Hottest Today

I let my six year old daughter watch me have a shave this morning..

"Why do you shave daddy?" She asked.

"Because mummy likes me to." I replied.

"Does it hurt?" She enquired, fascinated.

"No, not really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself."

"Oww." She said, giggling. "And then do you get to put a plaster on?"

"No, sweetheart, no need." I said. "I just put a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts."

"Don't they fall off?" She asked.

"No, pudding." I told her. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
After taking a beating in the World Cup Final ratings, ITV Sport bounces back in spectacular fashion by not covering the Commonwealth Games
TV > Sport
It's our wedding anniversary today so I've bought my wife a litre of engine oil and a token for a premium car wash.

She hated the flowers I got from the petrol station last year so this year I decided to get her something useful.
As I was walking through town a tramp asked me if I had any spare change.

"Sorry mate, " I replied, "I wish I had, but alas I'm not on benefits."