Hottest Today

My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.

"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."

"How's that gonna help?" she asked.

"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
"Where the fuck have you been all night?" I demanded to know, as the wife walked in this morning.

"Well me and a few girls from work went out for a couple of drinks when we finished. One drink led to another, then we went clubbing." She explained. "By the end of the night it was just me and Julie left. I was absolutely hammered and I crashed at hers."

"Oh, that's ok then. I said, relieved.

"Not really." She replied. "The car's fucked and I owe her a fence."
Just been banned from my church's Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"
My neighbour Leroy was released from prison yesterday and he was so excited he didn't know what to do first.

A mugging or a rape.