Hottest Today

"Right, I've been thinking," I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage, I think it would best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears. "We should have discussed this together."

"My mind's made up," I insisted.

"I think your wife's right," the consultant said. "After all, she's the one with cancer."
My wife asked, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?"

I said, "10 years."

"Aww really, why?" she smiled.

I said, "They'd probably let me out on parole by then."
A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."
"Fuck Islam," said my mate Abdul as he ate his bacon butty. "If you get seventy two virgins in Heaven, just think of all the sluts that must be in hell!"
"Police in London have tested software designed to identify which gang members are most likely to commit violent crimes."

Meanwhile police in America have suggested a more sure fire way;

"Just shoot the black ones"