My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.
Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
I tried to get the autograph of that idiot masquerading as an expert at Nelson Mandela's memorial service.
"That was fucking brilliant," I laughed, handing him a pen. "How long have you been getting away with that?"
"Fuck off," replied David Cameron.
They say teenage girls are the worst for cruel insults.
After hearing "Let me out of this basement you fat ugly paedo" I wouldn't disagree.
I asked my R.E teacher why Muslims don't eat pork.
"Well, one reason is because they have certain genetic similarities to Humans." he replied.
"I know that," I said, "but what about the pigs?"