My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."
"Do know why you've been arrested?" asked the cop.
"Because my girlfriend is a bitch," I replied.
"Yes," he said, as he patted her and called the RSPCA.
Worst competition website in the world - I get shitloads of e-mails telling me I've won stuff, and then the cheeky fuckers send me a bill!
I fucking hate eBay.
I was in a pub quiz last night and one of the questions was: What have Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue and Julia Roberts got in common?
Apparently, women who I've masturbated to was not the answer.
I just heard on Rebecca Brook's voicemail that she's got a job back at News Corp.
I used to feel really empty before I bought a thesaurus.
Now I'm troglodytic and disconsolate.
I saw a woman going to a masked ball today.
I became excited, so I asked her if I could join in, but she told me to fuck off.
Turns out she was going to a mosque.
Those abs on Jessica Ennis-Hill are incredible.
I bet the baby shot out of her like a particle from the Large Hadron Collider.
My large disabled wife has just qualified for a motability car and has been told she can have it modified to suit her needs.
"It will be a challenge, " said the rep, "but if it's a fridge you want........"
My wife being so fat that she had to buy two seats wasn't even the most embarrassing thing about our flight.
She didn't even notice the armrest in the middle.