I love going gay clubbing!
My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
I took the wife out earlier.
This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.
It's called the face.
Anyone who says onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip!
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.
These taser guns are well worth the money.
I walked into Travis Perkins at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the fucker out.
At the beach I saw four sandcastles that had been made by some children.
So I ran up and jumped on one of them.
Then I wrecked his sandcastle.
I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night, during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.
Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
I went for a self-defence class last night.
The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me."
So, when I saw him in Sainsbury's the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head.
I've just been given a six months suspension from football.
I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs. I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.
He was getting into his car at the time. 62