I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she's taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight.
I can't believe the bitch is cheating on me.
Armed robbery on a bank.
It can provide a life of luxury and relaxation, never having to worry about money, food, bills or amenities again.
And that's just if you get caught.
"Daddy, can we go to a haunted house this year?"
"What's wrong with the one we live in?"
I told my colleague that I'm taking this hot girl on a date tonight. He suggested that shaving my pubes would be a good idea, giving me a wink at the same time. So I took his advice.
In hindsight I should have probably taken her to a restaurant instead.
Finally, George Clooney got married this weekend in Venice ...
breaking the hearts of ugly, fat, delusional women all over the world.
I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.
"Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's, and even your food portions."
Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.
Forcing his way in to the number two spot it's Dr Fox
When you see an abled black man parking in a disabled space,don't be mad at him.
It's probably not his car.
My wife took the first spoonful of her soup, and winced.
"Oh fuck, my mouth!!" she groaned.
"Where was that comma?" I asked.
What did the pig say to the fox?
'Come with us please sir, you're under arrest'