Just when Oscar Pistotius thought it couldn't get any worse.
He gets allocated the top bunk.
If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it's that everyone speaks English after they die.
My mate said, "Congratulations on your new job, how did you get it?"
I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."
He said, "A miracle?"
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.
After being told to 'fuck off and die', it made me wonder... Maybe I am an irritating cunt?
The Samaritans are normally nice.
Convicted rapist, Ched Evans, has said that he's a changed man and asked if he can play for Sheffield United again. They said 'no'.
He's putting his boots on.
Doctors are to be paid £55 if they diagnose a patient with dementia.
I was at the surgery this morning and was diagnosed with Dementia.
I only went to clean the windows!
I remember when you could say 'wog', 'sambo', 'darky', 'coon' and 'nigger' and it just seemed normal.
It was at the UKIP party conference in September to be precise.
I was trying to work out why none of the Liverpool fans were leaving at 3-0 down.
Then I realised none of them have work to go to tomorrow.
What's the difference between cocaine and ecstasy?
Fingering my anus doesn't bring me cocaine.