My favourite game is Grand Theft Auto, you can do virtually anything.
I was able to experience raping a child, robbing a charity shop and killing a Jew with my steel crowbar.
Then I went home to play Grand Theft Auto.
"I've got a new nickname for you," I told my wife today.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Bambi," I replied.
"Aww, is that 'cos I've got beautiful eyes?" she asked.
"No, it's because I've just killed your mum," I replied.
My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat. He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition I'll have to take them into the backyard and kill them with a brick.
I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass.
The fucking dog had dug her up again.
My mother said to me at dinner last week that I overreact too much to criticism.
So I shot her.
In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain".
Silly bitch should have gone to Portugal, she would have got away with it there.
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl.
She keeps it in the fridge.
Did you hear about the Tesco van running over a family of four pakis?
Every little helps!
BBC News: Jo Yeates' body was missing sock
How on Earth did the police mistake a discarded sock for a human body?