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The other day I told my neighbour Jerome that he was like Marmite. He said, "What, you either love me or you hate me?" I said, "No, you're black and you smell." |
 
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Went to watch that new social networking film with my best mate the other day, didn't catch all of it though, he kept poking me. |
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Joke
by ...to get to the other side in TV - Film/Movie (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 7 months ago - Current Score: 31.4
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I saw a smart looking pensioner in the newsagent the other day buying a load of porn! When he was gone I asked the guy behind the counter about this.
"Well," he said, "it's funny you mention that - he comes in every week. He must be going blind - he thinks he is buying the Beano and Dandy for his teenage grandkids!" So, feeling sorry for the poor old guy, I caught him up, walking home with a rather large stash of porn. "Hello,&quo [...] |
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Joke
by antibagdave in Illness and mortality - Old Age - Added: 4 years, 9 months ago - Current Score: 79.4
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The other day I told my wife that I was going to paint a portrait of her, but she just laughed at me... So I painted it in the style of Picasso and now she's laughing off the other side of her face! |
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My neighbour said that he was fed up of the noise and bad language coming from my house, and demanded to know what I'm going to do about it. I gave him a pair of ear-plugs and told him to fuck off. |
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I was talking to a mate the other day who has a really bad lisp. He was telling me how he shagged a prostitute and ended up with a "severe case of syphilis". I left the conversation thinking only one thing - if it can be transmitted through saliva then I'm fucked. |
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Joke
by The Glitterati in Illness and mortality - STDs - Added: 2 years, 0 months ago - Current Score: 4.8
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The other day I told my wife she was my dream come true. "Aww," she said. "Am I really?" "Yes," I said. "Unfortunately, it's that one where I'm being chased through the house by a giant mammoth and suddenly realise I've forgotten how to run". |
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I was playing a racing game the other day and told my girlfriend I'm going to learn to drive. She said "You know it's not like a video game where you can press the reset button if you crash." Silly bitch, I'll just use the invincibility cheat. |
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The other day i told my wife she was like a Creme Egg. "Because I'm small and have a lovely soft centre?" She asked. I said "No, because you're brown and kids always lick you out." |
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Joke
by SDIA EVAH I in Sex and shit - Paedophile - Added: 3 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 9.8
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I was asleep the other day, and I had a dream that I was laying in bed, covered in my own faeces. I awoke to find out my dream had come true. This shit just got real. |
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