Similar Jokes

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongi."

Ahh, fuck it, I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,

"I think I'm planting them too deep."
A new girl started working in my local shop. She is absolutely gorgeous. I was thinking of how I could impress her so one day I came up with a plan.

I casually strolled up to the counter and asked for a box of condoms.

"What size?" she asked.

"Extra large," I replied with a cheeky wink.

I'm going to make the biggest water balloons she's ever seen.
This Indian bloke walks into this supermarket and ask the attendant what kind of toilet paper they have for sale. The attendant shows him three brands. The first brand is called Kleenex and costs two pounds for two rolls, the second brand is Sorbent and costs one pound for two rolls and the third brand is a no name brand and costs fifty pence for five rolls.

The Indian says, "Five rolls for fifty pence, that is cheap - think of the Vindaloos I can have."

So the Indian buys the no name toilet paper and leaves. The next day he returns to the store and finds the attendant and says to him, "I still have got four toilet rolls left, but I have found a name for your toilet roll."

The attendant looked confused when he said that and asked him to explain.

The Indian says, "You should call it John Wayne toilet paper!"

The attendant said, "Why John Wayne?"

And the Indian replies, "Because it's rough, tough and takes no shit from an Indian!
Due to the credit crunch, I was thinking of new ways to make money.

So I converted to Islam - the Prophets were amazing!
There is going to be an "Islam4UK" March in Wootton Bassett.
i have a few ideas of my own on that day..
i was thinking of setting up a SpeedWay race and "accidently" drive on the the road they are marching on. anyone coming with me?
My wife said she was thinking of taking up art lessons.

I said,"You'd be good at that."

She seemed surprised by my support and said," Really?"

I said," Yeah, you're good at drawing the wrong conclusion."