Similar Jokes

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what will I be?

Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me...

"Shut up you little cunt, Eastenders is on."
TV > Soap
My Auntie has a son Steve with Tourette's, I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday.

Steve and I were sitting waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, "open the door, you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again, "open the fucking door, you stupid cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond, so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up, "you useless cunt, open the fucking door."

At which point, to my relief, my aunty came into the room and said, "don't worry, dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock-knock joke."
I had a terrifying night last night, a halloween I won't forget in a hurry. This gargoyle type of hideous monster came banging on my door screaming like a witch and howling like a werewolf.

How many fucking time have I got to tell the wife, if you're going out on the piss... take your fucking keys !
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
There must be pure banter between Harry and Ron musn't there?

Harry: Fuck off you ginger cunt, i'm shagging your sister.

Ron: Shut up you speccy twat, your mums dead.