Similar Jokes

Whilst watching the news with my wife last night the story about the, would be, airplane suicide bombers came on.

‘108 years in jail,’ she said. ‘ God, that’s along time. How much time in jail do you think they would have got if they actually did it.’ She asked.

Astounded, I turned to her,’ They were fucking suicide bombers. If they actually did it they would be dead.’

She giggled. ‘Oh, yeah.’

Call me shallow but it’s amazing what deficiencies a cracking pair of tits and a fetish for bum fun can make up for.
I was in the pub with my wife last night when a bloke approached me in the toilets.

"£200 to sleep with your wife" he said.

"£200?" I laughed. "Sorry pal, it's a nice offer but I don't carry that sort of money around with me."
I was at the pub with my wife last night.
She asked me, "Who would you say I remind you of when I'm singing on the karaoke?"
I said she reminded me most of Adele.
She said, "Ahhh thanks hun."
I said, "No worries fatty."
i had sex with my wife last night. it wasn't the same.she didn't put much effort in and i felt it was just me.
to be honest i should have woken her up...
On the sofa with my wife last night:

Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion.

Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?

Me: No...

Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?

Me: No...

Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered?

Me: No...

Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...

Me: No...

Wife: Oh, alright, why then?

Me: You smell of onion.
I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night.

She said, "Fucking hell you smelly bastard, have you farted?"

I said, "No I haven't you cheeky bitch".

She said, "I bet you fifty quid that you have".

So I showed her my pants and said, "See it wasn't a fart, fifty quid please!"
I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night.

I said, "Look, our goldfish is dying."

She said, "You'll have to put him down."

"Don't be stupid" I replied, "It's only a goldfish."

"Just get him back in fucking the tank!" she shouted.
I was in the pub with my mates last night when suddenly I received a text from my wife.

It said: 'I want you to come home now and have sex with me blindfolded xxx'

What a stupid idea that was, I got hit by a fucking car.
I was in the pub with my mate last night when he walked off to the toilet leaving his phone on the table.

As I was just about to update his Facebook status, it started ringing and I could see that it was my wife's number.

"Hello?" I said, answering it.

"Hey sexy," she purred, "I'm currently masturbating on the bed and I want you to come here and fuck me."

"You silly bitch," I said, "Why didn't you just ring my phone?"