My new neighbour Abdul invited me round today.
"Yeah, sure." I said. "But I can only stop a minute."
"Oh, are you busy" he asked.
"No, I just can't hold my breath much longer."
On a scale of Chris Brown to Oscar Pistorius, how dangerous is your boyfriend?
Bono has announced a charity single in aid of the families involved in missing Malaysia flight MH370.
He is going to re-release U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".
I caught my mate's fiancee shagging another man.
I would tell him but his wedding is to have an open bar.
My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.
"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."
"How's that gonna help?" she asked.
"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
I asked my neighbour Mohammed what his thoughts were on the 12-year-old girl and 13-year-old boy who became parents recently.
He said, "I don't know why they waited so long."
I hate violence against women.
I prefer to call it violence for men.
"Where the fuck have you been all night?" I demanded to know, as the wife walked in this morning.
"Well me and a few girls from work went out for a couple of drinks when we finished. One drink led to another, then we went clubbing." She explained. "By the end of the night it was just me and Julie left. I was absolutely hammered and I crashed at hers."
"Oh, that's ok then. I said, relieved.
"Not really." She replied. "The car's fucked and I owe her a fence."
Just been banned from my church's Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
My neighbour Leroy was released from prison yesterday and he was so excited he didn't know what to do first.
A mugging or a rape. 7