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To put Britains immigration crisis into perspective in order for Cameron to keep his promise to cut net migration to the tens of thousands he is going to need 3,240 refrigerated lorries.
I was in the bar when I started chatting to a midget.

"You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked.

"Looking a good time, are you?" she said, smiling.

"No," I replied. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that can fit through my cat flap."
HSBC says it is now processing payments affected by an IT glitch

Not a problem, just donate 25 quid to my account every day it's late and we'll say no more about it?