Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize.
I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.
"Please, help me!" he pleaded.
So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.
The Police have been asked for a comment following the explosion at the firework factory in Stafford.
Their chief said, "Ooooooohhhhh" and "Aaaaaaaaahhhh".
We were sat watching tv earlier, when my girlfriend said:
"I'm as horny as fuck, I'm going upstairs. I'll be back down when I've cum."
'What an idiot' I thought, 'we live in a flat'.
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:
"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."
"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."
Apple employees used to bend over backwards for their ex-CEO, Steve Jobs.
Wonder if they will do the same for their current CEO, Tim Cook.
I'm going to a Halloween party in Essex and needed a really scary costume..
I'm going as a book.
Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit comfortably.
Now it's a phone.
What's Tim Cook's favourite variety of apple?