Hottest This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"

"Not at all," I told her.

"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"

"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that fucking size attached to it."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.