Similar Jokes

A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.

Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo.

"How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset."

"Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?"

"Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"tiger Woods."

"tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A young couple are on their honeymoon in a nice hotel. In the morning, the exhausted husband calls room service for breakfast in bed:

"For me, bacon and eggs, orange juice, coffee, rolls, butter and marmelade. For my wife, a salad."

"Just a salad?" says girl at room service.

"Yeah, just some lettuce and carrots. I want to know if she also eats like a bunny."
A couple are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary and manage to book the very same resort, even hotel room, that they used on their honeymoon.

Deciding to give her husband a little treat, the wife slips off into the bathroom while hubby's watching TV to slip on the negligee that she wore that first night together.

She opens the bathroom door, and her husband looks over. "What were you thinking 25 years ago, darling?" she asks.

"I was thinking," he replies, "that I'm going to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She smiles. "And now?"

He replies, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."
A bloke is playing golf when he gets a ball right in the groin. In agony, he falls to the ground. Later, at the doctor's office, he asks, "How bad is it, doc? Because I'm getting married next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."
The doctor says, "I'll have to put your manhood in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be OK in about two weeks."
Then the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little four-sided splint, and wires it together. It's an impressive work of art.
But the man doesn't mention this to his fiancée and they marry. On their honeymoon night, his new wife opens her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and tells him, "You'll be the first. No one has ever touched these before."
Determined to outdo his wife, the new husband drops his pants and says, "Well, check this out - it's still in its crate!"
A man and his wife went into hospital to get an ultrasound scan on their unborn child. After some scanning by the midwife, she announces, "And there is it's head." The couple look delighted, and after further inspection the nurse again exclaims, "And there is the other!"

"Oh my god..." screams the woman, "twins?!", but the midwife shakes her head looking puzzled.

The husband looks increasingly uncomfortable, and finally he speaks to his wife...

"I probably should have told you this earlier, but I'm kind of your brother."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

Her mother said, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
A man was so intent on marrying a virgin he came up with a test.
Over the years he took hundreds of girls to make out point. Each time he pulled out his dick and asked "Do you know what this is?" Each time the girls said "Sure, that's a dick"

The man would then promptly take them home and never talk to them again.
After 10 years he had all but given up hope. Then one day, after meeting a cute young librarian, and driving her to make point, he pulled his dick out asked, "Do you know what this is?"
The young girl said, "OH MY, I have no clue what that is."

So after a very short courtship, He and the librarian were married. That night on their honeymoon, he sat his nervous young bride on the bed, pulled out his dick and said to her, "This sweetheart is a dick."

To which she replied, "no it isn't honey, a dick is much much longer and its black"
"Hey baby, can you please stay in tonight?" asked my wife. "The local radio has said that there is a crazy man wearing a balaclava breaking into houses and brutally raping women at home on their own late at night".

"Stop worrying babe. No women is going to get raped on our street tonight" I answered.

"How do you know for sure, love?" she asked.

"Because I will be staying in tonight" I replied.