Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway
Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...
I let my six year old daughter watch me have a shave this morning..
"Why do you shave daddy?" She asked.
"Because mummy likes me to." I replied.
"Does it hurt?" She enquired, fascinated.
"No, not really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself."
"Oww." She said, giggling. "And then do you get to put a plaster on?"
"No, sweetheart, no need." I said. "I just put a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts."
"Don't they fall off?" She asked.
"No, pudding." I told her. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
It's a cruel irony that flat-chested women find it easier to run.
No fucker's chasing them.
When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.
You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
Today Iran's population stands at around 80 million.
Ali Khamenei, their Supreme Leader, has just said he wants to get it up to 150 million.
Well, Ali, if you want more pregnancies then my advice is to legalise alcohol.
After taking a beating in the World Cup Final ratings, ITV Sport bounces back in spectacular fashion by not covering the Commonwealth Games
It's our wedding anniversary today so I've bought my wife a litre of engine oil and a token for a premium car wash.
She hated the flowers I got from the petrol station last year so this year I decided to get her something useful.
You know your wife is mad when she starts off her sentence saying "I just find it funny how......"
Because there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny
Being a huge Star Trek fan, I'm obviously very popular with the ladies.
Sometimes I have as many as 3 or 4 of them at a time laughing at me.
As I was walking through town a tramp asked me if I had any spare change.
"Sorry mate, " I replied, "I wish I had, but alas I'm not on benefits."