All Jokes

What does Jimmy Savile and the Westboro Baptist Church have in common with minors, screwing them up since 1955.
My racist friend said shalom to my Jewish friend and I didn't know if I should slap him or laugh, so i decided to do both and slap the Jew then laugh when he ran off crying.
I found my gay son in his room with 500 cigarettes the other day.

He said "I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean for you to find out".

I replied "I am shocked. How could this happen"?

He then said "I'm sorry for smoking, Dad".

Then I said "I'm not shocked about you smoking, I'm shocked at how there can be 501 fags in one room at once".
I'm a massive fan of Stephen Fry, I never miss an episode of QI and I watch every documentary he's in.
I love the guy so much, I ordered enough full sized statues of him to fill my garden, sixteen of them.
On the day the wagon of Stephens was due, I was so excited I spent all morning on my doorstep waiting for it.
When it eventually pulled up outside my house however, I realised there had been an awful mistake.

They'd sent the Hugh lorry.
I was on my way home from work and my wife rang me and frantically said:

"I was cooking dinner and I knocked a pan of boiling water all over myself, I've got severe burns to my arms and legs, what shall I do Steve?"

So I said "If you boil some water in the kettle and pour that into the saucepan you should be able to get the rice cooked in time, I'll be home in 10 minutes babe"
There was a knock on Kate and Gerry Mccann's door.
Standing there was a young girl, around 13.
Kate instantly hugged her and exclaimed,
"Madeline, where have you been!?"
Madeline held up a paper bag from McDonald's, "Picking up this cheeseburger for 99p"

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