These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself,& [...]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a warm meal!"

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

[...]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

When Jane initially met tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

tarzan said, "Oh, tarzan [...]

When Jane initially met tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

tarzan said, "Oh, tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the cunt. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"tarzan check for bees."

Three gay men are in an internet chatroom bragging about the size of their dicks.

White guy: "My dick is so big I have to drop my trousers to take it out"

Black guy: "That's nothing, my dick is so big I can turn my monitor on and off with it while I'm sat in my chair"

Indian guy: "Well my dick is so big that if I laid it out on my keyboard it would stretch all the way from A-Z."

"Wait...shit!" [...]

Three gay men are in an internet chatroom bragging about the size of their dicks.

White guy: "My dick is so big I have to drop my trousers to take it out"

Black guy: "That's nothing, my dick is so big I can turn my monitor on and off with it while I'm sat in my chair"

Indian guy: "Well my dick is so big that if I laid it out on my keyboard it would stretch all the way from A-Z."

"Wait...shit!"

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.

So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy.&quo [...]

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.

So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disapp [...]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."