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During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought: "Maybe that's where the fucking remote is." |
 
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This pregnant girl I know has made a separate Facebook account just for her unborn child. It's beginning to annoy me so much that I've decided to set up an account as a coat hanger, add the unborn child and poke them. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Sex and shit - Abortion - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 1,087.6
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My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning. I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Food and Drink (+ 2 more) - Added: 2 years, 7 months ago - Current Score: 702.2
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 8 months ago - Current Score: 695.2
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Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry's with a DVD. I couldn't be arsed to wash a spoon. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 639.8
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At the beach I saw four sandcastles that had been made by some children. So I ran up and jumped on one of them. Then I wrecked his sandcastle. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Children (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 8 months ago - Current Score: 638
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I needed some milk this morning, so I went round to my neighbours and asked them through the letter box. "We're all out," they replied. "Fuck off," I said. "I can hear you in there." |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 5 months ago - Current Score: 526.2
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I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today and it said: "Pineapples: five cubed." I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many. |
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Joke
by simonlomas in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 447.6
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I've been desperately asking my friends not to tell me what happens in the final episode of Lost. I'm not worried about them spoiling it, I just don't give a shit. |
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I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said, "Store in a cool place." So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson's house. |
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