I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.
He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.
After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner.
The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
Just given blood for first time in my life this morning and never felt so great in my life!
Turns out I'm not the dad!
I told my wife to make sure she gives 100% today...
She's on her way to donate blood.
Just gave 2 pints of blood at the hospital. You would think they'd appreciate it but they just started asking me questions like...
Who's blood is this, and how did you get it?
I asked for a glass of water at a restaurant last night and woke up with a bloody anus
I was starting to think I had been date raped but then I remembered I was on holiday in India.
I went into the Doctors and said : "Doctor I think my blood sugar levels are dangerously high"
"What makes you think that?" he asked.
"Well every time I fart I find candyfloss in my underpants" I replied
Apparently my biological son should not have been put in a washing machine.
B+ on blood tests.
Failure runs through my veins.
I phoned NHS Direct and said, "My wife was giving me oral sex and, while she was nibbling my balls, she bit too deep and now I can't stop the bleeding!"
"Sir, you need to get to A&E immediately!" the woman advised me. "Why did you waste time phoning us?"
"To ask if it's safe for her to finish me off before I call the ambulance."