In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable.
A movie about the Americans saving the world.
My friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD!"
I was like, "Don't mention it."
So according to Turkey, it's ok for muslims to shoot down an invading plane after 17 seconds in your airspace.
So next time my neighbour Mohammed uses my driveway to turn around I'll be waiting behind the gate with my hammer...
My wife asked my daughter and I, "Who is responsible for the drops of urine on the toilet floor?"
"I was peeing on a pregnancy stick," my daughter embarrassingly replied.
That's when I realised it might be my fault.
I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.
"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.
"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.
"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
I thought I saw a load of Ewoks being chased by Darth Vader earlier, they looked so realistic with the incoherent jabbering, hairy little faces poking out from hoods and the characteristic wet animal smell.
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was a Muslim school trip out.
I was stunned how calm and relaxed my parents were when I came out as gay to them.
Because the wife was fucking livid.
As Osbourne talks more and more of 'fiscal rectitude' the more I think he needs rectal fistitude.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has hit back after a photo was published showing her in a toilet close to a 'mysterious white powder'.
Her spokesperson said, "Cheryl would like to make it clear that she only went into the toilet to racially abuse the attendant."
I went to see my doctor about getting help on quitting smoking.
"Go and see a hypnotist and then come back and see me in a week," he said.
A week passed and he said, "So, Mr Smith, are you still smoking?"
"Yes," I replied. "And I needed one after watching a man fuck a pineapple on stage." 6