Similar Jokes

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.

Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.

"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.

The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.

Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.

I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."

After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"

"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."
I put a porn film on to watch with my wife last night, but about halfway through, just as the delivery boy was plunging his cock deep into Jenna Jameson's arse, she said, "Stop the movie, I can't watch it anymore".

"What's wrong?" I asked, laughing at her, "Is a little bit of on screen anal too graphic for you?"

"No, it's not that at all", she replied, "I just can't bear to think of that pizza going cold."
It may come across as a primitive annoying instrument that you'd love to beat a nigger to death with, but the Vevezula is actually a piece of technological genius.

It's shape has been carefully designed to generate the exact pitch and tone necessary to drown out the screams of western women as they are raped on mass at football matches.
I was sat in a doctors clinic with my wife the other day, and things weren't going well.
The doctor turned to me, and with a stern voice, told me that if I don't lose 250lbs as soon as possible, I may not live to see next christmas.
My wife was naturally distraught, so I started to drive the long way home through a scenic forest to help everything sink in.

As I turned a corner, I pushed the fat bitch out, and got on the phone to tell my doctor the good news.
I was on Amazon the other day, buying my wife some new black gloves, i didn't really know what else to get her, so i just went with 'What other people who bought this item bought' with out really looking. Turns out a balaclava and a baseball bat isn't what she was looking for..
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
I was round our black neighbours house with my wife for a mourning.

As my wife comforted the 10 year old whose mother had just died
the girl sobbingly said "I just know that my ma has turned into an angel and is watching over us"

suddenly a bat flew in through the window,
"There she is!" I said

It was my cue to leave.