All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves.
This morning in the supermarket they had "Frozen" peas...
I asked my wife, "What's your opinion on the state of English football?"
"Its shit," she replied. "Absolute crap."
"More than likely," I said, "but let's hear it anyway."
Why is it when I accept an invite to a Eid feast by my Paki neighbour and eat his halal sheeps head, I'm being multi-cultural...
...but when I invite him to our Boxing Day piss up with ham hock, I'm a racist bastard?
I'm sure good looking lesbians look at fat lesbians and give them no chance.
Until they see their fingers.
I love the fact my girlfriend is Jewish.
At first it was hard to get her to do anal, but then I showed her all the money we are saving on condoms.
I see Denmark has claimed the North Pole as their own.
Sorry Denmark, but you can't just take something just because you want it.
That's Russia's job.
Apparently tonight is the first night of the Jewish celebration of Hanukkah.
Hanukkah lasts for eight nights in a row.
Unlike Christmas, which lasts for three and a half fucking months.
Manchester United have bid £20m for Miranda.
There's no way she'll be funnier than their current defence.
The Queen is making a visit to Australia, Bruce is at the front of the welcoming party.
"G'day Madge," said Bruce, "Can I cop a feel a yer tits?"
"One does not like to be touched." replied the Queen,
"Yer fair game for an old Sheila," said Bruce, "which one can I touch?"
The EU high court has ruled that obesity is a disability...
Which explains why, when I ordered my usual three Big Macs, they asked, "Would you like an application form for a Blue Parking badge with that?"