Seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.
Apparently at 40 there's an 80% chance I'll kill a child.
I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol...
...my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you
The more you have the longer you live
My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of amazing oral sex.
But oh no, not MY mum.
My bastard little son wants a Transformer for his birthday.
Don't get me wrong, it's not the money - I can pick one up at Jewsons for about £50.
It's just that the little cunt is only 7,
What the fuck does he have that runs on 110v?
"Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"
After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."
"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out."
I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box, wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift.
Top tip: make sure the dog isn't inside when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver.
My nephew was over the moon with his new remote control car. 34