These are genuine quotes from TV presenter Richard Madeley, the man half (debatable) of formidable TV duo 'Richard and Judy'.
'I really love ducks - they've always got a smile on their face.'
'Will the gentleman with one nipple please reveal it?'
'Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!' - To mindreader Derren Brown
You then got a letter. It said: "Blood isn't thicker than water. I didn't want you then and I don't want you now. I've got a family of my own and you're not it. Get lost."- To a woman abandoned by her mum as a baby
'Do you think it's time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?'
'You looked as if your head was going to come off!'- To a guest struggling to control a stutter.
'So, Jane, when did you first realise that you were quite clearly mad?'- To a psychiatric patient
'I've never met a single woman who's happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I've never met her.'
'Weren't you once a storytelling raccoon in a theme park? What sort of stories did you have to tell as a raccoon? Did you have a special raccoon voice?'- to actress Claire Goose
'If you saw a mink with an electrode sticking out of its anus, would you wear it as a hat?'
'Maybe it was for the best.'- To a woman who missed out after her usual numbers won £928,000 on the lottery
'I understand you have a little lad of 12. Is he a boy or a girl?'
'Hello baldy!'- Greeting a young leukaemia sufferer
'If I could throw a fishing rod into the corridors of time and reel you in, you'd throttle you, wouldn't you?'- To punk legend John Lydon
'Five stone? Wow, that's concentration camp thin that is.'- To an anorexic teenager
'I've never met anyone who thought Sherlock Holmes invented the toilet. You're quite sharp. It's just that in the pure sense of the word, you're ignorant.'- To BB star Jade Goody
My son asked me if we could have a tree this Christmas.
I told him I didn't want to pay for a tree and that's that.
He wouldn't stop asking though, every five minutes he wanted to know why we couldn't have a tree.
In the end I grabbed my axe and stormed out of the house.
Ten minuted later I returned with an eight foot Christmas tree.
"Wow," said my son. "You cut that down quick."
"Son," I replied, "I didn't cut it down, I got it from the local shop."
He looked puzzled and said, "Why did you take the axe then?"
"I told you, I didn't want to pay for a Christmas tree."
When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a Cunt!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Cunt!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1.
"You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.
Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, Cunt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
"Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
So i've been suffering with erectile disfunction recently, so much so that all of the viagra and Brazzers previews I could get my hands on did nothing to reduce my cocks flaccidity.
I had just about given up when I saw a video of an absolutely stunning blonde posing for the camera. Within seconds of her looking up at the camera with those big eyes I was nursing a raging hard on, and suddenly floods of jizz shot out of my cock like a civil rights hose when she bit her lip, the little tart.
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........