My wife is like my broadband service - cheap, unreliable and insecure.. but doesn't go down as often.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
I was watching TV last night when the wife came in, wearing nothing but red pants, and stood in front of me.
I sighed, "Can I just finish this movie, babe?"
She took the panties off. "Why? When you can watch something better?" she said, bending over.
"Great idea," I said, picking up the remote. "Match of the Day is on."
Sex with me is like a game of chess.
It usually involves two old men in a park.
I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people. Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect.
I've overcome dyslexia and qualified as a Funeral Director.
I'll give my competitors an urn for their money.
After my son was suspected of being abused sexually and went missing I felt I had no other option than to turn to Catholicism... They're usually the ones responsible for this shit.
Some call it "alcoholism".
I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated".
Romance is overrated in relationships.
By the time I've lit the candles, sprinkled rose petals on the bed, composed a love poem, dimmed the lights and put on a Barry White album, she's normally managed to escape out the window.
NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.
Maybe it got married.