Similar Jokes

After being single for the last five years and still living at home, I said to my mother that I had a schoolboy crush! My mother seemed very happy for me, and told me to go for it!

Two weeks later, she realised her mistake.
I can remember the night all so vividly, I had caught the later train as I was buying my son a birthday present so he could open it the next day. The taxi queue was really long, so I decided to take the short cut through the park as it saves about ten minutes. My wife is always telling me she'll pick me up if it means me not walking through there. If only I had waited for a Taxi or given her a call things might have turned out different. I could sense someone was behind me, before I had a chance to look round, I felt a knife in my back. The woman ordered me into the bushes and warned me if I did anything stupid she would kill me. She forced my trousers down and took my cock out, she was tossing me off trying to make me hard as she licked my balls. As she was riding me up and down you think about your family, your children and the things you haven't said to people, but in all honesty only one thought was going through my mind.

What's all the fuss about ladies!
I was walking home completely steaming drunk when I realised I left some of my clothes in the bar.

I walked back, grabbed my jacket and t-shirt then said to the barmaid, "Sorry love, I forgot these."

When I got home, I said to my wife, laughing, "You'll never guess what I did tonight?"

She looked at me angrily, and replied, "Lost your jeans and boxers?"
Just watching ITV and they introduced the film E.T. saying you should be sat on the sofa with a box of tissues and quilt wrapped round you. I jokingly said to my mate, "You'd be a bit fucked up to wank over E.T."

Then I realised it's got a 9-year old Drew Barrymore in it. Wanktastic!
I was in a clothes shop and I saw this ridiculous multi-coloured hoodie with extra pockets and writing all over it. I said to my mate, "Who the fuck would buy that?"

This black guy overheard and said "You whiteboys wouldn't understand, some things only look good on brothers."

I said "What, like chalk outlines and toe tags?"
"You know", I said to my wife, "sometimes two rights can make a wrong."

"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked.

"Well you took two right turns and now you are in a field", I explained.
My son got caught having sex with a girl in the college grounds today.

The teacher phoned me and the girl's parents to come in and have a chat.

When I got into the office and saw everyone sitting down, I said to my son, "I'm very disappointed in you, son. You have really let me down!"

He said, "I'm sorry, Dad."

I said, "I mean, you could have done so much fucking better. Look, she's not even remotely attractive!"
"I'll rub, and then you squirt" I said to my wife in the bedroom last night,

we had the polishing done in no time.
"I've just been out and bought your Christmas present," I said to my wife when I got home last Saturday.

"You're holding a pig on a lead," she replied furiously. "What the hell made you think that I'd want a pig for Christmas?"

"Don't worry, the pig's not your present," I laughed. "I just took him along to give me a rough idea of your size."