Hottest This Month
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
If you ever feel useless then remember: it's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
Yesterday was the most emotional I've seen Serena Williams since she got the chair at the end of The Green Mile
Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.
It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.
What's twelve inches long and snaps a cunt?
A selfie stick.
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%" 128