All Jokes

I was telling my mate about me inventing a time machine.

"Wow, that's amazing," he beamed.

"Not really," I sobbed. "I dialled in a random time, travelled there, fucked some girl called Mary, then came home to find out I've ruined the world."
My wife has left me because I'm always confusing metaphors.

It's only a matter of time before she come crawling back.

Like... does the Pope shit in the woods.
"Son,are you gay?" Asked my worried blonde wife.

He replied, "No mum,I've got a girlfriend for fuck sake."

To which she turned to me and said,"Oh dear God Dave,our son is a lesbian."

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