Hottest This Week
Air crash investigation set to release Malaysian airlines boxset
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
I've just bought a Malaysian airlines model plane kit..
When I opened the box and saw all the pieces, I thought "Great, some cunt's already done it".
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"
"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."
I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"
He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.
People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine.
With a heat-wave forecast doctors are urging Muslims who are observing Ramadan to balance food and fluid intake between fasts and especially to drink enough water.
Pfft! What do doctors know eh? Put a few extra layers on and go for a 10-mile jog. Allah is proud of you!
I approached a police officer this morning to tell him I'd been robbed.
"What did he look like sir?"
"He was bald, about 6 foot tall and white"
Okay no problem sir, we'll take it from here.
"All units, we're looking for a bald male, 6 foot, possibly a black man in disguise".
I cracked two jokes in the pub last night about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed & burned.
The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.
I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning.