All Jokes

Scientists are now using programming to create ideal images of the "most beautiful" types of men and women.

Not suprisingly, all the faces they are coming up with are white !!
ITV. Save money making 'I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!' by using video footage from paedophile prison wings in the UK.

SAVE time waiting at the atm queue by holding a banana in your coat pocket and wearing a balaclava.

LIFEGUARDS. Keep your eye out for synchronised swimmers. If one starts drowning you're in for a long afternoon.

AN empty match box makes a clever little carry case for zippo lighters.

SEX OFFENDERS. Avoid detection from police by getting a job at the BBC

BRIGHTEN up a Tesco sales assistent's day when they ask if you have a club card by presenting them with the Ace of Clubs.

MAKE lunch time at the park more fun by emulating a game of ring toss using leftover onion rings and throwing them over hungry pigeons heads.

TRICK your imaginary friend into thinking you've gone away for the weekend by hiding under your car for three days.

CONVINCE tough guys you're a member of Fight Club by not talking about it.

US MILITARY. Keep your plans away from the enemy by flying in tap dancers to deliver the orders in morse code while entertaining troops.

CORONERS. Save money on dictaphones by placing a parrot on your shoulder during autopsies.

PRETEND you're in a quiz show when checking into a hotel by quickly ringing the bell before answering each of the receptionist's questions.

SPRINKLE pepper behind curtains and under beds in your house to get the upper hand searching for guests when playing hide and seek.

ANNOY newsagent staff when they say 'Do you think this is a library?' by replying 'Shsh!'

REDUCE your carbon footprint by not using your breath to shine shoes.

AN empty cornflakes box becomes the ideal storage unit for an out of date telephone book.

PROTECT yourself from killer doctors by walking into their office carrying a bowl of apples.

BALD MEN. Convince the ladies you're not wearing a wig by sprinkling washing powder on your shoulders.

SNAKES. Imagine you're a dinosaur by sticking your head out of the spout of a plastic watering can.

THE rim of a sombrero makes a great indoor cycling circuit for beetle athletes.
MET detectives have announced that they are investigating claims that controversial MP Enoch Powell took part in Satanic child sex abuse rituals.

Unbelievable. Just when I thought that man couldn't get any more perfect!

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