The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.
"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.
"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
Study: Exercise may help treat Alzheimer's.
It's true. No one forgets to tell you they just exercised.
My wife said she was going to chase her dream of becoming slim.
So far the dream has lapped the fat bitch three times.
A lost boy wandered up to me in the park.
"I can't find my mummy." he panicked, "Can you help me?"
"Depends," I replied.
"On what?" he frowned.
I said, "How sexy your mum is."
It's all just sex and drugs on television these days.
Mind you, I only watch the Parliamentary channel.
Justin Beiber is feeling exhausted by working far too hard recently.
Might I suggest a few lines of coke followed by a nice hot bath.
"I studied at the sorebum," I told the lady interviewing me.
"Surely you mean the Sorbonne," she replied.
"No, the university of Brighton. My arse is still killing me!"
My grandad saw me texting on my phone.
"Young people these days!" he moaned. "Nobody talks face to face any more."
I said, "It's called 'Technology' grandad. It evolves, times change."
"It's just an excuse to be lazy," he added.
"It sure is," I replied, staring at his mobility scooter.
They've upgraded our office for wheelchair access.
Which means I now go everywhere on my swivel chair.
I told my wife how I made the schoolboy error of asking a lady at work how many weeks it was until her due date.
"Oh God!" she said. "She wasn't pregnant?"
"Yeah, she was. And she went on for fucking ages."