All Jokes

Police are investigating after the gruesome discovery of a severed head among washing in a back garden.

The man's been described as detached but would happily put his neck on the line for anyone.
My dad was the kind of guy who comes into people's life and leave footprints.

Probably why he's in jail for rape.
A beautiful blonde kept watching me in the pub last night. She walked up to me and said "Do you want to get me a drink?."

"Certainly." I said with a smile, "What would you like?"

"Get me the manager" she said, "this is the third time I've ordered."
My friend told me to keep an eye out as it was bound to rain cats and dogs.

Turns out she was pulling my leg. I felt like such an idiom!
Abdul contacted the soul of his cousin Ahmed, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber, through a spiritual séance. Abdul wanted to know whether the Jihad legend about the 72 virgins was true.

Abdul: Hey brother, how is the social life there?

Ahmed: It is amazing brother. I can pick any female. They do not object. Both males and females roam around naked. Nobody bothers. I do it round the clock. It's ultimate sex.

Abdul: Holy shit. Is that how heaven is?

Ahmed: No bro. Not heaven. I am reborn as a street dog in Karachi.
My Scottish wife said to me, "I'm no longer happy in this marriage. I'm leaving you with the kids."

"Calm down," I said. "Can we first do something about this?"

"Like what?" she asked.

I said, "Let's cast a vote."

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