Similar Jokes

Last night I was sat at the bar with my mates when the wife sent me a text reading; "You R fucking DEAD! I've found that SICK website on ur PC! Me and the kids R staying at my mums!"

Naturally, I presumed she'd found Sickipedia, so I headed home and began thinking of good excuses to give her as to why I was on the site. I got through the door and there she was, tears streaming down her face, A suitcase full of clothes and the kids stood next to her looking really sad, staring at the floor.

"Babe," I pleaded, "Surely you're overreacting! I mean, come on, some of the stuff on that site is actually pretty hilarious if you take the time to look through it."

Turns out she had found my website that distributes videos of African kids beating the shit out of each other for food.
I think it's safe to say she isn't coming back.
I was on Dragon's Den last week. I dressed up as a knight. I slayed Debra Meadon's fire breathing head right off.

The other dragons said, "I'm in".
I went to see the Facebook film tonight but got chucked out of the cinema for poking a few random people and commenting everytime someone made conversation. I then follwed a women home but got arrested for writing graffiti on her wall.
I was waiting outside the changing room waiting for the wife to try on a dress, when she came out to ask my opinion.

"What do you think?" she asked, twirling around.

"Eyewatering," I replied.

"Don't you mean mouthwatering?"

"No you fat cow," I said, "You just trod on my foot".
I was on Dragons Den recently when Hillary Devey interrupted me during my pitch by saying "oops I'm out" I looked over and she was sitting holding her cock.
My wife just told me that before we got married, back when we where in a rough patch, she was going to leave me, she said she'd weighed up all the pros and cons and decided that there was no other option but to get out. But then there was one thing she'd missed and that one thing is what kept us together all these years

I fucking hate periods
I've just been on Dragons Den and got turned down. They said my idea for a helpline at £1.50 a minute for stammering kids was unethical.
I still remember the day when I shot an elephant. It was just standing there, looking so vulnerable but also so magnificent, and I saw the chance to truly become a man. I took up my trusty shotgun and bang, bang, bang, it fell. The once mighty beast lay there like a fallen tree, and I ran up to it to reap the precious ivory tusks.

The moment was slightly spoiled when I got kicked out of the circus for 'ruining everyone's day out'.
Last week i bought some original Who singles on E-Bay, but they turned out to be fake.

And just this morning i got an E-mail letting me know that the seller had another one for sale.

He must think i'm fucking stupid, i won't get fooled again.