My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.
So I killed his mum.
A man walks into a library.
"Fuck me, it's busy in here today."
I was watching the snooker earlier and Shaun Murphy was having a bit of trouble with the yellow.
Or Ding Junhui as the commentators called him.
On BBC Sports Personality of the Year tonight Rebecca Adlington said: "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my parents."
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she said I reminded her of a black man.
"Why, is it because I've got a massive cock?" I asked.
"No, it's cause I fucking hate you."