Hottest Today

As a tribute to Peaches Geldof, there is to be a special edition of her favourite daytime show.

'Stash in the attic' will be screened next Monday.
A man walks into a library and says, "Alright you fat cunt, I'm looking for a book about Muslims."

"I've never been so offended in my life," says the librarian.

"That's the one," he replies.
I let my six year old daughter watch me have a shave this morning..

"Why do you shave daddy?" She asked.

"Because mummy likes me to." I replied.

"Does it hurt?" She enquired, fascinated.

"No, not really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself."

"Oww." She said, giggling. "And then do you get to put a plaster on?"

"No, sweetheart, no need." I said. "I just put a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts."

"Don't they fall off?" She asked.

"No, pudding." I told her. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
My wife said, "How come you can remember who scored the winning goal in a cup final from twenty years ago, but you can't remember our wedding anniversary?"

I replied, "Because that goal was a happy moment."
When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.