Hottest This Week
If I had a pound for every time I was racist...
Black people would rob me.
Jeremy Corbyn is on record as supporting female-only train carriages to protect women from dangerous men on trains.
Using that same logic, I look forward to the day he declares his support for male-only motorways.
I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.
It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
The fickle world of American TV news reporting, eh?
One minute you're doing the morning slot; the next, the graveyard shift.
I was disappointed that Cilla Black wasn't given a traditional Scouse burial.
Under a crowd of several hundred football supporters.
I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."
"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"
"Not at all," I told her.
"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"
"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that fucking size attached to it."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.
On the bright side, I got my bike back.
I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today.
He looked lonely, so I decided to join him. After a while his mother turned up and told me off.
Turns out he had cerebral palsy. 24