in Scotland, I would like to wish every hope of success for the future to my friends North of the border. Now is the moment when you can take destiny into your hands, cradle it like the precious, delicate egg that it is and walk forwards with your head held high with patriotic pride. This isn't the first opportunity that you've had for independence but it will probably be the last we see in our lifetimes - don't squander it.

One final thought: It may not happen for you tomorrow. The campaign of fear, uncertainty and doubt peddled by the cronies of Westminster may sway a small minority of voters but chances are, should you fail to achieve the required majority, it will be down to the fact that less than 50% of you know how to spell 'X'.
My wife bought a tube of KY gel from the chemists and I thought after all these years she was finally going to let me do her up the arse.

I waited in bed in anticipation and all I can say is, it's a shit way of finding out your son is gay.

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