I was in a supermarket today and I genuinely heard this over the tannoy: "Will Miss McCann please report to the lost property desk".
I nearly had a stroke.
Two men were in a pub.
Man 1 - I haven't seen you here before.
Man 2 - I just got back from Afghanistan.
Man 1 - Wow, how was it.
Man 2 - Well, on my first day our base was attacked by rocket fire and shrapnel got lodged in my best friends spine, so I used my field medical training to isolate the wound and carefully remove the shrapnel without any nerve damage. He recovered after about 5 months. Then two days later, we were sent into the red zone and came under heavy fire. I managed to take out seven insurgents which led to their withdrawal, meaning we could return home safely with no casualties.
Man 1 - Oh my God. You're a hero. I have to buy you a drink, what are you having?
Man 2 - WKD
Man 1 - Fuck off you cunt.
Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word.
What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?
The queue at KFC.
My girlfriend pulled an epic April Fool's prank today.
First she pretended she didn't want sex.
Then she claimed I was raping her.
Then she pretended to choke on my cock.
Then she pretended to die.
She's at the crematorium now. I like her commitment but, come on love, it's after 12.