Similar Jokes

Just got a text from my girlfriend that read: You lying cheating bastard. I've just found out you're fucking that bird Clare from your accounts department. That's it, we're finished.
I called her straight back and said, " Just got your text. What the fuck are you talking about? There's nobody called Clare in our accounts department."

She said, " Shit, that was supposed to go to Michael."

I dumped her there and then. Not because I'd caught her cheating on me but because I'd told her Clare works in HR so she obviously never listens to a word I fucking say.
I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.  
I just got a text from my mate that read, "Shit m8 just raped this really hot bird that lives by me and now shes locked in my loft and shes been crying for hours and wont shut up can you give any advice"

I was disgusted! Not a single bit of punctuation throughout the entire thing!
Just received a text from my girlfriend saying:

"I'm on the way home from work, looks gorgeous outside. Every thing's white! xxx"

She's obviously not fucking talking about society.
I've just received a text from my girlfriend saying: "I've just been attacked, but don't worry I'm okay. I am scared though so could you spend the next few days with me? Xx"

So now I have to spend the weekend with her AND hire a new assassin.
I just got a text from my wife that said "When you get home I'm going to fuck you stupid"
I appreciate the rarity of this offer, but there's no need to be rude.