I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.
Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.
Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'
And Justin Bieber is a cunt
I got pretty nervous in the bank today when I found myself standing next to one of those sinister looking Muslim women in a niqab.
In the end it turned out to be a pretty harmless bank robber.
A Muslim wife is complaining to her husband.
"The romance has completely gone from our relationship" she moaned. "Once upon a time you were all over me and couldn't wait to carry me up stairs. What's happened?"
"Simple" the husband replied. "You're not 11 anymore."
My daughter's pet goldfish died today, so to cheer her up I replaced it with a hamster.
What a waste of money that was.
The little fucker drowned after about 5 minutes.
A dreadlocked Rastafarian came into my butchers today.
"Let me guess," I said, "Buffalo shoulder?"
My wife said she wanted a Brazilian wax, I said she'd be better off with a gaza strip after the pounding it's taken over the years.
Britain's Got Talent runner ups, Bars and Melody, have claimed they have a future in the entertainment industry.
I agree. In about 5 years time we'll be trying to pick you out from a line up on Nevermind The Buzzcocks.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised people just don't like spending time with me.