Oscar Pistorius is so depressed in the prison hospital wing, he's been put on suicide watch.
Whenever he goes to the bathroom, a nurse knocks on the door to check he's okay.
Talk about rubbing it in.
Miranda Hart has announced there will be no more episodes of her BBC sitcom after this Christmas.
She must have run out of joke.
Oscar Pistorius's sentence was so lenient, I had to look up Reeva Steenkamp's picture on the Internet to reassure myself she was white.
So there I was, sat in my pants with a can of lager in front of the telly when my wife walks in.
"What the hell are you doing?" she huffed.
"Waiting for X Factor to start" I slurred.
"You're pathetic" she said, before storming out.
God, she really knows how to ruin a Tuesday morning.
"Are you ok granddad? You look terrified every time I knock on your door. "
"Oh Jack, you'll never know what it's like living in fear of your past, just waiting for the knock on the door, and then you're finished. "
"Gosh granddad, I never knew, were you a spy or a hit man or something? "
"No Jack, much worse than that, I was a pop star in the 1970s. "
I don't get all the fuss about Mike Reid's UKIP song being "Racist"
Technically, it could qualify for a MOBO award.
I was on a packed train today and I was dying to fart but I daren't because of the smell.
But then I got lucky. A Paki entered the carriage.
McDonalds have a new Brazil burger, does that mean their meat is finally pube free?
'There's been a sharp rise in sudden Dementia cases in men the last couple of years.'
Sounds about right.Thats's around the same time Operation Yewtree was launched.
BBC NEWS: "TV star Miranda Hart has announced there will be no more episodes of her hit BBC sitcom after this Christmas."
Now that is a Christmas miracle.