A producer walked in on me fucking a child, so I punched him in the face.
The BBC can't decide whether they should fire me or make me Director-General.
Investigators say the Germanwings copilot suffered from manic depression.
One minute he was up, then he was down.
150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.
If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.
Statistically 1 out of 150 people enjoy suicide.
Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately?
Tastes a little plane.
Say what you want about that pilot ... but at least he died doing what Germans love.
Mass murdering innocent people.
The captain knocked on the door, but he was met with a stony silence.
"Can you open the door, please?" he asked, but there was no reply.
Realising something was wrong, the captain knocked harder and louder.
"Open this door, NOW!" he shouted.
He banged and screamed for another couple of minutes, until he finally got a response.
"Fuck off, Stevie. That red card cost us the match."
I bought a German mobile phone the other day and was advised to put it into airplane mode.
The thing locked me out.. Then it crashed.
After a spate of thefts at the bird sanctuary where I work, my boss said to me, "If you catch any of those robbing bastards, shoot them!"
So far I've managed to kill twelve of the little red-breasted fuckers.
Going to these new gastro pubs is a bit like visiting your nan thats got dementia. chips served in a flower pot and burger on a bathroom tile.