Similar Jokes

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
I was taking a shit in a public toilet today when I noticed a cock slowly emerge from a hole in the wall.

Which was handy because I'd run out of toilet paper and needed something to wipe with.
My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.

The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."

"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"

She said, "Three days ago."

Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"
I was driving home from work when I got a phone call from my son.

He said, "I think mummy is dying. She's been screaming since I got home from school."

"Oh my god," I replied. "Okay, don't panic. Just talk to her for me, alright?"

He said, "I can't, she's locked herself in the bedroom with another man."
I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.

I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.

In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.

He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"

I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'
A guy doing surveys approached me earlier. He said, "Can I ask you a few questions?"

"Yes," I replied.

He said, "Have you ever been unnecessarily attacked?"

"No," I laughed.

Then he smacked me in the face with his clipboard.