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Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
The word "mood swing" is misleading. It sounds like it's swinging and we don't know what mood it's gonna hit.

If your wife calls you and says she's having mood swings, don't expect to walk through the door to find her naked cooking brownies.
I went to visit my 102 year old great grandma in her nursing home this morning.
I walked into her room to find her reading the latest Catherine Cookson novel on her chair, with one of her tits hanging out of her blouse. I immediately left her room to find her carer.

"Excuse me, but why's she in that state?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that." I was told. "That's down to her Alzheimer's."

"Oh my god!" I gasped. "Has she lost her mind?

"No, her bookmark."
I'm really looking forward to the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Not because of the singing, I just want to find out whereabouts in fucking Europe Australia is.