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My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.

"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."

"How's that gonna help?" she asked.

"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
"If it wasn't for our soldiers, you Brits would be speaking German," said my American mate.

""If it wasn't for your teachers, you Yanks would be speaking English," I replied.