When I have sex with my girlfriend I think about my grandma to help me last longer.
Which is weird because she's dead.
And so is my grandma.
I'm not a fan of anal sex with dead people anymore.
In fact, I only did it once in a blue moon.
You know it was a wild night when you raped and murdered someone and you can't remember what order it went in.
After years of deception, I decided to finally try being truthful with my wife. "Darling," I began, "I sometimes dream of having anal sex with our daughter."
"Over my dead fucking body!" she screamed.
Apparently, she knows me better than I thought.
I had a terrible dream about me going to the fridge and it being empty. I woke up screaming and ran to the fridge. I felt a great relief when I opened it and my daughter was still in there.
When I woke up this morning the wife was cold, blue and didn't appear to be breathing.
I called NHS 24 and the woman on the phone said "Have you tried doing anything yet? "
"Just a bit of doggy" I replied
I've had sex with about 31 women in my life, and not one has had an orgasm.
I really need to stop killing them first.
I think my wife's been cheating on me with an undertaker.
I could swear her clothes were on when she died.
I love to do jobs in my basement.
I hope nobody realises that Steve's coffin is empty.
My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during orgasm?"
I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend,"
"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"
I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."