I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.
"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.
"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."
If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
In order to disperse the crowd in Ferguson, police dropped job applications from the police helicopters.
A grand jury has decided not to indict Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson for killing 18-year-old Michael Brown.
Ferguson protesters have declared remembrance for their fallen brother will, as is usual in these cases, take the form of 48 hours violent looting.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I went to B&Q and said to a staff member, "I'm looking for a dildo rail."
He said, "I think you mean dado rail."
I said, "No, it's definitely dildo. I'm going to put it up myself."
I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters.
Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth.
So I gave him another blow job.
I've just won the bus driver of the year competition.
I was forty minutes late, drove like a cunt and told all the judges to fuck off.
Islam -- The religion of peace.
There's a piece of you here, another piece over there . . .
The niggers in Ferguson are rioting, looting and burning the town to protest against the way the police treat "law abiding citizens".
They don't help themselves do they?