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The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.

"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.

"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
My grandad saw me texting on my phone.

"Young people these days!" he moaned. "Nobody talks face to face any more."

I said, "It's called 'Technology' grandad. It evolves, times change."

"It's just an excuse to be lazy," he added.

"It sure is," I replied, staring at his mobility scooter.
They've upgraded our office for wheelchair access.

Which means I now go everywhere on my swivel chair.
I told my wife how I made the schoolboy error of asking a lady at work how many weeks it was until her due date.

"Oh God!" she said. "She wasn't pregnant?"

"Yeah, she was. And she went on for fucking ages."