My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.
I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.
Somewhere there is a parallel universe where Oscar Shootorius is in trouble for pissing on his girlfriend.
Why do Muslims cut off girls clits? They don't want them to have bigger cocks than them
Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Christian calendar.
The day God created the chocolate egg.
"My dad had a fight with your dad, and owned him!" A black kid shouted to me in school.
"No, your dad beat my dad in a fight." I replied. "However, my great Grandad owned your great Grandad."
"How do you know that?" He laughed.
"Because I found the receipt from the auction."
Just bought one of those Chelsea Easter eggs, but it crumbled at home.
When my new bride got home from work I ran her a bubble bath with scented candles and rose petals sprinkled on the water.
"Ooh," she exclaimed. "What's all this for?"
"Washing," I said. "Now you've moved here from Pakistan you're going to have to get used to it."
I heard on the news that they are getting rid of the last ever Red phone box in Bradford,
Just as soon as they've evicted the 22 residents.
At the school where I work, the parents of a 7 year old Muslim girl refused to give consent for her to go on a school trip to St Paul's Cathedral.
Thankfully her husband overruled them.
My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said "Any chance of buying me one?"
"Fuck off." I said. "You can't even drive."