Dear Bank Manager,

Following the party I had the other week, in which many parts of my house were damaged by the excesses of alcohol, drugs and loud music I was forced to call in the insurance assessors.
When the nice man from Norwich Union arrived he described my house thus: "Fucking hell mate, has there been an earthquake?"

Therefore, with this description going forward onto my claim form I am writing to ask you if you would cancel my outstanding

Dear Bank Manager,

Following the party I had the other week, in which many parts of my house were damaged by the excesses of alcohol, drugs and loud music I was forced to call in the insurance assessors.
When the nice man from Norwich Union arrived he described my house thus: "Fucking hell mate, has there been an earthquake?"

Therefore, with this description going forward onto my claim form I am writing to ask you if you would cancel my outstanding loans totalling £25,000.

After all, if those darkies in Haiti can have a bit of an earth tremor, lose a few lives, cry a bit and immediately have their national debt of £800 million wiped out, I should be treated equally but proportionally fairly.

Yours sincerely

Billy Bollocks