I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
I was taking a shit in a public toilet today when I noticed a cock slowly emerge from a hole in the wall.
Which was handy because I'd run out of toilet paper and needed something to wipe with.
I was having a Shit in the job centre today, when I noticed there was no toilet paper.
It made a bit of a blotch on my C.V.
My daughter was playing Just Dance in the living room today when my wife decided to have a go.
They're both now playing it in our new basement.
Everything was going so well in the driving range today until some cunt smashed in my windscreen with a golf ball.
My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.
The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."
"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"
She said, "Three days ago."
Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"
I was driving home from work when I got a phone call from my son.
He said, "I think mummy is dying. She's been screaming since I got home from school."
"Oh my god," I replied. "Okay, don't panic. Just talk to her for me, alright?"
He said, "I can't, she's locked herself in the bedroom with another man."
I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'
A guy in a wheelchair sped over my foot today in the town.
"You better watch where you're going next time." I told him.
He said, "I'm handicapped, you can't do anything."
I said, "No, you're handicapped, you can't do anything."
A guy doing surveys approached me earlier. He said, "Can I ask you a few questions?"
"Yes," I replied.
He said, "Have you ever been unnecessarily attacked?"
"No," I laughed.
Then he smacked me in the face with his clipboard.