I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
Yahoo News: "US missile kills 12 in Pakistan"
Missile? Surely they mean torpedo...
Apparently, the fastest land animal is the Cheetah.
Sounds highly appropriate, you should have seen how fast I ran when my neighbour found out I was shagging his wife.
The other day my mate asked me, "Where's the strangest place you've had sex?"
I replied, "At the hospital."
He then said, "Did you do a nurse, you dirty beggar?"
I answered, "No, someone left the Morgue doors unlocked..."
In the new series of Bear Grylls: Born Survivor, Bear tries his hand at survival in one of the world's most uninhabitable places: Lily Allen's womb.