I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
After the condom broke i took my girlfriend to the CVS for the morning after pill, i parked in the spot designated for "expecting mothers"....i thought it was fucking hilarious.....she started to cry
My girlfriend says our sex life reminds her of a film
I laughed and said "what the hangover"
She replies no "fast and furious"
After hours of begging and grovelling my girlfriend for a blowjob I finally cracked and screamed at her;
'Is this because Claire invited me to the duckdoo and not you?'
'What the fuck's a duckdoo?' She replied
I was driving home from work when I got a phone call from my son.
He said, "I think mummy is dying. She's been screaming since I got home from school."
"Oh my god," I replied. "Okay, don't panic. Just talk to her for me, alright?"
He said, "I can't, she's locked herself in the bedroom with another man."
Just heard them saying on Talk Sport that they're expecting a lot of boos at the England match tonight.
Fucking hell, keep it down boys, if Gazza finds out he'll be filing through the bars in his cell at the Priory.
Apparently, Gaddafi has released an audio recording saying that he is somewhere that we cannot reach. He also called the UN taskforce the "cowardly crusaders".
Now, I'm no expert on cowardice, but I don't think the yellow bastard who runs and hides somewhere that other people can't get to is in the best position to call other people cowards.
My wife is a lot like my hoover; Getting old, losing suction, getting less frequently turned on and I'm thinking of replacing the old bag.
My girlfriend has a phobia of paedophiles. Quite strange that I met her in a chat room then...
Ironic that the organization giving out updates on the pip breast implants is called the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons or baaps for short