Hottest Today

When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
"I'm so pissed off with my fucking idiot son!" I complained to my mate, down the pub, "He was pissed off because they got his order wrong at MacDonald's, so he slashed the seats with a pen knife, to teach them a lesson."

"Feel that strongly about vandalism?" My mate replied.

"No, the cunt had gone to the drive-thru in my fucking car!"
All my friends say that if they had access to a time machine they would go back to see historical moments or meet famous people.

If I had access to one the first thing I'd do is go back in time and bring back some white dog shit to prove it actually existed.
I was walking home from work today when a little Muslim girl across the road started tugging excitedly at her mum's burka and pointing in my direction, as though she recognised me.

I can only assume it was my rucksack.
Was in the library earlier, after a while I went up to the librarian and said, "I'm looking for a book on an Austrian composer of chamber music, but can't see one anywhere."

He said, "Is it Haydn?"

I nodded, "Fucking must be, because I can't find it."