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I was trying a pair of trousers on in a shop when the assistant asked : "Do they fit?"

"They aren't dancing trousers are they?" I replied

"What do you mean" he enquired

"They haven't got any ballroom" I said
Apparently the Captain of plane A302 tried to smash down the cockpit door with an axe.

Maybe if the crew had spent less time recreating scenes from 'The Shining' and more time concentrating on flying it wouldn't have crashed.
The captain knocked on the door, but he was met with a stony silence.

"Can you open the door, please? he asked, but there was no reply.

Realising something was wrong, the captain knocked harder and louder.

"Open this door, NOW!" he shouted.

He banged and screamed for another couple of minutes, until he finally got a response.

"Fuck off, Stevie. That red card cost us the match."

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