Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.
Convicted rapist, Ched Evans, has said that he's a changed man and asked if he can play for Sheffield United again. They said 'no'.
He's putting his boots on.
A teacher asks the class to form a sentence with the word Celebrities,so little Timmy says,
"Celebrities get treated better."
"That sentence is way too short,Timmy." says the teacher.
"I know," says Timmy, "Judge Masipa is useless."
I was trying to work out why none of the Liverpool fans were leaving at 3-0 down.
Then I realised none of them have work to go to tomorrow.
What's the difference between cocaine and ecstasy?
Fingering my anus doesn't bring me cocaine.
I remember when you could say 'wog', 'sambo', 'darky', 'coon' and 'nigger' and it just seemed normal.
It was at the UKIP party conference in September to be precise.
Libyan intelligence are currently investigating reports that Muammar Gaddafi has in fact faked his death and has assumed the identity of Renee Zellweger.
During the shootings in Ottawa yesterday, hundreds of people could be seen running away from the scene.
Typical French Canadians.
Women's Logic: My girlfriend will give me a blow job and swallow because she thinks it's "sexy and kinky," but when I use her tooth brush or towel I'm a "disgusting, unhygienic bastard."
Oscar Pistorious was asked what the most difficult time of his trial was..He replied "Right at the start. when the judge said "all rise".