Stalking Jokes

A girl from work asked if I'd drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily.
I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, "How did you know where I lived?"
My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.
Candles were lit, there was some chillout music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.
I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.
I watched her for a while, the woman of my dreams; she was wearing a short sleeveless dress, her hair tied back exposing a beautiful neck, and she hummed as she chopped vegetables.
I realised then how much I loved her.

"Hi, babe," I said.

She screamed and dropped the knife. "Who the fuck are you and how did you get in?!"
Just got a restraining order from a judge. I'm not allowed to be within 20 miles of a beautiful woman I've been stalking.

Not a bad outcome: in order for me to comply, I must know where she is all the time.