Hottest This Month
A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What's the problem?
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.
"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.
If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious...
I'd wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.
It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.
Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
"McCann Twitter troll found dead in hotel room"
Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
The South African justice system really is something else.
I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
The clocks go back one hour tonight.
Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries. 163