I put a porn film on to watch with my wife last night, but about halfway through, just as the delivery boy was plunging his cock deep into Jenna Jameson's arse, she said, "Stop the movie, I can't watch it anymore".
"What's wrong?" I asked, laughing at her, "Is a little bit of on screen anal too graphic for you?"
"No, it's not that at all", she replied, "I just can't bear to think of that pizza going cold."
I was sat in a doctors clinic with my wife the other day, and things weren't going well.
The doctor turned to me, and with a stern voice, told me that if I don't lose 250lbs as soon as possible, I may not live to see next christmas.
My wife was naturally distraught, so I started to drive the long way home through a scenic forest to help everything sink in.
As I turned a corner, I pushed the fat bitch out, and got on the phone to tell my doctor the good news.
I was on Amazon the other day, buying my wife some new black gloves, i didn't really know what else to get her, so i just went with 'What other people who bought this item bought' with out really looking. Turns out a balaclava and a baseball bat isn't what she was looking for..
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half-wit."