Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
Everybody associates black people with rape, but they're also good at harvesting other types of grain, such as wheat, barley, oats and maize.
I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.
"Please, help me!" he pleaded.
So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.
We were sat watching tv earlier, when my girlfriend said:
"I'm as horny as fuck, I'm going upstairs. I'll be back down when I've cum."
'What an idiot' I thought, 'we live in a flat'.
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said:
"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."
"Just then" I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."
Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit comfortably.
Now it's a phone.
What's Tim Cook's favourite variety of apple?
"I'm sick to death of these nuisance phone calls every night," I said. "Is there any way to stop them?"
"Well, you could try drinking in a pub that your missus hasn't got the phone number for."
Coffee makes people really aggressive.Last night I had eleven pints at the pub and my wife two coffees at home.
You should've seen how pissed off she was.
I asked Peter Andre if he wanted to go to a party with me at the weekend.
"No thanks." He replied.
"At least think about it." I told him. "Wall-to-wall pussy should be there."
"That's why I don't want to go." He said. "I split up with that slag years ago."