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Although widely believed to be thick as pigshit, Wayne Rooney actually managed to achieve straight As at school. Problem was the Bs were crooked and the Cs were illegible.
I said to my doctor, "I found a lump downstairs this morning."

"Ok, well take off your pants." he replied.

After feeling my bollocks for a few minutes he said, "Where's the lump then?"

"Under my armpit." I replied, "I was in my living room at the time."
I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music VHS tapes & Mr Kipling cakes.

I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.