I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.
"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.
"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.
"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
I thought I saw a load of Ewoks being chased by Darth Vader earlier, they looked so realistic with the incoherent jabbering, hairy little faces poking out from hoods and the characteristic wet animal smell.
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was a Muslim school trip out.
I was stunned how calm and relaxed my parents were when I came out as gay to them.
Because the wife was fucking livid.
As Osbourne talks more and more of 'fiscal rectitude' the more I think he needs rectal fistitude.
Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.
How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has hit back after a photo was published showing her in a toilet close to a 'mysterious white powder'.
Her spokesperson said, "Cheryl would like to make it clear that she only went into the toilet to racially abuse the attendant."
What do you call a Muslim at a peace rally?
I went to see my doctor about getting help on quitting smoking.
"Go and see a hypnotist and then come back and see me in a week," he said.
A week passed and he said, "So, Mr Smith, are you still smoking?"
"Yes," I replied. "And I needed one after watching a man fuck a pineapple on stage."
Bloody cold weather.
Shaking so much because of the cold, went for a piss and ended up having a wank!
I was talking to my old teacher today about my rape conviction and he was quite understanding about it.
Funny, after all these years, who'd have thought we would end up in the same cell together. 5