Similar Jokes

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
Exam tomorrow, how awful. Sitting there for am hour, getting horny whilst watching all the girls sat in front of me. I haven't wanked in days, it's horrible. I just can't ever find a way to hide my erections in class either. And the girl I have a crush on is sitting right infront of me as well, it can't get much worse than that.
Damn I hate being a teacher.
I was sat waiting for the start of the football last night when my wife said, "The team in white will win."

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

She said, "Well, look at the size of them compared to the team stood in front of them."

"You stupid bitch, that's not the other team. They're the mascots."
In an effort to help ease racial tensions, I just began a conversation with the Muslim sat in front of me on the bus...

He isn't saying much, but I can see that my touching sentiment and friendly pat on the back have really made him tick.

Actually I can hear it........Oh fuck.
As I look at my dear old grandad's rocking chair, sat empty by the window,
I take a little comfort in knowing he's now in a better place.


Next to the fire, right in front of the telly, the Jammy cunt.
That Government advert about thinking while driving in fog is a load of shit. I was driving in fog the other night and so started thinking about my girlfriends tits and crashed in to the fucking car in front of me.
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, saying that he's got a part for him in an upcoming play.
"You'll have to go to an audition, but it's just one line - 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'" says the agent.
So the actor goes to the audition, stands in front of the director and loudly proclaims "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!".
The director says that he's brilliant and has got the part; all he needs to do is turn up on the night, after the interval, as his line is right at the start of the second act.
On the night of the play the actor is running late due to traffic. He runs up to the theatre, but a bouncer stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're late, get to make-up quickly!"
The actor rushes up to make-up, where a woman stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're late, we'd better get you into your costume!"
So the actor is dressed and his make-up done, before he rushes to the side of the stage, where a stage-hand stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're about to go on, you've arrived just in time!"
So the actor steps out in front of the audience, the spotlight upon him. Suddenly, there is a very loud bang behind him, and the actor shouts,

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"
My wife said she wants to be a Bond girl.

So i glued her feet to the kitchen floor, in front of the sink.