Hottest This Week
The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
Optimist- The glass is half full.
Pessimist- The glass is half empty.
Feminist- The glass is being raped.
Work capability assessments are about to start: One million disability checks planned.
I hope they start on that wanker Stephen Hawking. He looked fine picking up his Oscar yesterday.
The families of three British teenage girls thought to have run away to Syria have come together and pleaded with their daughters to come home.
"We are losing child tax credits and family allowance," claimed the girls' fathers.
So Qatar 2022 is going to be held in November and December.
Or for England, November
I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge black guy.
"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of cock," he said.
"I love it," I replied. "I'm doing life for cannibalism."
Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.
Police have revealed the identity of "Jihadi John".
Neighbours in West London have revealed he is actually known as "Paki Pete"
Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.
That's how I remember who I went to Journalism School with.
This year's Brits will always be remembered for its fabulous tribute to 'Allo 'Allo!, featuring the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.