Hottest This Week
The clocks go back one hour tonight.
Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'
'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
I went to see a therapist.
I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said, "No."
He said, "You're a woman."
My thoughts are with David Cameron this evening.
It must have been a terrifying ordeal, bumping into the average man on the street.
I see there's a UK version of Storage Hunters starting tomorrow.
They'll probably come across a container full of illegal immigrants.
I was going to tell a great Ebola joke but if you're not black you probably won't get it.
A policeman pulled me over and said,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"
"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.
I said, "See, I told you."
Robbie Williams broadcasting his wife's labour. I can see why, it'll probably be the only time when he can prove he isn't the biggest cunt in the room.
Tim Cook, CEO of Apple has come out as gay.
Explains why his phones are bent.
"Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?"
"Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted.