Similar Jokes

I slipped into an uneasy sleep this Christmas Eve, worrying about my cancelled appointment at the clinic.

Midway through the night, I was paid a visit by the ghost of Christmas Past. "You have made many mistakes in your life," he said and showed me all the bad I had done in my life. I pretended to care.

Sleep followed until I was awoken again by the ghost of Christmas Present. He proceeded to show me my life as a lonely batchelor - strip clubs, endless women, plenty of cash. Yeah, ask me if I'm unhappy, I thought.

"I am the last visitor this evening," he concluded. "Think carefully about what you have witnessed."

"Hang on," I said, "What about the ghost of Christmas Future?"

"Ah," he replied, "The future, yes. He said there was no point. Something about results from a clinic appointment?"
I met a girl in a club on the weekend, I gave her my number and she called me the next day. She said to me "come back to my house there is no-one there". So I went to her house, knocked on the door and guess what-There was no fucker there!!
My mate just asked, "What's the best way to pick up a woman?"

I said, "Bend your knees and keep your back straight."
My mate just said "Your wife looks terrible, she's covered in bruises. What happened?"

"I knocked her off a cliff."

"That's a bit harsh" he said, "what made you do that?"

"Cliff's our neighbour."