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I'll always remember my first experience fingering, it changed me forever.

I was a bit hesitant at first - the soft, damp warmth was like nothing I'd ever felt - but soon enough I was getting two in there and finding a decent rhythm. I thought I'd never get used to the smell, yet after only a few minutes I was a convert; pulling out my fingers at regular intervals just to sniff at or suck on hungrily. Without a hand so much as gracing my cock, I was full mast - my erection achingly hard. Any second I was about to blow my load, with a climax that was sure to make me cry out in ecstasy...

That's when I heard an angry banging on the door, "Look son, are you going to be done soon? You've been in there ages and I need a shower before work."
My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with the dictionary.

So I told the cantankerous rambunctious nincompoop to absquatulate.
I was discussing the Oscar Pistorius case with my mate and he said, "I don't buy it. If you woke up in the middle of the night and heard someone moving around in the toilet, what's the first thing you'd do before you started pumping bullets through the door?"

I replied, "Well, first of all I'd make damn sure it was the wife in there."

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