Hottest This Month
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are.
For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?
I saw a UFO yesterday.
So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.
I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No."
Optimist- The glass is half full.
Pessimist- The glass is half empty.
Feminist- The glass is being raped.
If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
Judas: Still on for Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper.
Jesus: The what?
Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas.
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."
Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.