Similar Jokes

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week - I can't believe it."

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad? She's cut some guys out altogether."
My wife told me that she wanted me to surprise her with a nice gift and suggested I looked in Harrod's. I looked for 3 hours and spent £150 on the ungrateful bitch, and now she's left me.

What the fuck am I going to do with a set of saucepans?
My wife told me that she thinks that I deliberately undermine her confidence to knock her down and hold her back.

I said, "Well it's that kind of negative attitude that means that you'll never achieve anything in life."
Every weekend, my neighbour has a huge house party with loud music, and I have to sit there listening to my wife tell me to 'Sort it out'. After hearing enough, I would proceed to walk to my neighbour's door and argue with him for 45 minutes straight before storming back into the house. It never accomplished anything, but my wife is really proud of me for being persistent and spending 45 minutes of my life every weekend just to make her happy.

I think she'd be a little less proud if she knew I was trying to get myself invited...
My wife told me that she has got me a special birthday treat.

I asked her what it was but she said, "You'll have to wait until this evening to find out. All I can tell you is that it's in the fridge, it's red and it's wobbling".

It's left me so intrigued. How did she manage to fit Manchester United in the fridge?
In a philosophical moment, my wife told me that having two ears but only one mouth, means we should listen more and talk less.

I replied: "Well, you have two legs but only one head, so think less and fuck off."