Last night I was sat at the bar with my mates when the wife sent me a text reading; "You R fucking DEAD! I've found that SICK website on ur PC! Me and the kids R staying at my mums!"
Naturally, I presumed she'd found Sickipedia, so I headed home and began thinking of good excuses to give her as to why I was on the site. I got through the door and there she was, tears streaming down her face, A suitcase full of clothes and the kids stood next to her looking really sad, staring at the floor.
"Babe," I pleaded, "Surely you're overreacting! I mean, come on, some of the stuff on that site is actually pretty hilarious if you take the time to look through it."
Turns out she had found my website that distributes videos of African kids beating the shit out of each other for food.
I think it's safe to say she isn't coming back.
I went to see the Facebook film tonight but got chucked out of the cinema for poking a few random people and commenting everytime someone made conversation. I then follwed a women home but got arrested for writing graffiti on her wall.
My wife just told me that before we got married, back when we where in a rough patch, she was going to leave me, she said she'd weighed up all the pros and cons and decided that there was no other option but to get out. But then there was one thing she'd missed and that one thing is what kept us together all these years
I still remember the day when I shot an elephant. It was just standing there, looking so vulnerable but also so magnificent, and I saw the chance to truly become a man. I took up my trusty shotgun and bang, bang, bang, it fell. The once mighty beast lay there like a fallen tree, and I ran up to it to reap the precious ivory tusks.
The moment was slightly spoiled when I got kicked out of the circus for 'ruining everyone's day out'.