Similar Jokes

Today I had sex with the Uruguayan linesman's wife, and then proceeded to have sex with his daughter right in front of his face. As if this wasn't bad enough I stole his car and then burnt down his house as well as all his possesions. To finish off I wrote to FIFA and had him sacked from his job.

You may see this as my actions were pretty harsh and unfair but don't worry, he can't see when I've crossed the line
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"
"Doctor I think my son has syphilis," a patient told his doctor. "But you see the only person he has had sex with is our neighbour's daughter".

"Don't worry," the doctor assured the patient. "He's just a kid and sometimes mistakes happen. Bring him in and I'll take care of him".

"But doc, I had sex with the neighbours' daughter as well and I'm starting to get similar symptoms".

"Then you both come in and I'll see what I can do".

"I think my wife might have it too" the guy said.

"Son of a bitch!," the doctor shouted. "That means we all have it!"
FEMALE INTERNET USE

1. Somehow open IE8 even though you deleted it cos its completley shit.
2. Check emails, spend ages wading through the thousands of unread messages as you are not sure how to delete them and if you do you think you might get a virus.
3. Eventually find an email friend request from someone on Facebook, or someone has commeted "Awww love u babes lol xxxx" under a photo/status
4. Log into Facebook
5. Log into MSN
6. Click on lots of links that all open in new windows as you dont like the '"tab thingy"
7. Turn the computer off at the wall when you have finnished


MALE INTERNET USE

1. Start private browsing session
2. Check emails
3. Delete penis enlargement, viagra tabs, bank alerts and hundreds of shitty invites from 'Friends' on Facebook asking you to attend some party that you wouldn't go even if there was free booze and sex
4. Realise you have no emails
5. Log on to MSN, in invisible mode realise there is no one you actually want to talk to or like
6. Log into fake msn account to see if that fat slag you met is online and willing to get her tits out so you can talk dirty and wank over
7. Log onto favourite porn website
8. Get bored of that website as you "can't find what you're looking for" and try another porn website
9. Spend ages looking for something to shoot your load over, in fact more time looking than wanking.
10. Get fucked off with all the hot chicks that are available in your area, the how to get ripped in 4 weeks ads and pop ups inviting you to partypoker. This then reminds you of the jokes on Sickipedia, which leads to......
11. Check Sickipedia!
12. When eventually finnished/interupted by wife/girlfriend, Close browser, open up the 'steallth window' you had minimised with the football results on and try and look vaugley interested.
It's been so long since I've had sex with the wife, she's even forgotten what sex is.

Only yesterday I was shagging a woman and my wife walked in.

She said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I looked outside today and saw the missus kneeling in the garden with her ear to the lawn,
I went out and asked what she was doing,
she said the lawn was telling her that I had sex with the next door neighbour last night in the back garden.

Fucking Grass.
A bloke is pulled over by a cop and asked his name, "Mac" replies the guy "Everyone calls me Mac."

The copper asks for his full name, but the guy explains that he used to have one but doesn't use it any more and that everyone calls him 'Mac'. Intrigued the cop asks what his name used to be;

"John Thomas MacDangle" answers the bloke.

"Is that it? asks the cop.

"Well no, I studied medicine at University and got my MD." says the bloke.

'So that makes you John Thomas Mac Dangle MD, is that it." states the cop.

"Actually no, once I had my doctor of medicine I went and worked in Africa for missionary doctors and gained my doctor of philosophy," confides the man.

"So that is John Thomas Mac Dangle, MD, PhD" states the cop, "is that it?"

"No" says the chap " whilst out in the jungle I had sex with a young tribes girl and caught Venereal disease."

"So that's John Thomas Mac Dangle, MD, PhD, VD, is that it?" Questions the cop.

"Well not really, you see when the Missionarys found out that I'd had sex with the tribes girl, the sent me home and took my PhD off me" explain the bloke.

"John Thomas Mac Dangle MD, VD?"

"Then the university said I had gone against all ethics and took my MD away" continues the man.

"John Thomas Mac Dangle VD?"

"By the time I went to the hospital with my Venereal disease, it was that far gone, that they had to remove my John Thomas, it left me fuck all to dangle, so everyone just calls me Mac!"