I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
I paid a hundred quid to join one of those fuck buddy dating sites, it's a bit of a lottery as most of the woman don't show their face.
When my date arrived it turns out it was my wife "Oh for fucks sake," I shouted "You didn't pay a hundred quid as well?"
I'll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars.
I'm never getting one of those Multi Vehicles.
Have you seen how many of them have accidents on the Motorway?
My wife was moaning this evening about all the weight she's going to put on over Christmas.
"If I put on any more, I'll have to call myself a BBW," she said.
"Oh god, you'll never be one of those," I said.
"Really? You don't think I'll be that big?"
"Of course you will," I said, "I just meant you'll never be beautiful."
Quick travel tip for anyone planning an overseas trip this Easter: make sure your pilot's a Scouser - you'll never catch one of those bastards tearing up a sick note and going in to work.
I met a girl on one of those online dating websites and took her out for a date last night. I specifically remembered that she had written in her profile, "I just love guys who can take me out on a night I'll never forget ;)".
So I raped her.
I bought one of those wind up radios today. I brought it home, turned it on and it kept telling me that Liverpool would win the Premiership.
My girlfriend said she wanted a nice facial from one of those celebrity spas for Valentines day.
Wasn't she surprised when I got Stephen Hawking to cum in her face.
West Bromwich Albion have announced their new kit sponsor. Viagra announced the one year deal with the West Midlands club yesterday. The struggling club's Chairman reckons they'll need the sponsorship money to help them keep up this season...