Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize.
I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.
"Please, help me!" he pleaded.
So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.
We were sat watching tv earlier, when my girlfriend said:
"I'm as horny as fuck, I'm going upstairs. I'll be back down when I've cum."
'What an idiot' I thought, 'we live in a flat'.
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:
"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."
"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."
Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit comfortably.
Now it's a phone.
What's Tim Cook's favourite variety of apple?
Staffordshire police say that one person is still unaccounted for as fire crews tackle a fireworks factory fire.
Factory management say the person may have gone off early.
"I'm sick to death of these nuisance phone calls every night," I said. "Is there any way to stop them?"
"Well, you could try drinking in a pub that your missus hasn't got the phone number for."
In Rotherham the kids don't dress up as zombies, skeletons, or ghosts for Halloween, they dress up as something that will really scare the locals...Asian Men.