Hottest This Week
While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
I've only met my wife's twin sister once.
I caught her shagging some fella in my bed then I never saw her again.
The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound."
I said, "I'll have two, please."
It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode.
The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.
I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"
RMT Union Leader, Bob Crow, has died.
His family are asking for no questions from the press at this sad time, plus 2 additional days off at Christmas.