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I said to my doctor, "I found a lump downstairs this morning."

"Ok, well take off your pants." he replied.

After feeling my bollocks for a few minutes he said, "Where's the lump then?"

"Under my armpit." I replied, "I was in my living room at the time."
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.