So here I am in the internet cafe with the fattest fucking American I've ever seen watching every word I type.
Lucky for me McDonald's are having a 2 for 1 sale on Big Macs.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
If people on Jeremy Kyle can have multiple sexual partners and play people off against one another, why the fuck am I sat here on Pornhub, in my own filth, with the only thing I can mess with being myself?