Hottest This Week
The Great British Bake-Off host, Sue Perkins, has suffered with a brain tumour for the last eight years which has "stopped me having a baby."
I'm no brain surgeon, Sue, but I think not liking cock played more of a part.
I was disappointed that Cilla Black wasn't given a traditional Scouse burial.
Under a crowd of several hundred football supporters.
The EU has said more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.
Swimming lessons might be a start.
My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.
On the bright side, I got my bike back.
I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today.
He looked lonely, so I decided to join him. After a while his mother turned up and told me off.
Turns out he had cerebral palsy.
The National Sperm Bank has only had nine donors this entire year.
I'm not saying that's a disappointing figure, but that's less than they would have had if they'd just asked Graham Norton to fart into a bucket.
There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.
"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"
"Killed a cyclist," I replied.
Kanye West running for president reminds me of watching my wife giving birth.
Just when you thought you couldn't get a bigger cunt...
To put Britain's immigration crisis into perspective: in order for Cameron to keep his promise to cut net migration to the tens of thousands, he is going to need 3,240 refrigerated lorries.