All Jokes

I had the sad news of having to inform my wife that her father had died.

So I've decided to break it to her as gentle as I can and ease into it slowly.

Now I just need to find a way to get her to wear her black dress and veil within the next 6 hours and get her in the car.
I told the missus that I donated sperm.

"I'm surprised," she smiled.

"Why?" I asked.

"I never knew you had any!" she laughed.

I said, "I do, trust me. Just ask your sister."
My wife looked out the window and saw me making weird hand gestures.

She asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

I replied, "Just grabbing some air."
My wife keeps threatening to leave me unless I get a job and start losing weight.

She can fuck right off, if only she knew about the sexy Russian woman that keep sending me emails.
The parents of Zion, the small black kid who has had both hands transplanted have slammed the doctors who did the operation.
His mum said "Fancy giving him a pair of black hands, If they had given him white hands he may have been less tempted to steal other peoples shit"
David Cameron has been criticised for the language he used when addressing the migrant problem facing Britain today as a 'swarm'.

Unfair. If he'd have also mentioned introducing 'Jungle Strength' Repellant, the metaphor would have worked fine.

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