What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
They say that every group of friends has one guy who's an absolute twat.
Not true: none of my friends are twats. In fact, they're all really nice - every time we go clubbing, they always give me compliments about my blazer.
There's been outrage amongst feminist groups upon hearing that in some Muslim countries women can't drive.
Whilst completely overlooking the fact that the same is also true in all Western countries.
I was asked by a priest, "Do you think you're going to heaven or hell?"
I said, "No."
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Boris Nemtsov "will be ruthlessly hunted down."
He added, "It's cheaper than paying them."
"Is this dress blue and black or white and gold?"
"It's black," said Stevie Wonder.
A man has been shot in Liverpool, in what police are describing as a 'targeted attack'.
Well if it hadn't been, they would have missed him.
A dodgy uncle of mine has been arrested and jailed because of what the police found on a hard drive in his bedroom.
A 'Property of Burnley Borough Council' sticker.
The most frequent sexual position I have with the wife is the number 10.
I just lie there next to the round bitch. 7