Hottest This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."


I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.