I call my penis Oscar Pistorius.
It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.
So far, more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.
And the Ebola victims suffered less.
Child poverty is going up in the UK.
The leading cause?
Single mothers paying for fucking tattoos of their kid's names.
I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.
"This wasn't quite what I had in mind," I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.
Reading Janet Street-Porter's tribute to Linda Bellingham only reinforces my belief that there is no God.
If there was, I'd be reading Linda Bellingham's tribute to Janet Street-Porter.
Women always complain that men are only ever after one thing.
Better than being after fucking everything.
What has four arms, two legs, and howls in the night?
Oscar Pistorius being raped by his cellmate.
Dentists have finally identified the biggest problem in women's dental health.
Look on the bright side Oscar Pistorius.
If you lived in a council house, you would be released before they get round to fixing your door.
I was discussing the Oscar Pistorius case with my mate and he said, "I don't buy it. If you woke up in the middle of the night and heard someone moving around in the toilet, what's the first thing you'd do before you started pumping bullets through the door?"
I replied, "Well, first of all I'd make damn sure it was the wife in there." 9