Hottest This Week
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.
"Yes." he replied.
I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"
He said, "Sure."
As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."
"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,
and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
It's true when they say that certain types of music can take you to another place.
I was in the pub tonight and a James Arthur song was playing on the jukebox, so I went to another pub.
Nelson Mandela has died and there are tears in people's eyes.
And dollar signs in Morgan Freeman's.