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My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month. Simon said, "What is your act?" I said, "Magic." He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?" I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air." He said, "Have you ever done this before?" I said, "Yes, once." He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck." |
 
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Joke
by Marc Gatland in In The News - Missing Persons - Added: 1 year, 11 months ago - Current Score: 1,558.8
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People often say that after a while pet owners start to look like their pets. That's certainly the case with my wife and her pet hippo I got her for her 40th. |
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Joke
by H5N1 in Illness and mortality - Obesity (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 years, 9 months ago - Current Score: 2
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My wife and kids died in a house fire last year and my parents and both my sisters died in a car crash last week, also I've just been diagnosed with testicular cancer. On the plus side, I've just been confirmed as the favourite for this year's X-factor. |
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Joke
by Tinpotbob in Illness and mortality - Death - Added: 3 years, 1 month ago - Current Score: 9.8
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My wife and I were at her parents house last night for dinner. At the dining table my wife asked me to pass her the salt. I shook my head and refused to pass it to her, resulting in her having to reach all the way across me to get it. She turned to me and said " Could you seriously be any more immature?" So I pulled my trousers down, took the pineapple from the fruit bowl, placed it on my head, and began the Macarena dance. That'll teach the bitch not to test me. |
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My wife and I were about to have sex last night...Though she never told me that she doesn't like using 'dirty' words. To work round this, she said to me "Stick your...erm... little man in the place where I pee" She should have explained herself clearer really... It took ages for us to pull my dwarf brother out of the toilet |
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My wife and I have a great sex life, Last night, for example, she let me see her naked in HER bedroom! |
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Joke
by The crossbow cannibal in Sex and shit - Frigid - Added: 1 year, 9 months ago - Current Score: 4.2
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My wife and I have been invited at the last minute to a fancy-dress party, with a 'bodyparts' theme. We ordered the sadly last two costumes in the shop and they've just been delivered now. I'm delighted with my massive dick costume. There's tons of authentic looking veins and it's even got a realistic ballbag. Unfortunately though, the wife's going to have to go as a big hairy cunt. Because her ear costume doesn't fit. |
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My wife and I had our ten year anniversary last night.
Wife: "If you could change anything about our time together, what would it be?" I thought for a while. Me: "Well, on the day we first met I think I would have changed the ending to my chat up line." Wife: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well I said to you that if you were my homework I would do you on the table all night." [...] |
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My wife keeps badgering me for sexual roleplay. Well last night I finally gave in and said, "What do you have in mind?"
She cheekily replied, "How about doctor and patient?" I said, "Okay, I'm the doctor. Put on your gown and I'll be up in a minute.'' After about 10 minutes, I went upstairs. "Sorry about the wait, Mrs. Brown." She looked up at me with seductive eyes and whispered, "I want you to throw me over and ride me like a [...] |
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Joke
by igotsrice in Sex and shit - Divorce (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago - Current Score: 7.4
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My wife and I went to see a psychic last night. "You've got a baby on the way, haven't you?" she asked. "Nope," I replied, "That's not a very good start, is it?" She said, "You have, Tina is carrying your baby." My wife laughed and said, "My name is Tracy." "I know it is," replied the psychic, "Tina drinks in your local pub." |
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