Hottest This Week
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,
"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.
So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
You know you're an ugly cunt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway
Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.
You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."
I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
What's black with eight legs and often found in the shower?
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Comic and former psychiatric nurse Jo Brand has accused The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent of exploiting people with mental health problems.
The viewers, mainly.
Tulisa has revealed that she tried to commit suicide by taking a cocktail of vodka and painkillers.
It didn't work as she barely put them in her mouth and definitely didn't swallow them.