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Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people. |
 
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I just explained Google images to my mum. "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked. "Except that." I replied. |
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Joke
submitted by pedro pongo, originally by Twitter @cluedont in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 535.4
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I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?" I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt." |
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I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register. Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street. |
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"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge." "That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?" "Yes please." "To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?" |
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I went to see a house earlier with period features. My wife hates it when I call her that... |
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Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust. He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook. I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much. |
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My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed. "No," I said, "I'm their coach." |
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there. |
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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Huge tits. |
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