I've just been to my first Muslim wedding.
It was fantastic when everybody started clapping at the final words of the ceremony:
"You may now meet the bride."
"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" My wife asked.
"No." I replied. "It's always been your sister."
Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married.
I don't get any sex and I've never got any money.
"Look, love, it's not the size that matters," my wife said.
"It fucking matters to me," I replied as I looked at her enormous strap-on.
My wife used to complain that the magic had gone out of our relationship.
So I sawed her in half.