Similar Jokes

My mother-in-law borrowed £500 from me and I've not seen the bitch for six months!

Well worth it if you ask me!
Jesus is walking around Heaven and he's walking in an area he'd never been to. He hears this sobbing noise and, out of curiosity, he goes to investigate. Jesus finds and old man with a grey beard sitting, huddled, crying his heart out in a pool of tears. Jesus says "My son, why are you crying?" The old man doesn't answer. Jesus asks him again and says to him, "Okay, I'll come back tomorrow to see if you've improved."

The next day, the man is still crying and still won't tell Jesus what's wrong. So Jesus tells him he'll be back the next day. After a week of this Jesus finally comes to the end of his tether and says, "For my sake! It's enough to try the patience of a saint! Stop crying! You're upsetting everyone, you're upsetting me and this is meant to be a happy place. No-one is meant to be sad, no-one should cry and no-one should refuse to tell his Lord and God what's wrong with him! I'm coming back tomorrow and if you don't tell me what's wrong you will be cast into eternal damnation!" Jesus goes off muttering under his breath.

Jesus returns bright and early and the old man is still crying. Jesus says, "Right, that's it, get out, get out, off to Hell with you. Let's see if Lucifer can put up with your constant wailing! Before you go I command you, as your Lord and God, to tell me what has upset you so much that you are willing to forfeit Paradise?"
The old man sobs "When I was on Earth," sniffle, sob, sniffle. "I was a carpenter," sob, sniffle, sob, "I had a boy" sniffle, sob, sniffle, "and they took him away from me... and... and I never saw him again!"
Jesus starts to feel really guilty and uncomfortable and thinks, "Oh fuck, it's Joseph, I'd wondered what happened to him!" So Jesus opens his arms and says, "Dad, Dad, it's me!"

The old man's eyes light up as he says "Pinocchio, is it really you?"
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments!

So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."

So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."