My five-year-old son said he wanted a tree house in the back garden.
Twenty years growing a tree and now the cunt doesn't want it anymore.
Out of work I decided to call round to my gran's out of boredom, "So son, how did your exams go?" she asks.
Presuming she'd gone senile, I replied, laughing, "Granny, I left school ten years ago."
"I know," She said, "I just like reminding you how useless you are!"
My wife kept complaining about how cold it was in bed.
I said, "It could be worse, you could be sleeping in the street."
Then I closed the shed door and walked back into house.
My mate thinks he looks like Christian Bale.
I told him anyone would wearing a Batman suit.
As the flames engulfed my kitchen, trapping my wife, I immediately ran for the fire extinguisher.
They say leave your possessions, but I love that fucking thing.