Similar Jokes

My wife confessed all to me earlier that she's been having a lesbian affair. She still has feelings for me and has decided that she just needs some time alone to think.

I told her that it's okay and all will be forgiven if I can watch next time.

"Dave"! She exclaimed. "How could you suggest such a thing"?

"Oh c'mon"! I replied, "Don't fucking act like you're the one being hard done by here, either I get to watch, or it's over".

"For fuck sake Dave, she's your sister".
The people I hate most in life are the people that can't take responsibility for their own actions...

Like the girl I ran over on the zebra crossing this morning.

She didn't even look out of her pram, for fuck's sake!
I was on Habbo Hotel the other week when I met this 12 year old girl, we have been speaking non stop since then. Shes asked me to meet up with her in person. I'm shitting it, thinking of a plan to get out of my house without my parents finding out, they're always stressing to me that I may not be talking to who I think I am on the Interenet.

I've decided to go. I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I'm 43 for fuck sake.
I came home from a drunken night out with Katie Price last week, I was so pissed i could barely stand. She stripped naked lay down on the floor closed her eyes and raised a finger enticing me over. I threw my clothes off in anticipation and made my way over to her. Unfortunately i was so drunk i tripped and crashed to the floor.

Shuffling her body slightly she moaned ''For fuck sake is that it, I can't feel a thing.''

''Sorry Katie,'' I said,''Give me a minute to remove my leg and i will try my penis.''
After there recent bust up Fergie calls an emergency meeting with Rooney.

"Wayne, is there anything I can do to make you stay?

"Well there is one thing boss: you must have read in the paper that I'm partial to a bit of talent - the older the better."

The next day Ferguson phones Rooney.

"I don't want this getting out Wayne, but I've organised a little something for you, be at Old Trafford in half an hour."

Rooney arrives with a semi and is met by Ferguson who takes him through to the hospitality suite. He opens the door, licking his lips in anticipation and sees a figure stretching out on the sofa.

"For fuck's sake, I didn't mean Scholes boss."
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: 'Darling, would you give me a blow job?'

Horrified, she replies 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!'

Him: 'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?'
Her: 'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?'
Him: 'Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!'
Her: 'No way. It's just too risky!'
Him (horny as hell): 'Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?'
Her: 'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!'
Him: 'Oh yes you can. Please?'
Her: 'No, no. I just can't'
Him: 'I beg you ... '

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's 13 year old sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: 'Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for fuck sake! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom...'
Got divorced last year and felt lonely ever since in the house myself trying to manage everything. Decided it would be a good idea to try personal adds in the newspaper so i sent one in.

Lonely man seeks wife.

I got over a thousand replies all men saying for fuck sake take mine.