A Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kap [...]

A Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?
'It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, mate. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 r [...]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have 1 at home!!!

Marx said that "Religion is the opium of the people." But there are many different religions each with it's own rich cultural tradition and it is closed minded to group them all together.

Catholicism is the 'alcohol of the people,' it makes you talk a lot of self righteous crap, you are less likely to use condoms and those who take it to an extreme are only going to get laid if they have vulnerable minors under their control.

The Church of England is the ' [...]

Marx said that "Religion is the opium of the people." But there are many different religions each with it's own rich cultural tradition and it is closed minded to group them all together.

Catholicism is the 'alcohol of the people,' it makes you talk a lot of self righteous crap, you are less likely to use condoms and those who take it to an extreme are only going to get laid if they have vulnerable minors under their control.

The Church of England is the 'marijuana of the people,' it gives you a vague warm fuzzy feeling, but nobody can quite remember why they started believing that shit in the first place.

Islam is the 'crack cocaine of the people,' it attracts the desperate, it encourages violence and if you are doing it, chances are you aren't white.

This is from my fucking stand up routine, if I hear a version of it on Mock the Week I'm going to rip that ginger scot bastard's lungs out.

When a woman lies:

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this yo [...]

When a woman lies:

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,

All Us Women
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I have just started a new job and at the same time a woman has just started too. So with both being new we have got chatting and got along great. It got to the end of the day and she asked me how I was getting home, I just said I'd get a bus...she was like " oh no don't be silly, I'll give you a lift home, you're on my route home anyway"

As we walked to the car she said "wait one minute, what's your surname?"
"Cooper, why?"
She then get [...]

I have just started a new job and at the same time a woman has just started too. So with both being new we have got chatting and got along great. It got to the end of the day and she asked me how I was getting home, I just said I'd get a bus...she was like " oh no don't be silly, I'll give you a lift home, you're on my route home anyway"

As we walked to the car she said "wait one minute, what's your surname?"
"Cooper, why?"
She then gets her phone out and calls her mum " Hey mum its me, I'm giving a guy from work a lift home, his name is Mark Cooper, so you know who I am with if anything happens, ok love you, see you later"

I didn't know what to say so we were sat in the car driving home in silence, after about 5 minutes she said "are you ok?" I replied " Yea, but you've just turned this in to a very awkward rape"