Little Red Rooster's Jokes
"Am I allowed to call a police officer a cunt?"
"No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult."
"Would it be OK if I called a cunt 'Officer'?"
"Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed."
"Good night, Officer."
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"
"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"
"No, but he always wanted to be."
Little Johnny is boasting again: "My big sister can put a whole lamp up her bum."
"What do you mean?" says his mate.
"I heard her say to her boyfriend, 'If you put the lamp out, I'll take it up the arse.'"
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
"What can I do for you, Father?"
"I'm collecting for the orphanage."
"Just a moment," says the little girl, closing the door.
The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says:
"OK, you can take me now."