During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:
"Maybe that's where the fucking remote is."
This pregnant girl I know has made a separate Facebook account just for her unborn child.
It's beginning to annoy me so much that I've decided to set up an account as a coat hanger, add the unborn child and poke them.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.
I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.
Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry's with a DVD.
I couldn't be arsed to wash a spoon.