The other day I told my neighbour Jerome that he was like Marmite.
He said, "What, you either love me or you hate me?"
I said, "No, you're black and you smell."
Went to watch that new social networking film with my best mate the other day,
didn't catch all of it though, he kept poking me.
I saw a smart looking pensioner in the newsagent the other day buying a load of porn! When he was gone I asked the guy behind the counter about this.
"Well," he said, "it's funny you mention that - he comes in every week. He must be going blind - he thinks he is buying the Beano and Dandy for his teenage grandkids!"
So, feeling sorry for the poor old guy, I caught him up, walking home with a rather large stash of porn.
"Hello," I said. "I hate to tell you this, but that guy in the shop might be playing a nasty joke on you."
"Ha!" replied the old man. "I've been coming in every day since my wife died. The joke's on him, he only charges me 90p - the stupid cunt thinks I'm buying comics!"
The other day I told my wife that I was going to paint a portrait of her, but she just laughed at me...
So I painted it in the style of Picasso and now she's laughing off the other side of her face!
My neighbour said that he was fed up of the noise and bad language coming from my house, and demanded to know what I'm going to do about it.
I gave him a pair of ear-plugs and told him to fuck off.
I was talking to a mate the other day who has a really bad lisp. He was telling me how he shagged a prostitute and ended up with a "severe case of syphilis".
I left the conversation thinking only one thing - if it can be transmitted through saliva then I'm fucked.
The other day I told my wife she was my dream come true.
"Aww," she said. "Am I really?"
"Yes," I said. "Unfortunately, it's that one where I'm being chased through the house by a giant mammoth and suddenly realise I've forgotten how to run".
I was playing a racing game the other day and told my girlfriend I'm going to learn to drive.
She said "You know it's not like a video game where you can press the reset button if you crash."
Silly bitch, I'll just use the invincibility cheat.
The other day i told my wife she was like a Creme Egg.
"Because I'm small and have a lovely soft centre?" She asked.
I said "No, because you're brown and kids always lick you out."
I was asleep the other day, and I had a dream that I was laying in bed, covered in my own faeces. I awoke to find out my dream had come true.
This shit just got real.