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A halal only branch of KFC in Birmingham has refused to supply wet wipes. The Daily Mail report this to be due to the alcohol content but a restaurant spokesman refuted this. "Wet wipes constitute a wash and that is banned by Islam" he said.
I tried to fit 100 police officers into a Mini Cooper.

It was a struggle at first but then I made one a sergeant and the rest crawled up his arse.
My next door neighbour came round to show me her new baby son.

"You're not comfortable with babies, are you?" she said to me.

"What makes you say that?" I replied, after shaking his hand.
As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.

"What's wrong with Toby daddy?" My daughter asked.

"It's an animal sixth sense," I explained. "They can detect the presence of evil."

"Is the house haunted?" She shivered.

"No," I replied, before turning to my wife. "Love! I think your mother's here already."