A wise man once said ... absolutely nothing.
He let her scream and shout, and then they had 'make-up sex' afterwards.
I always order oysters on a first date.
It gives me a good idea on whether she spits or swallows.
In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.
Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.
HSBC have threatened to leave the UK if banking regulation isn't relaxed and they might not be the only ones.
Tricky. What will we do with our bailing out money if they all fuck off?.
I was chatting to my neighbour Abdul in the street yesterday, when a skinhead came up. He said to me, "What the fuck are you doing talking to this bastard? Muslims are taking over this country, and any white man who makes friends with them is a traitor!"
So I beat the shit out of him.
Because that skinhead's argument was really quite convincing.
My black co-worker Leroy was telling me that his identity recently got stolen.
"Are you going to report it to the police?"
"Not a chance, my credit rating is higher than ever before!"
Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence.
The Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President, you still have one more year."
I've finally come to the conclusion that life is like a wank: Short, Sad and at the end there's just a moment of satisfying relief before it's all fucking over.
My daughter just told me, "Daddy, I goed potty in the fish bowl."
Normally I'd laugh, but she's a fucking 27 year old investment banker.
Seeing the Captain of the capsized migrant boat on trial for homicide just shows how far standards have slipped.
If he was old school, he would have gone down with the shit. 7