I've only met my wife's twin sister once.
I caught her shagging some fella in my bed then I never saw her again.
The guy in Subway made my sandwich and then said, "Would you like any cookies? It's 50p for one or three for a pound."
I said, "I'll have two, please."
It took him a few seconds, but his head did eventually explode.
Today is international woman's day.
I'll bet about half the population doesn't give a fuck.
The woman at the job center said she had 3 openings for me.
"Well, that's 2 more than the missus...", I thought to myself as I started taking off my pants
Proudly watching the eight members of the GB Paralympics team parade at the opening ceremony in Russia, I said to my wife, "We don't have many."
She replied, "They're not all there."
I said, "That's a bit rude."