Hottest This Week
'David Cameron stung by jellyfish'
"I felt the slimy spineless creature come into contact with me before feeling a sickening pain" said the jellyfish.
I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?"
"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.
"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.
My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.
"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."
"How's that gonna help?" she asked.
"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job, but said his brother Klippity might be interested.
I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.
"Why do you want to do that?" I said.
"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.
I caught my mate's fiancee shagging another man.
I would tell him but his wedding is to have an open bar.
My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.
She ripped the poor things head off.
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.
I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.
"If it wasn't for our soldiers, you Brits would be speaking German," said my American mate.
""If it wasn't for your teachers, you Yanks would be speaking English," I replied.
I recently started working in a shop selling Nazi Memorabilia.
The boss said to me, "Remember, the customer is always extreme right."