"Mammy," I heard my daughter shout. "Can I watch Santa Clause The Movie?"
"You know who to ask dear," replied my wife.
"Daddy," asked my daughter.
"Yes dear, what do you want?" I laughed.
"Have you got the phone number for Kim Jong-Un?"
I got my wife some Bristol Cream for Christmas.
But she won't let me rub it on them.
As a postman, I read the most heart-wrenching letter from a little girl to Santa. How her mummy and daddy had no money and how she only wanted a chocolate bar for Christmas.
Anyway. There was no money in that one so I sealed it and re-posted it.
Apparently obesity is now classed as a disability,if that's the case i am tipping Phil Taylor for a darts gold in the Paralympics
So Mandy Rice-Davies has died.
She would, wouldn't she.
"If you were David Cameron, what's the first thing you would do?" asked my Politics teacher.
"His wife," I said.
Not long after they moved in, my neighbour asked me to keep my eye on her kids.
Well she didn't ask, but with them being black, I thought I'd better.
I bought the wife 'What Women Want' on DVD for Christmas.
Unfortunately when I got home and opened it, it was just filled with cash and my eternal dying sadness.
What's the difference between Jesus and Russell Brand?
2000 years ago they'd listen to a socialist with a silly hairstyle.
Charlie Chaplin's "The Great Dictator" has been banned worldwide following fears it may piss Adolf Hitler off.