The EU has said more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.
Swimming lessons might be a start.
I phoned my boss this morning and told him I've been having violent bowel movements.
It's my day off, but I still like to keep him informed.
Sunbathing just gets harder and harder on holiday.
If it's not Germans putting towels on the sun beds round the pool, it's Syrian kids taking the best spots on the beach.
Me and my son were arguing for a good hour whether the light stays on in the fridge when you close the door... My son said it doesn't, I said it does...
In the end I took his word for it and let him out.
A sheep in Australia has broken the world record with 40kg's of wool being shorn off in one go.
It's the biggest fleece since banks introduced the $2 ATM withdrawal fee.
My neighbours' little girl came up to me yesterday and announced she was getting some puppies for her birthday.
She'll only be nine though, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
Sat on the settee with my fat wife earlier, watching footage of the Syrian dinghies coming over and really sympathised with those poor souls.
I didn't have much fucking room, either.
'Celebrity Big Brother'
For when your career is more washed up than a Syrian refugee.
The Wife has been moaning at me a lot recently, saying that we have nothing in common.
Well I beg to differ, we've both been inside her mother's vagina.
My mate was telling me he had found his 'Forever woman'.
"I found mine years ago, " I said, "forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging......."