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As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?" "My son would have been two today..." I sobbed. "Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?" "He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads." |
 
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Just got a text from my mate saying he was going to kill himself and ignored it. "Don't you think you should do something?" asked my girlfriend. "He's on T-Mobile," I replied, "the funeral was last week." |
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The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely." "Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt." |
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Amanda Holden said on Britain's Got Talent that she's always felt as though she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body. This is definitely her way of saying she loves cock up her arse. |
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The new "Freedom Tower", which is replacing the fallen Twin Towers, is almost built. Al Qaeda are calling it, "Level 2". |
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Mancini's men win the Premier League. Well paid, City. Well paid. |
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| Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin. |
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My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?" |
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"Well I know someone who's not getting a Mother's day card!" I shouted. As I walked out of the abortion clinic. |
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Apparently Manchester United have had the worst season in their entire history with regard to injuries. I think 1958 might have been their worst. |
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