Similar Jokes

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
Happy St Patrick's Day, everyone!

For those of you who don't know, St Patrick was the man who first introduced the Irish to Christianity. This was what the Emerald Isle was crying out for at the time. Prior to this, the Irish were a godless Pagan people, who often let minor differences in what they believed in lead to clan feuds and vendettas that could last for decades and, erm... wait a minute...
FEMALE INTERNET USE

1. Somehow open IE8 even though you deleted it cos its completley shit.
2. Check emails, spend ages wading through the thousands of unread messages as you are not sure how to delete them and if you do you think you might get a virus.
3. Eventually find an email friend request from someone on Facebook, or someone has commeted "Awww love u babes lol xxxx" under a photo/status
4. Log into Facebook
5. Log into MSN
6. Click on lots of links that all open in new windows as you dont like the '"tab thingy"
7. Turn the computer off at the wall when you have finnished


MALE INTERNET USE

1. Start private browsing session
2. Check emails
3. Delete penis enlargement, viagra tabs, bank alerts and hundreds of shitty invites from 'Friends' on Facebook asking you to attend some party that you wouldn't go even if there was free booze and sex
4. Realise you have no emails
5. Log on to MSN, in invisible mode realise there is no one you actually want to talk to or like
6. Log into fake msn account to see if that fat slag you met is online and willing to get her tits out so you can talk dirty and wank over
7. Log onto favourite porn website
8. Get bored of that website as you "can't find what you're looking for" and try another porn website
9. Spend ages looking for something to shoot your load over, in fact more time looking than wanking.
10. Get fucked off with all the hot chicks that are available in your area, the how to get ripped in 4 weeks ads and pop ups inviting you to partypoker. This then reminds you of the jokes on Sickipedia, which leads to......
11. Check Sickipedia!
12. When eventually finnished/interupted by wife/girlfriend, Close browser, open up the 'steallth window' you had minimised with the football results on and try and look vaugley interested.
A women is at home alone one day, when there is a knock at the door. Upon opening the door she discovers the milkman.
'Fancy a quick shag?' she asks, and the milkman happily agrees, and they proceed upstairs to have sex.
10 minutes later however, there is another knock at the door. 'Shit' the women says, 'get under the bed, its my husband home from work'.
The milkman hides while the women goes down and opens the door. However it is the postman. 'Fancy a quick shag?' she asks, and the two go upstairs and have sex. Not long after there is another knock at the door. 'Shit, get behind the curtain' says the women, as she goes to check who it is. This time however it is a priest, and the women pulls him inside the house, and they go to have sex. Once again however, there is a knock at the door. 'Shit, get it in bottom drawer, its my husband' she says. However this time God is at the door. The women pulls him inside and they have sex. Not long after there is another knock at the door, 'Get in the top drawer, its my husband, i know it is'.
The husband barges into the room, and begins looking round. He find the milkman under the bed, 'What the fuck are you doing?' he shouts at the man. 'Don't hurt me, theres a postman behind the curtain' the milkman replies, and he scurries away. The husband finds the postman, who in turn says 'Don't hurt me, theres a priest in the bottom drawer!'. The husband opens the drawer to find the priest praying aloud.
'Any last words?' the husband asks, as he moves in on the priest.
'Only that you should know, the lord is above me'
'Fucking Grass' comes a voice, as God pops out of the top drawer.
When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, he started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."
A man walks into a restaurant with his dog and the manager comes up to him.

"Sorry no dogs allowed in here," says the manager.

"Ah, but this is a special talking dog, can we both stay?"

"Bollocks! If that dog can speak you can both eat here for free," says the manager.

"OK, ask him a question then," says the man.

"Right then dog, what's above this restaurant?" asks the manager.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ooooof!" growls the dog.

"Right! Get out you two, that's no bloody talking dog."

The man and his dog leave the restaurant and both look up....

Dog says, "Oh, there is a hair dresser's above the restaurant. Sorry! I didn't realise."
I'll never forget the feelings and thoughts I had when having my first wank...

"Oh my God this is amazing," then,

"Whats all this gooey stuff," and finally,

"SHIT!! How the hell am I gonna get this out of my Mums knickers."
I was out in a Bar the other night. Seen this really hot girl strutting about like her shit don't stink, yea she looked class but that sort of behaviour just pisses me off! So I followed her outside when she was going for a smoke. I knew what kind of bitch I was dealing with.

I walked up to her and said, "Hey good lookin, I can tell from looking at you we are going to have sex tonight"

She looks at me with disdain and says, "Oh yea? what now? you gonna deliver the punch..."

BANG! My timing was fucking perfect. lights out. cunt.