All Jokes

I was late in to work for the third day in a row and called in to the managers office, I said. "Before you sack me let me tell you boss I fucked your wife I fucked your mother I fucked your sister and she was minging and fuck you I quit".

"That's a shame I was just going to give you a pay rise," he replied.
I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, "They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don't want to moon them."
I told my boss, "I saw a man keying your car."

"What did you do?" he asked aggressively.

"Well once he was done," I replied, "I asked him for my keys."
A man has appeared in court accusing of murdering a community safety campaigner who was stabbed to death during the morning rush hour.

Lessons can be learned from this.

Take what she said, and do the opposite.
"There's something wrong with my cat, but it's a bit difficult to explain," I said to the vet.

But before I could even try, lasers shot out of Mr Whiskers' eyes again, vapourising him instantly.

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