I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.
Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood.
I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."
"£500? Okay, what is her name?" he asked.
"It's Ivy", I replied. "Ivy Bowler".
Picked a spot all to myself after that.
HSBC closes bank accounts belonging to Muslim clients in the UK.
I don't think muslims should bank at HSBC - they should bank somewhere that reflects their own attitudes and culture better - May I suggest 900BC.
I love Summer. Two weeks of doing absolutely fuck all.
And, once my boss gets back, I get to go on holiday as well.
The United Nations has said that 729 people have died from Ebola in West Africa since February.
A spokesman added, "There is no need to panic at the moment, they were all black."
I got pretty nervous in the bank today when I found myself standing next to one of those sinister looking Muslim women in a niqab.
In the end it turned out to be a pretty harmless bank robber.
A Muslim wife is complaining to her husband.
"The romance has completely gone from our relationship" she moaned. "Once upon a time you were all over me and couldn't wait to carry me up stairs. What's happened?"
"Simple" the husband replied. "You're not 11 anymore."
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.
Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'
And Justin Bieber is a cunt
My daughter's pet goldfish died today, so to cheer her up I replaced it with a hamster.
What a waste of money that was.
The little fucker drowned after about 5 minutes.
A dreadlocked Rastafarian came into my butchers today.
"Let me guess," I said, "Buffalo shoulder?" 9