Hottest Today

My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.

"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.

"Swap seats with your husband." He said.
My mate got married yesterday. I asked him what he wanted as a present and he said 'any Apple product would be great'. So I bought him a couple of tins of cider
I was drunk, staggering back to this ugly birds house last night, when I said:

"Have you got a light?"

"Yes" she replied.

"Well make sure you leave it off love" I said, "I don't want to see your face."
I was watching TV last night when the wife came in, wearing nothing but red pants, and stood in front of me.

I sighed, "Can I just finish this movie, babe?"

She took the panties off. "Why? When you can watch something better?" she said, bending over.

"Great idea," I said, picking up the remote. "Match of the Day is on."