So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on the Sunday?
Just in time for half price Easter eggs. Typical fucking Jew.
I love Jesus.
He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.
Whenever I'm in doubt, I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
Then I remember Jesus got crucified, so his decision making skills obviously weren't brilliant.
I couldn't afford to buy all my kids Easter eggs, and I didn't want them to wake up disappointed this morning.
So I killed them in their sleep.
Why is Easter an Alzheimer patient's favourite holiday?
They get to hide their own eggs.
What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?
"Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday."
I think it's great that the supermarkets are doing 'Buy One Get One Free' on Easter eggs now.
It's brilliant, because if you're in a relationship, you can get one each for you and your partner, and if you're a single woman, you can have both and try to eat away the loneliness.
Today's the day Judas realised his April Fools joke had gone too far.
My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter.
The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.
Find it funny how when Jesus 'came back from the dead' people rejoiced.
But you come back after a canoeing trip, suddenly you're the bad guy.