Similar Jokes

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:

No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No cricket, No rugby, No football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music, No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches No summer mini skirts and braless beauties, No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks, No Christmas.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shave your wife, Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper, You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, Your bride is picked by someone else, She smells just like your donkey, and your donkey has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 27 virgins and it all gets better! Nope.... no mystery here!!!
The wife phoned me this morning an told me to come outside as she was having a breakdown.
There she was, crying her eyes out, sat in the car on the driveway again for the third time this month.
I asked her what was wrong.
''I'm sick and tired of this'' she said, ''I just don't know what to do, I just don't seem to be going anywhere, please help me.'

So I put the keys in the ignition and told her to Fuck off.
Four friends go on holiday to South Africa - one English, one American, one French and one Chinese. While out trekking in the countryside they find some gold in the ground. The Frenchman, a geologist, realises that they have stumbled across a rich seam, suitable for a new mine.

The American happens to be a billionaire, so he buys the land with an arrangement that they split the profits four ways - The Englishman is an engineer, so is put in charge of extraction. The Chinese man is involved in import and export so is put in charge of supplies. The Frenchman is a manager, so is put in charge with overseeing the whole operation.

A year later the American returns to see how his investment is going. First he goes to the main office to see how the Frenchman is doing.

"Well," he says, "we're getting some gold out, but there seem to be some problems with the extraction. You'd better go down and see."

So the American walks down to the mine, meets the Englishman emerging from the entrance and asks him how things are going.

"Well" he says, "my boys are fine, but the Chinese guy just isn't pulling his weight. Go down there and you'll see what I mean."

So he walks down into the mine. After a couple of hundred yards it's almost pitch black down there and he can't see or hear anyone. All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pillar and shouts "Supplies!"
F. W. De Klerk has an important banquet coming up so he decides to go get himself some new shoes at a high class Johannesburg shoe shop...

He walks in and explains to the assistant he wants a pair of very exclusive shoes...

The assistant measures him up and then goes out back to get them....

She returns after a few minutes with a beautiful pair of tan shoes...

"What are they made of?" asks FW

"These are made of camel hide and cost 100 rand"

"Sorry, No, they're just not exclusive enough.....Do you have anything else?"

So the assistant disappears again to return with an equally exquisite pair of snake skin shoes...

"What are they made of?" asks FW

"These are made of finest cobra skin and cost 200 rand"

"Sorry, No, they're just not exclusive enough.....Do you have anything else?"

So the assistant disappears again to return with the most attractive pair of pink shoes FW has ever seen...

He tries them on and they fit perfectly....and seem to be the most comfortable shoe he's ever had on...

"What are they made of?" asks FW

"These are human skin and because of the craftsmanship needed to make them are 1,000 rand..."

FW admires them, has a think and then says...."That's a little steep... Do you have something a little more economical?"

To which the assistant replies: "I can do them in black for 1.99!!"
Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very much. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".

Adam: "Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."

God: "Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for them."

Adam: "No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."

God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."

Adam: "Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"

God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "Which am I?"

God: "You, Adam, are a male."

Adam: "Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."

God: "All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam:"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"

God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "What's a headache?"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."
Paddy is in a job interview. The position is for a demolition expert.

The interviewer says, "Your CV is impressive so I'll take you on a days trial, you will go out and blow up a few buildings and report to me at the end of the day."

So Paddy goes out for the day and meets with the interviewer.

The interviewer says, "Great stuff, you seem to be good at the job but I want to test your common sense as it is an important part of the role."

"No problem," says Paddy.

The interviewer selects a random common sense question and asks, "Who wrote Romeo And Juliet?"

"William Shakespeare."

"Good," replies the interviewer, "Who was the first man on the moon?"

"Neil Armstrong."

"OK," says the interviewer, "How many letters are there in the alphabet?"

"21," Comes the reply.

"How do you work that out?" Asks the interviewer.

Paddy replies, "I blew up B&Q and MFI."
This bloke loses both of his ears in an accident. The surgeon tells him that there are no human transplant ears available but they have a dog's ear and a pig's ear ready to transplant, so he agrees to the operation. One month later, he goes back for a check up and the doc asks him how he is getting on with his new ears.
"Well, doctor,", the bloke says, "the dog ear is brilliant - I can hear for miles and no fucker ever talks behind my back - but with the pigs ear....I seem to be getting a lot of crackling in it."