Hottest Today

Every weekend I drive to the coast to search for bottles washed up on the shore, which may contain a message from someone in a far off land, hopefully with a name and details so I can contact them about how far their bottle has travelled.

I was really surprised to open one yesterday which read "Get a life you total wanker".
I was arguing with my wife tonight because she reckons I pay her no attention.

"You spend all your time on Facebook chatting to other women" she complained "but you never like my statuses."

"That's not true," I replied, "what about when your mum died last year? "
A few weeks after having an operation, I saw my doctor about my convalescence.
"What have you been doing?" he asked.
"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, surfing the internet, texting my mates," I said.
He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council offices for at least two months."
My wife bought a tube of KY gel from the chemists and I thought after all these years she was finally going to let me do her up the arse.

I waited in bed in anticipation and all I can say is, it's a shit way of finding out your son is gay.
On the eve of the historic referendum vote in Scotland, I would like to wish every hope of success for the future to my friends North of the border. Now is the moment when you can take destiny into your hands, cradle it like the precious, delicate egg that it is and walk forwards with your head held high with patriotic pride. This isn't the first opportunity that you've had for independence but it will probably be the last we see in our lifetimes - don't squander it.

One final thought: It may not happen for you tomorrow. The campaign of fear, uncertainty and doubt peddled by the cronies of Westminster may sway a small minority of voters but chances are, should you fail to achieve the required majority, it will be down to the fact that less than 50% of you know how to spell 'X'.