Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's arrived?
What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?
They both got buried in Leicester.
President Obama has promised not to put American boots on Iraqi soil.
I bet the crafty cunt knows they are all made in China.
My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.
"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.
"Swap seats with your husband." He said.
My mate got married yesterday. I asked him what he wanted as a present and he said 'any Apple product would be great'. So I bought him a couple of tins of cider
My wife is like my broadband service - cheap, unreliable and insecure.. but doesn't go down as often.
I was drunk, staggering back to this ugly birds house last night, when I said:
"Have you got a light?"
"Yes" she replied.
"Well make sure you leave it off love" I said, "I don't want to see your face."
I was watching TV last night when the wife came in, wearing nothing but red pants, and stood in front of me.
I sighed, "Can I just finish this movie, babe?"
She took the panties off. "Why? When you can watch something better?" she said, bending over.
"Great idea," I said, picking up the remote. "Match of the Day is on."
After my son was suspected of being abused sexually and went missing I felt I had no other option than to turn to Catholicism... They're usually the ones responsible for this shit.
I've overcome dyslexia and qualified as a Funeral Director.
I'll give my competitors an urn for their money.