Similar Jokes

I walked in from work to see my wife looking sweaty on the sofa with another bloke.

I said, "Who is he?"

"Erm," she hesitated. "This is my work manager. He wanted to come over and say hello."

"I know you're lying," I replied in shock. "You're unemployed."
Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Rafa go to heaven.

The three of them are sent to the pearly gates of heaven where they have to give a 5 minute talk on why St Peter should support their club.

Arsene Wenger starts off first and in the end St Peter praises him and says, "By the way, did you remember that time when Eduardo so blatantly and obviously dived in that game?"

Wenger replies, "I cannot say. Maybe, possibly, I don't know but I didn't see it." This pisses St Peter of a bit, so he sends Arsene back to earth.

Rafa has his turn, sits down and places a big sealed portfolio with files inside it. He gives St Peter a 5 minute talk on why Liverpool FC is the best club in the world and why he should support them. St Peter interrupts him at 4:50 seconds and asks, "But how can you be so sure Liverpool FC are the best club of the three to support?

Rafa simply says, "St Peter, I'm simply stating the facts." St Peter doesn't like the tone of Rafa's voice, so sends him back to earth too.

St Peter looks towards Alex Ferguson, who remarks, "5 minutes? Is that all you're giving me? This is a fucking disgrace..."
My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.

The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."

"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"

She said, "Three days ago."

Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"