Just when Oscar Pistotius thought it couldn't get any worse.
He gets allocated the top bunk.
Muslim bombers are now using more sophisticated technology, so they can't be detected by police sniffer dogs.
It's called soap.
If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it's that everyone speaks English after they die.
My mate said, "Congratulations on your new job, how did you get it?"
I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."
He said, "A miracle?"
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
After being told to 'fuck off and die', it made me wonder... Maybe I am an irritating cunt?
The Samaritans are normally nice.
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.
Oscar Pistorius found out last night just how uncomfortably narrow those prison beds are.
Although he can't complain about the legroom.
Convicted rapist, Ched Evans, has said that he's a changed man and asked if he can play for Sheffield United again. They said 'no'.
He's putting his boots on.
The wine waiter was ogling my girlfriend. "So, what do you recommend with the fish?" I asked impatiently.
"I've got a nice Semillon," he replied.
"Well, take your eyes off her fucking tits then," I snapped.
Doctors are to be paid £55 if they diagnose a patient with dementia.
I was at the surgery this morning and was diagnosed with Dementia.
I only went to clean the windows!