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| There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again.' |    |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > French - Tagged french , english , kiss , train , claudia schiffer , slap - Current Score: 781 - Added: 1 year, 11 months ago
| A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius. My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K. | |
Joke by tricyclic_looper, in Jokes with no home > Science - Tagged absolute zero , zero kelvin , 0k , okay , minus 273 degrees celsius - Current Score: 775 - Added: 1 month, 28 days ago
| Did you hear about the new emo website? www.emo.com/wrists | |
Joke by liamliam98, in Religion and racism > Emo - Tagged emo , wrists , slash - Current Score: 770 - Added: 5 months, 15 days ago
| Apparently Jade's cancer is eating away at her brain now. Poor thing...it must be fucking starving | |
Joke by eatmeat, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged cancer , jade - Current Score: 769 - Added: 3 months, 27 days ago
| Jade Goody – A Biography (taken from the News of The World) 1. She faced court action over thousands of pounds of unpaid rent. 2. Just hours after arriving (on Big Brother), she had flashed one of her boobs and left viewers stunned with a torrent of foul language. 3. Jade was a figure of ridicule. She was branded a “pig”, two-faced and ignorant. Rival contestants labelled her “thick” and “ugly”. 4. Viewers switched on to watch tipsy Jade strip off during a drinking game to flash her “kebab”. 5. She thought East Anglia was called East Angular, and that it was somewhere near Tunisia. And she reckoned Rio de Janeiro was a person. 6. Jade kept trotting out the clangers . . . Mona Lisa was painted by “Pistachio”, Mother Teresa was from Germany, Portugal was “in Spain” and “Saddam Hussein was a boxer”. 7. Jade put it best herself when she confessed: “I may not be the sharpest tool in the sandwich box.” 8. “If I hadn’t made it on Big Brother I would probably have been living in a council flat with my mum.” 9. Lapping up the publicity, she once told a reporter she planned to dedicate a room in her house to all her front-page covers. 10. She started dating Jack Tweed. Jade had spotted him in a nightclub before, but had no idea he was six years her junior. She was smitten from the start, and the couple had sex on their first date at London’s Sanderson Hotel. 11. Their romance was to be played out in the full glare of the public when they both went into the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2007—joined by Jade’s mum Jackiey. But the programme that made Jade almost broke her this time as she became embroiled in a race row with Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. She ranted at the actress: “You’re not some princess in f*****g Neverland. I don’t give a s**t. You’re a normal housemate like everybody else. You need to come to terms with that.” She added: “Go back to the slums and find out what real life is about lady.” 12. Later Jade confessed she wanted to headbutt the Indian actress and branded her “Shilpa Poppadom”. 13. Jade’s popularity nosedived overnight and Ofcom received a staggering 45,000 complaints. Her perfume was removed from the shelves and her autobiography dropped by publishers. 14. She then contracted cancer and turned out to be a fucking saint. The end | |
Joke by buntycaws, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged racist , death , cancer , stupid , nice , jade , horrible , goody , evil , saint - Current Score: 768 - Added: 3 months, 19 days ago
| I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you're next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals. | |
Joke by Mrwolf, in Illness and mortality > Old People - Tagged death , funeral , wedding , aunt - Current Score: 767 - Added: 2 years, 0 months ago
| Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights. She stood up to oppression. She stood up to dictatorship. But I bet the fuck she wished she never stood up to wave. | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Celebrity and news events > Benazir Bhutto - Tagged wave , human rights , oppression , dictatorship - Current Score: 766 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager. "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out." The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it,shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him." Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on". "Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager. "Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch. "You there Boss?" | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > Not Sure - Tagged police , aboriginal , pig - Current Score: 757 - Added: 2 years, 0 months ago
| I was going to go down to London to protest today, but I can`t because I have a job and shower daily. | |
Joke by serial bastard, in Celebrity and news events > G20 - Tagged scum , dole , scruffy , protesters , g20 , drain on society , get a fucking wash hippies - Current Score: 756 - Added: 3 months ago
| An Italian walked over a library. | |
Joke by GIZZARD, in Celebrity and news events > Earthquakes - Tagged italian , library - Current Score: 753 - Added: 2 months, 26 days ago
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