Malaysia Airlines passengers have recently been asked about their flight experience;
5% said they were satisfied.
10% said they were extremely satisfied and 85% said they were blown away.
As a tribute to Peaches Geldof, there is to be a special edition of her favourite daytime show.
'Stash in the attic' will be screened next Monday.
A man walks into a library and says, "Alright you fat cunt, I'm looking for a book about Muslims."
"I've never been so offended in my life," says the librarian.
"That's the one," he replies.
Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway
Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...
I let my six year old daughter watch me have a shave this morning..
"Why do you shave daddy?" She asked.
"Because mummy likes me to." I replied.
"Does it hurt?" She enquired, fascinated.
"No, not really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself."
"Oww." She said, giggling. "And then do you get to put a plaster on?"
"No, sweetheart, no need." I said. "I just put a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts."
"Don't they fall off?" She asked.
"No, pudding." I told her. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
It's a cruel irony that flat-chested women find it easier to run.
No fucker's chasing them.
Pope Francis has come out and said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven.
To return the favour, atheists have turned round and said that Popes are still eligible to go into a miasma of nothingness.
My wife said, "How come you can remember who scored the winning goal in a cup final from twenty years ago, but you can't remember our wedding anniversary?"
I replied, "Because that goal was a happy moment."
When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.
You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
Today Iran's population stands at around 80 million.
Ali Khamenei, their Supreme Leader, has just said he wants to get it up to 150 million.
Well, Ali, if you want more pregnancies then my advice is to legalise alcohol.