"I'm sorry," said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies."
"Is there anything we can do?" we both asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "Move away from Liverpool."
You can tell it's half-term this week. My drive to work took me 15 minutes instead of the 45 it takes during term-time.
I didn't have to keep slowing down to get an eyeful of the schoolgirls' legs.
According to scientists there's a link between noise and obesity.
Probably the dinner bell.
Well, always remember pen lids choke kids.
Another good one is marbles.
An Indian government minister has criticised the media for portraying the country as a capital for rape, pointing out that, per head of population, more rapes take place in Sweden.
Yeah, but only because fucking Indians keep moving there.
How to make a feminist dislike you;
Have a penis.
My girlfriend slags me off for being English but she's Welsh so she can't really talk.
What's another word for an angry feminist?
My girlfriend told me that my Tom Petty obsession is getting out of hand, but I won't back down on this one.
No I won't
FBI agents arrest 6 FIFA officials on allegations of bribery and corruption.
Later in the day the lead FBI agent informs reporters that it has all been a misunderstanding and all charges are to be dropped, as he drove away in his brand new Bugatti Veyron.