Hottest This Month
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?
I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.
I feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.
Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots, he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
Rolf Harris was Australian Under-18 backstroke champion in the 1940s.
By the 1970s he'd moved on to the Under-14 breaststroke.
What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?
Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.
My son said to me, "Dad, I'm sorry I forgot to get you something for Father's Day."
"That's okay, son," I said, "I forget things all the time too."
"Like what?" he asked
"Like the time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little cunt in my life," I said.
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Air crash investigation set to release Malaysian airlines boxset
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.
Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
'Vanessa Feltz abused me when I was younger'.