All Jokes

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
Did you hear about the black couple who had the runs after a hot Indian meal?

Not as in 'The shits'..but as in "Fuck paying,let's get the fuck out of here."
"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.
"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."
"It's not too late," I reassured him.
"You think?" He brightened.
"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff."
A beautiful blonde kept looking over at me in the pub last night. She walked up to me and said "Do you want to get me a drink?."

"Certainly." I said with a smile, "What would you like?"

"Get me the manager" she said, "this is the third fucking time I've ordered."
Austerity has finally caught up with the arts. The autumn programme for the Fairfield Halls at Croydon will include "The 29 Steps", a production of Vivaldi called "The Three Seasons", and the Christmas pantomime will be "Snow White And The Five Dwarfs".

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