"What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?" I was asked on an internet forum.
"Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
I saw a spastic down the arcade today,
Of course, that's not what we call them nowadays.
I should have said "shopping mall."
Yesterday was National Dog Day, today is National Burger Day.
Except in Korea, where they cut through the bullshit and combine the two.
Under new "honesty" guidelines, Channel 5's "Celebrity Big Brother" has now been renamed "Big Brother".
As I staggered in from the pub last night, I was faced with the usual "you're drunk again, have you no shame?"
'Fuck you' I thought, 'I don't have to take this shit from a table lamp'.
What's black and doesn't work?
Bryce Williams' sense of perspective.
One day, a farmer was out mending fences and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.
A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him clutching the Bible between its teeth.
"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"
"Not really," says the sheep, "Your name's inside the cover, you daft twat."
On Celebrity Big Brother's launch Jenna Jameson made a huge entrance.
After spending the last twenty years making her entrance huge.
I don't have a problem with black people, as long as they do it in the privacy of their own home.
The Champions League draw has caused a lot of interesting matches.
Mourinho is going back to Porto.
Di Maria is going back to Real Madrid.
Memphis Depay is going back to PSV.
Liverpool are going back to watching Emmerdale.