At the school where I work, the parents of a 7 year old Muslim girl refused to give consent for her to go on a school trip to St Paul's Cathedral.
Thankfully her husband overruled them.
I heard on the news that they are getting rid of the last ever Red phone box in Bradford,
Just as soon as they've evicted the 22 residents.
My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said, "Any chance of buying me one?"
"Fuck off," I said. "You can't even drive."
The last time Liverpool won the league, Jon Flanagan's mum & dad were still just brother and sister.
My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.
She ripped the poor things head off.
The ice cream van that drives down my street always seems to be sold out.
Which is weird considering all the children in my area are missing.
Saw this on Groupon earlier: "IPL Hair Removal, up to 77% Off!"
I'm not too sure though; if I was paying for hair removal I think I'd expect it all to come off.
I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.
"Why do you want to do that?" I said.
"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.
If you can hear the hearing aid adverts on TV, then I'd suggest you don't fucking need one.
Invited to a fancy dress party, I told the wife "I'm just going to drag-up in a skirt and go as you."
"Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat cunt."