'Celebrity Big Brother'
For when your career is more washed up than a Syrian refugee.
Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...
With his parenting record, I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others.
My mate was telling me he had found his 'forever woman'.
"I found mine years ago, " I said. "Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging..."
"Whatever you do," I advised my mate, "do NOT ask your wife for anal sex."
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because she slapped my face when I did."
Got my gloves, surgical mask and black bag.
I'm beach body ready...
My wife wants outdoor sex but I don't.
But marriage is all about compromise so I'm going to fuck her through the letterbox.
My wife has become a mother for the first time.
So from now on, her and her opinions are the most important thing on Facebook and Twitter.
Syrian meal times:
The men provide for the table and the women do the cooking.
Leaving the kids to wash up.
"Germany to set up special trains and camps for Syrian refugees."
So the price of second hand shoes and hair stuffed pillows about to come down again, is it?
Some fucking do-gooder knocked on our door last evening, right on tea-time and said, "I'm sure you've seen the pictures of the little boy who sadly passed away on the beach during the migrant struggles. We're collecting for his parents, could you help us?"
"Not really", I replied, "But try the paki family two doors down, they've got dozens of kids, you'll probably find an exact match" 7