When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.
You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
My neighbour Abdul has already started his Christmas countdown.
Only 1 shower to go.
Mo Farah regrets he has had to miss the Commonwealth Games to fulfil his Peparami filming commitments.
I stole some old lady's purse today and bought a joke book.
Had a few laughs at her expense.
"I'm so pissed off with my fucking idiot son!" I complained to my mate, down the pub, "He was pissed off because they got his order wrong at MacDonald's, so he slashed the seats with a pen knife, to teach them a lesson."
"Feel that strongly about vandalism?" My mate replied.
"No, the cunt had gone to the drive-thru in my fucking car!"
All my friends say that if they had access to a time machine they would go back to see historical moments or meet famous people.
If I had access to one the first thing I'd do is go back in time and bring back some white dog shit to prove it actually existed.
Scientists in Switzerland say they've isolated atoms of anti-matter.
Apparently it's going to help solve some of the biggest mysteries of the universe.
Like, for example, how the fuck Cliff Richard hasn't been arrested by Operation Yewtree yet ...
I was walking home from work today when a little Muslim girl across the road started tugging excitedly at her mum's burka and pointing in my direction, as though she recognised me.
I can only assume it was my rucksack.
Was in the library earlier, after a while I went up to the librarian and said, "I'm looking for a book on an Austrian composer of chamber music, but can't see one anywhere."
He said, "Is it Haydn?"
I nodded, "Fucking must be, because I can't find it."
I hosted a superhero themed orgy for midgets last night.
Still a little Thor downstairs. 5