'Celebrity Big Brother'
For when your career is more washed up than a Syrian refugee.
Sat on the settee with my fat wife earlier, watching footage of the Syrian dinghies coming over and really sympathised with those poor souls.
I didn't have much fucking room, either.
The Syrian refugees are in for one hell of a shock when they realise there are more Pakis in Britain than there are in Syria.
The wife has been moaning at me a lot recently, saying that we have nothing in common.
Well I beg to differ, we've both been inside her mother's vagina.
My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'.
"I found mine years ago, " I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..."
At a gig last night Harry Styles had a Coke can hit him in the face. Still, it must make a nice change from Simon Cowell's balls
Got my gloves, surgical mask and black bag.
I'm beach body ready...
My wife has become a mother for the first time.
So from now on, her and her opinions are the most important thing on Facebook and Twitter.
Does anyone else not see the irony of Germans setting up camps for these refugees?
Haven't we been here before?
They should be safe though, the Muslims won't be using the showers
My wife wants outdoor sex but I don't.
But marriage is all about compromise so I'm going to fuck her through the letterbox.